JetBlue Now Has ASMR (Just In Time For The Holidays)
JetBlue is, among all the airlines (and especially the low-cost carriers), not the worst bunch to travel with. Patton Oswalt is in his own way a fan. At a time when most airlines are reducing the amount of flights they have with seat-back screens, JetBlue is going clear the opposite direction and adding them. Those in-flight screens have a sort of wellness app which now offers a nine-minute video they're calling "AirSMR," a video meant to de-stress you with, get this, the sounds of an airport. It's wonderful and misguided but super calming (provided you forget what an airport is actually like), and just what everyone needs prior to traveling this holiday season.
For those of you who don't have the time nor the patience to sit through a relaxation video a week before Christmas, we'll walk you through it. The narrator recommends listening through headphones, and while they don't say it out loud, we'll just remind you -- headphones are available for sale in that electronics vending machine over by gate B22 for about $100 more than you'd pay for them in a real store. We're advised to, quote, "put our feet up" as if that's something you could do at any airport in America without getting crucified by an angry mob, as we hear the sounds of a bunch of rolling suitcases go by. Suitcases which will inevitably be checked by a flight attendant who's going to smile her hardest as she tries to dissuade a frothing passenger from breaking the overhead bins.
The narrator tells us that JetBlue Flight 1051 is now arriving, and as of the time of this writing, that's a flight from JFK to Cancun, so someone's got themselves a nice little Christmas vacation planned. We're informed that boarding begins in 20 minutes, just enough time to "grab a snack [crinkles of a bag of Sun Chips] or finish that episode," and no, it is not enough time. Nobody has stood in line for fewer than 20 minutes for a snack at an airport, and certainly not at JFK Terminal 5.
But good news! If you're going to be on JetBlue Flight 557, there's a good weather update. It's clear and sunny, with a high of 76 degrees. As of this writing, JetBlue Flight 557 is going to Aruba, and boy does that sound nice (if not a little low for Aruba in December). Allow yourself to breathe and think aimless thoughts for a little bit. Finally the first real JetBlue plug comes in, as the narrator helpfully reminds you that not only can you charge your devices at the airport, but on the JetBlue flight itself. Crew members are happy to help you. Thanks?
JetBlue Flight 1202 into JFK (from Fort Lauderdale) has now arrived, and their baggage can be claimed at Carousel 3. What a relief for those people who probably need to put on a coat. The narrator asks if we ever feel strangely relaxed by the sounds and movements of the luggage carousel, and coyly notes that it's kind of hypnotizing. If there were a point to end an ASMR-esque video, this would be it, but they don't. They have us listen to a soda fountain and the sounds of planes actually landing in the distance, a sound which is the absolute bane of suburban Californians' existence.
And then just like that, it's over. If you're the type of person who can relax (or even sleep) on an airplane, thank your lucky stars. You are blessed with the greatest gift of all this holiday season.