The biggest stars of the day lined up on the seats of an old subway cart in the New York Transit Museum in Brooklyn to take in the artistry and beauty of Italian luxury fashion brand Moschino's 2020 line of fall outfits. The line took a bold stance as it proclaimed that streetwear is just as worthy of the runway as any elegant dress. And then, like ancient, elegant caryatids bedecked in the finery of yore, models appeared, wearing enormous snapback baseball caps and bookbags so large you can easily transport 5 to 7 midsized bodies all over the city with nary a suspicion raised.
Words used to like "the brand's design is intentionally-subway-stress inducing" act as a reminder that sometimes fashion is an art that doesn't always need a real-life practical application. It could be just as weird and silly on a runway as it wants to be, as any other art form can and should be allowed. That said, this shit looks like a shrink ray went haywire. Here's another image from the same line, this one depicting a woman whose fanny pack can comfortably carry up to four full babies; three if they're of the adorable little chubster variety.
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I could waste the rest of my word count mocking a fellow artist's vision, but I won't. I'm going to take the high road and try to find a way we can seamlessly work these monstrous caps into society. Clearly, the cap is being held aloft with some kind of construction yard hardhat-like inner fastener. Maybe in Moschino's quest to use fashion to say something about subway anxiety ("Boy, it would sure suck if hats and bags were big, huh?" is a very deep and important message) they accidentally stumbled upon a solution to a long-standing problem: they found a way to make hardhats fashionable.
For so long, the hardhat existed in a state of pure functionality. Its purpose was to soften the blow of a falling wrench or barrel thrown by a giant gorilla. With this new fashionable line of hats designed to fit Andre The Giant and only Andre The Giant, Moschino has dared to ask, "Yes, safety, but what if cool, too?"
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No longer would our eyes be pained by the sight of those drab plastic hardhats. Now, the men and women who are literally laying down the foundations of our society and building our future can wear a highly stylish yet safe helmet embroidered with the logo of their favorite sports team (or more likely the phrase "FBI: Federal Boob Inspector") while also bearing an easy receptacle for up to 18 gallons of chili, should the need arise (which it will, folks, because this is a construction site filled with hearty folks who need hearty meals).
Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. Check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's BunnyEars.com. Check out his "Meditation Minute" segments on the Bunny Ears podcast. And now you can listen to the first episode on Youtube!