5 Celebrities With Insanely Embarrassing Internet Histories

The internet can't be bargained with.
5 Celebrities With Insanely Embarrassing Internet Histories

Listen and understand. The internet can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are embarrassed by some stupid thing you did years ago. That's probably bad news for society, but it's great news for us and our habit of gawking at the naive past of celebrities. For instance ...

Children's YouTuber Blippi Used To Be A Gross-Out Comedian Who Pooped On A Friend

If you haven't heard of Blippi, that's only because you don't have a toddler. His educational(ish) YouTube videos have racked up billions of views, and while there's been some criticism of his Mr. Rogers on methamphetamine shtick, he's built an impressive commercial empire. But before actor Stevin John created the Blippi character, he was trying to make it as Steezy Grossman, "a boy born as poop resulting from anal intercourse." So his audience used to be equally immature, though for very different reasons.

Steezy made luminous videos with titles like "Turdboy" and "Underwear Man," because it's always a big moment in a Turdboy's life when he finally grows to be an Underwear Man. But it was his ... unique take on the Harlem Shake meme that garnered him infamy. If you don't remember the 2013 fad, then consider yourself lucky, but in short, one person would dance to the slow part of the song, then once it picked up, you'd cut to a bunch of people doing something wacky. Like every meme, it started out mildly amusing, then it became grating, and then politicians started doing it and it was officially dead.

In Steezy's "Harlem Shake Poop," he sits on a toilet, and then we cut to him naked and spraying crap all over the room. Some of it hits his friend's butt. A naked man shotguns poop onto his naked friend. That's the joke. Yes, it's exactly disgusting as you're imagining. We know this because we watched it for you, dear reader. You're welcome.

5 Celebrities With Insanely Embarrassing Internet Histories
Photo barely unrelated.

Somehow this bit did not set the internet alight, and after failing to make it with something the Jackass crew would look down on as lowbrow, the now-SFW children's entertainer attempted to scrub the digital footprint of his old extremely NSFW persona. He sent takedown notices to anyone who so much as breathed the words "Steezy Grossman."

The discovery of his past touched off a debate about whether it was appropriate to let kids watch Blippi, who for his part expressed "regret," but reassured viewers that he'd "grown up a lot since then." Indeed, who among us doesn't regret pooping on their friend at the tender, ignorant age of 25?

Related: Embarrassing Early Jobs Famous Actors Hope Nobody Remembers

The Author Of Ready Player One Wrote Truly Awful Poetry

Ernest Cline, author of Nostalgia: The Novel, had a winding path to success. Ready Player One was released in 2011, but he had been writing poetry and screenplays for over a decade prior. And you'll be delighted to know that he also performed slam poetry, which is like rapping for people with no charisma, rhythm, or talent. Highlights include prison rape jokes and a fantasy about murdering people for bothering him in a movie theater. But, somehow worse, one of those poems was titled "Nerd Porn Auteur." Yes, it is exactly as insufferable as it sounds.

The gist of the piece is that, unlike all of those other stupid men who mindlessly masturbate to pornography, Cline wants to masturbate to your nerd credentials. As demonstrated through pornography. This excerpt gets the message across, unfortunately.

I've noticed that there don't seem to be any porno movies
That are made for guys like me.
All the porn I've come across
was targeted at beer-swilling sports bar dwelling alpha-males
Men who like their women stupid and submissive
Men who can only get it up for monosyllabic cock-hungry nymphos
with gargantuan breasts and a three word vocabulary
These aren't real women. They're objects.
And these movies aren't erotic. They're pathetic.
These vacuum-headed fuck bunnies don't turn me on. They disgust me.

Cline's problem isn't that society objectifies women; it's that we're not objectifying the right women. Attractive women are clearly stupid. But, in a powerful feminist statement, Cline will heroically jerk off to you even if he thinks you're an ugly nerd.

My porn starlets will come in all shapes and sizes.
My porn starlets will be too busy working on their PhD to go to the gym.
It doesn't matter if you think you're overweight or unattractive.
It doesn't matter if you don't think you're beautiful.
You are beautiful ...
And I will make you a star.

5 Celebrities With Insanely Embarrassing Internet Histories
Gage Skidmore/Wikimedia Commons
"Gee ... um ... thanks, Ernie."

We know that pornography targeted at socially awkward men sounds crazy, but that erect rebel wanted to make it a reality! Now, Cline wrote this back in 2000, and it would be one thing if he had since squirreled it away in shame. But he made no effort to hide this embarrassment from the public after he became famous, and it's even still proudly displayed on his website. Feel free to read it in its entirety if your brain isn't doing anything else today, or check out the original LiveJournal comments for a reminder that 2005 was barely a step beyond 1955.

Related: 6 Celebrities Who Accidentally Revealed Embarrassing Things

Post Malone Was A Minecraft Dork With Nerdy Friends

Post Malone, the internet rapper with a face that guarantees he can never be anything but an internet rapper, became a success through SoundCloud, then launched himself into the stratosphere with a track on Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse that's been watched over 630 million times on YouTube alone. At only 23, he's made for both a phenomenal success story and a phenomenal source of pre-fame shenanigans.

