6 True Crime Stories That Are Too Stupid Even For Hollywood

St. Louis was then even more shocked by the revelation that the kidnapping was planned by prominent local socialite and part-time criminal mastermind, Nellie Muench. Despite being married to a respectable doctor and the sister of a Missouri Supreme Court judge, the well-known party girl had money problems, and ample evidence suggested she had orchestrated the abduction to keep her lifelong party going.

It seemed like an open-and-shut case, until the charismatic Muench appeared at her trial nursing her newborn baby, whom she tearfully called "a gift from God in my time of distress." If she'd then launched into a brassy jazz number, they could have made Chicago as a serious biopic. As it was, the jury duly acquitted her, but then she was immediately re-arrested ... for baby theft.

Yeah, it turns out that Muench had decided to buy a baby to make herself look sympathetic at trial. She paid $50 for the child of a 19-year-old maid, who eventually had second thoughts, demanded her baby back, and went to the courts when Muench refused. Muench was finally convicted of a list of crimes that presumably unrolled all the way down to the ground and out the courthouse door, while the baby was ... returned to its mother. You know, the one who sold it. Listen, it was a different time.

After confirming that the victim was not in fact house-sitting for Scrooge McDuck, the cops quickly determined that things weren't adding up. For one thing, Bill Sikkens turned out to be a harmless homebody who lived with his parents. Meanwhile, Baron von Bothmer (birth name George Davis) had a long history of schemes, and while his house was decorated in a style best described as "if Liberace directed Amadeus," his remaining "treasures" were worthless costume jewelry. He was also known to have money problems, since his recent lawsuit for slipping in a 24-Hour Fitness apparently hadn't worked out for him. So embarrassing for the self-declared godson of the Holy Roman Emperor.

Naturally, everyone assumed it was an inside job, part of the world's most overambitious insurance scam. But then they arrested an absolutely terrifying man named David Ray Taylor, Oregon's most wanted bank robber, aspiring cult leader, and serial murderer. Taylor confessed that he had robbed the Baron after hearing he was a con artist. He hated liars, he said. Further investigation confirmed von Bothmer had nothing to do with the crime, which was great news for everyone but von Bothmer, who apparently couldn't bear the thought of being a simple robbery victim. Instead he insisted he was the subject of an international conspiracy led by Sikkens and the Lake Oswego police department, which had pinned his crime on the innocent Taylor. The Coen Brothers couldn't have done the whole thing better. But ... maybe they should?

In reality, that whole story was almost certainly made up by Cobb, but that hasn't stopped the Pearl of Lao Tzu from being involved in a baffling string of crimes ever since. After Cobb died, management of the pearl went to jeweler Peter Hoffman, apparently because of a dream in which Buddha, Confucius, and Lao Tzu declared he was to be its next guardian. He in turn brokered the sale of a two-thirds stake in the pearl to Reverend Vic Barbish, who had made a fortune using religious exemptions to run illegal bingo games in San Bernardino. It seems like an odd plan that Lao Tzu had for his pearl, but who are we to question the sage?

Laura Lintner-Horn, via Post MagazineThough we can't help but feel he made his opinions on the subject pretty clear.

Barbish, who claimed to be Al Capone's son, established the "World's Largest Pearl Co.," which offered investments in the pearl. At various times, Barbish claimed to be on the verge of a multi-million-dollar sale to three of our era's greatest monsters: Ferdinand Marcos, Osama bin Laden, and Whoopi Goldberg. He later used it to establish the "Pearl for Peace Foundation," a fraudulent charity that took in $5.5 million in donations to "support law enforcement." Why that required a giant mystical pearl remains unclear, although perhaps the cops would need to call on its power if the Gambino Family somehow assembled the Infinity Stones.

Meanwhile, Barbish sold half his stake to bar owner Joseph Bonicelli, who was widely suspected to have hired a team of hitmen to kill his wife so he could avoid a divorce payout. Their children subsequently sued him and were awarded $32.4 million from his shares in the supposedly priceless pearl. It would be the largest wrongful death lawsuit in Colorado history ... if the pearl were worth anything. Experts have said the pearl is of poor quality, not the type used in jewelry, and worth maybe a few hundred grand as a curiosity. Barbish's heirs reject this, claiming that the gross lump of clam juices must be worth at least $52 million. But we keep making the same claims about our fleet of dirt bikes, and we still have no bites from Craigslist.

So far, he sounds like the coolest man never to have fought the Flash, but like every guy named Tony, things went downhill for him after the 1980s. In 2014, he was arrested for planting a device in a bank that allowed him to remotely control computers, which he used to steal 1.25 million from six high-value bank accounts. He was released on parole four years later, which turned out to be a mistake, since it was then that he built ... the machine.

London Metropolitan Police*Play for full effect.*

It might look like a toy vacuum cleaner from a particularly distressing Pixar movie, but it was capable of altering Muldowney-Colston's voice to match the age and gender of whoever he was pretending to be and playing pre-recorded bank messages. It included a convenient card reader, for reasons we genuinely cannot figure out. He used it in a series of phone scams that wrangled him 500,000 pounds, convincing customers that he was their bank or banks that he was a customer. He was rearrested last year, sparing the world from the identity theft Gundam he was inevitably going to build.

Shockingly, the shoot turned into a total disaster. Who could have foreseen?! For starters, Bosque kept rewriting the script at the last second, and his dialogue was so bad that the crew screamed with laughter off-camera, which wasn't the ideal atmosphere for passionate sex scenes. At one point, a guy laughed so hard that he had to lean against a supporting pole, and the whole set collapsed on top of the performers. None of the actors had ever ridden a horse before, so dramatic horseback scenes turned into "horse wandering around with a terrified stripper perched awkwardly on top" scenes. Bosque also insisted on shooting scenes at a local fisting club because they offered him free lifetime membership if he featured them.

Sadly, not even that cost-saving measure could keep Bosque from running out of money before post-production. Broke and lonely, he returned to San Francisco in search of Carl Denton. He didn't find his former lover, who had since moved to Texas, but the police, who had been trying to track him down for 15 months at this point, found him. He was super arrested, but there was still the matter of getting Brink's their money back, so their insurance company sued for the rights to the film Bosque made with it. The case was quickly dropped, however, after the director distributed photos of the fisting scene in court. So that's something to keep in mind should you ever find yourself in such a situation. In our experience, that's a good way to get out of any lawsuit.

For more, check out Why No Cop Show On TV Is Accurate (Yes, Even 'The Wire') - Today's Topic:

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