5 Videos Of Celebrities Being The Biggest Weirdos Ever

For those of you whose knowledge of basketball is limited to the words "Space" and "Jam," Shaq and Kobe are famous for A) being teammates who won three consecutive championships together and B) having a feud worthy of a 6,700-word Wikipedia page, an entire book by their coach, and more diva confessionals than three Real Housewives seasons. These are two men who helped each other summit mountains while also repeatedly trying to kick each other to their demise.

So that's why we have a 2008 video where Shaq repeatedly freestyles "Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes," and "You can't do without me." Oh, there are other bars too, from the baffling "That's like a homeless cat having more figures than me" to the TMI-laden "I love 'em, I don't leave 'em, I got a vasectomy, now I can't breed them" contained within the part where Shaq rap-blames Kobe for his divorce. But the crux of the performance is Shaq cordially inviting Kobe to sample a tasting menu composed entirely of his ass.

Kobe, as far as we know, declined the invitation, but an older, wiser, and somehow even zanier Shaq has since figuratively become the bigger man that he literally was all along, apologizing for his role in the feud and all the calls for anilingus contained therein. In the modern world's ultimate expression of camaraderie, the pair buried the hatchet by having Kobe do an appearance on Shaq's podcast. Meaning all that's left now is for them to jointly rap a MeUndies ad.

That's Flay at a 2012 live show using his full pantry of dad moves, which are capable of inflicting dangerous levels of embarrassment on any witness under the age of menopause. So now you know how Flay bones: with the aid of techniques he's no doubt dubbed "The Turkey Baster" and "The Spice Grinder." We can't blame him for riling up his audience, because a fan will be more in the mood to buy a cookbook if they're fantasizing about the inclusion of a secret exclusive recipe for making Hot Eggplant with Cream. But Flay has also inflicted his swag upon far less willing bystanders.

We're now in 2015, and Flay is feeling his vibe at New York City's Puerto Rican Day Parade, at the expense of everyone who had to witness him feeling his vibe at New York City's Puerto Rican Day Parade. Good for him for having the confidence to do his thing while gossip rags were stalking him, but you'd pull out your camera too if you were witnessing that thirsty trainwreck. Those are the dance moves of a recently single man who just had tequila for breakfast and isn't afraid to let the world know that he's now calling himself a free spirit. Godspeed, you beautiful khakied catastrophe. But maybe ask Vin Diesel for some lessons.

"Jam incipiedo

Sedere facebo In dog-Latin he quoth

Euge! Sophos! (with snapping fingers and wildly misplaced enthusiasm) HURRAY!"

There is a merciful yet ominous pause, such as what soldiers faced before going over the top to face German machine guns.

"Well ... he ... bit all the he-dogs

And winked at all the she-dogs

The town never knew such a hullabaloo

As that little dog raised, till the end of that day."

At this point, Cattrall reverts to the human tongue to unfurl a blatant lie.

"We just have a good rhythm together. He sort of feels me out, I feel him out, and we go for it."

That was, as you no doubt recognized, a loose "interpretation" of Rupert Brooke's 1907 poem "The Little Dog's Day." Aside from supplanting Brooke's death at 27 by mosquito-bite-induced sepsis as the greatest indignity ever foisted upon him, why did Cattrall agree to record this? Why did she claim to have rhythm? Why choose that very un-jazzy poem?

Like with all the great questions in life, we must be satisfied with the asking, because we will never have the answers. What we do know is that the man who felt out for Cattrall and was reduced to borderline catatonia by what he found, Mark Levinson, is both a professional musician and her now very ex-husband. But at least they stayed together long enough to also give the world the book Satisfaction: The Art Of The Female Orgasm. Study hard, and you'll be rewarded with the telltale sound of sexual ecstasy: "Euge! Sophos! HURRAY!"

Jay-Z has long had an interest in art, and in 2013 he performed a six hour "docu-music video" called Picasso Baby, in reference to his track "Picasso Baby," in which he declares "I'm the modern-day Pablo Picasso, baby" -- Picasso having also famously cheated on his wife after she had his baby.

In an homage to The Artist Is Present, Picasso Baby involved Jay-Z rapping and dancing with visitors. One of those visitors was Abramovic, who'd given his performance her blessing, and their interaction was uncomfortably sensual.

Half apparent prelude to ritual sacrifice and half insight into an alternate universe where Becky with the good hair was a septuagenarian, this interaction wowed a select few people who fit into a very specific Venn diagram, angered critics who felt that this had ruined the otherwise-sterling reputation of performance art, gave performance art haters voluminous ammunition, and baffled everyone else.

Drama unfortunately followed, because of course it did. Abramovic later said that Jay-Z had "used" her in a "cruel" experience. But put those worries we're sure you have aside, because it was all a dumb misunderstanding. Jay-Z had promised a financial donation in exchange for permission to perform the piece, and the Marina Abramovic Institute had simply failed to inform the Marina Abramovic person that the money had arrived.

So every man can be an artist, if some men are willing to pay millions of dollars to copy a woman's art, and eventually we got the happy ending promised by this image.

Mark is on Twitter and wrote a book.

For more, check out 6 Shockingly Out-Of-Touch Celebrities - The Spit Take:

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