Some fans found his SoundCloud ghost of emo past, and his strange cover of "Silent Night." Others exhumed the corpse of his high school alter ego Leon DeChino, whose video "Why Don't You Love Me?" succinctly answers the title question. Garbed in "Chuck Norris" shorts, Malone asks why "the heck" his girl lied to him, while dancing like someone who just shed their polio braces, all to the greatest special effects 1980s karaoke machines had to offer.

Later, Malone crashed at the home of Jason Probst, a YouTuber friend who also made dorky non-sequitur skits. So if you've ever wanted to see a probably high Malone deliver lines wooden enough to be a major cause of deforestation, here's your chance.

5 Celebrities With Insanely Embarrassing Internet Histories
This is from way back in his Maloning days. We hear he's past that now.

In other videos, he dabbles in Sinatra covers while his nerd pals screw around in Minecraft with all the thrilling energy of your dentist.

Malone has since sold 60 million records and won a pile of awards, while Probst has racked up just shy of 2.6 million subscribers. All of this is a very adorable reminder that talent is a process, not something you're born with. So the next time your parents tell you that you're wasting your life streaming video games all day, you can counter that, statistically, you're only probably wasting your life.

Related: 6 Dorky Hobbies That Shatter Your Image Of Famous People

Taylor Swift's Myspace Page Was An Inane Delight

Luckily for most of us who remember Myspace, our profiles are long forgotten by all but our eternal friend Tom. Unluckily for Taylor Swift, her profile still lurks within the dark recesses of internet days gone by. Her old page is rich with embarrassing posts and photos that commit the ultimate pop music crime: reminding society that a superstar with a carefully constructed corporate image was once a normal teenage girl.

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Taylor Swift
Which we guess is synonymous with being attracted to terrible photo filters.

In the photo album titled "Playing around with my laptop," there are gems featuring Swift showing off her cat or testing out seemingly all the filter options at once. But the true highlight is the blog. The "18-- and a half" Swift talks about not liking to make decisions, which must be serving her well in an industry wherein an army of people are paid to decide things for her. She also mentions that "In life and love, you learn that there comes a time to let go and move on" -- a lesson that was immediately abandoned during her songwriting process.

T-Swizzle posted about her love of hardwood floors and weird medical problems, saying, "if one of my friends ever complains of a headache or stomach ache, I'm probably going to spout off 12 different things that could be wrong with them. Because I'm way paranoid." She also mentions her obsessions with Grey's Anatomy, Law & Order, and CSI. Or in her words, "if you start a conversation about Law and Order: SVU or CSI with me, we will be talking for at least an hour. I consider myself an expert on those two things.. only those two things."

It's all delightfully mundane, right down to her need to tell the world that she spends her free time eating Cool Whip while "talking to my cat and making playlists of sad songs." Finally, she gives advice to fans on how to approach her, saying that she's "thankful for the girls who walk right up and hug me, instead of keeping their distance." So there you have it. If you ever meet Taylor Swift, be sure to give her a big hug, tell her all about your weird medical problems, and then launch into a conversation about CSI. That's her ideal fan.

Related: 5 Famous People Who Are Pure Madness On Social Media

Vampire Weekend's Ezra Koenig Was An Atrocious Rapper

Well before Vampire Weekend's 2014 Grammy, singer Ezra Koenig formed L'Homme Run with a friend and dropped some rap tracks on an unwilling world. To give you a sense of his skill as a rapper, he dubbed himself Ezra Factory, because he was "a factory that produces Ezra, because I'm so hot, but also that I'm a factory of cool rhymes." Yeah, this is going to get rough.

Factory explored relatable subjects like smoking weed at a pizza party. This one starts off as a lighthearted track, but only a minute in it veers off into Koenig inviting a girl he likes to come to his college rap show, only to see her walk out and never talk to him again.

We understand if you're afraid to click play, so here's a sample of those sick lyrics:

If you got a blunt then we can get high
If you wanna come then pick up the phone
Don't get caught with a wack calzone

Later he raps about his beef with the pizza delivery guy:

Pizza boy gotta move two pies in 20 minutes
I try to pull over, but not in time
I get hit from the back, but I'm still fine
Pizza boy was bleedin'-shard of glass in his head
I straight jacked his pizzas and left him for dead

There is, unfortunately, more.

You can hear hints of the Vampires to come in "Bitches," but it also contains bizarre rhymes like:

I'll sample The Beatles if I want to spend money
Cuz I don't buy Gucci, I don't buy Prada
You look like a ho from a ranch in Nevada


Focus on the breasts
Focus on the thighs
Bitches asking Why this, why that, how come

Finally there's "Interracial Dating," which somehow didn't become the summer's breakout hit.

There's a lot to unpack there, but the lines From here to Texas, girls call me sexist / 'Cause I airbrushed your breasts on the top of my Lexus and I'm not Napoleon, I Waterloo / L'Homme Run got feelings too really stand out. Anyway, Koenig's latest universally acclaimed album contains the track "Unbearably White," so he's nothing if not self-aware.

Feel free to dig up this Facebook page for Peter's other moronic writings. Visit Caitlin's poetry blog.

For more, check out The 5 Most Hilariously Drug-Fueled Celebrity Interviews Ever - The Spit Take:

Also, we'd love to know more about you and your interesting lives, dear readers. If you spend your days doing cool stuff, drop us a line at iDoCoolStuff at Cracked dot com, and maybe we can share your story with the entire internet.

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