Alert The Baby Turtles, Green Ooze's Leaking From The Earth
The 2010s will mostly be remembered for two things: starting an environmental wildfire of apocalyptic proportions and turning everything into superhero movies. So maybe, for 2020, we could combine the two and hope for some real-world savior action. Just in time then to announce that, over the holidays, a strange chemical sludge has started secreting out of Interstate 696 near Detroit. And you know what that means, dudes!
According to the Michigan Department of Environment, Great Lakes and Energy, the ooze's origin was traced to the dastardly criminal Gary Sayers -- hang on, that's not a proper villain name for a mutant origin story. Let's call him Gary Shredders. Shredders (much better) had been dumping hazardous chemicals called hexavalent chromium (great name) from the now-abandoned Electro-Plating Services Inc. factory (again, nailed it) straight into the ground. Combined with groundwater, this hexavalent chromium formed a bright green-yellow ooze (iconic) that imbues anyone who comes in contact with it with the mutant power (perfect) of ... cancer.
Clearly, this is just a set-up for a real-life TMNT scenario and another reason for kids to mistreat their pet turtles and dump them en masse into the sludge streams surrounding the abandoned plant. Before long, Detroit will have its own Teenage Motor City Turtles. Can you imagine it? The adventures of Berry, Smokey, Stevie and Diana Ross as they drive through the ruins of Livernois Avenue in their Turtle Chevy Express, eat square pizza, fight Juggalos and get taught the way of the closed fist by the rat reincarnation of Joe Jackson.
Which might be a good moment to remind everyone that Flint, Michigan is still struggling with the aftermath of its water pollution crisis, and that all the government officials who poisoned that town knew about it and are probably getting away with it. So why not take the money you'd spend buying a non-existent TMCT comic book and give places like ACLU Michigan and the NRDC a late Christmas present.
For more weird tangents and no understanding of how radioactivity works, do follow Cedric on Twitter.