5 Celebrities With Insanely Embarrassing Internet Histories

The gist of the piece is that, unlike all of those other stupid men who mindlessly masturbate to pornography, Cline wants to masturbate to your nerd credentials. As demonstrated through pornography. This excerpt gets the message across, unfortunately.

I've noticed that there don't seem to be any porno movies
That are made for guys like me.
All the porn I've come across
was targeted at beer-swilling sports bar dwelling alpha-males
Men who like their women stupid and submissive
Men who can only get it up for monosyllabic cock-hungry nymphos
with gargantuan breasts and a three word vocabulary
...
These aren't real women. They're objects.
And these movies aren't erotic. They're pathetic.
These vacuum-headed fuck bunnies don't turn me on. They disgust me.

Cline's problem isn't that society objectifies women; it's that we're not objectifying the right women. Attractive women are clearly stupid. But, in a powerful feminist statement, Cline will heroically jerk off to you even if he thinks you're an ugly nerd.

My porn starlets will come in all shapes and sizes.
My porn starlets will be too busy working on their PhD to go to the gym.
...
It doesn't matter if you think you're overweight or unattractive.
It doesn't matter if you don't think you're beautiful.
You are beautiful ...
And I will make you a star.

Gage Skidmore/Wikimedia Commons"Gee ... um ... thanks, Ernie."

We know that pornography targeted at socially awkward men sounds crazy, but that erect rebel wanted to make it a reality! Now, Cline wrote this back in 2000, and it would be one thing if he had since squirreled it away in shame. But he made no effort to hide this embarrassment from the public after he became famous, and it's even still proudly displayed on his website. Feel free to read it in its entirety if your brain isn't doing anything else today, or check out the original LiveJournal comments for a reminder that 2005 was barely a step beyond 1955.

Later, Malone crashed at the home of Jason Probst, a YouTuber friend who also made dorky non-sequitur skits. So if you've ever wanted to see a probably high Malone deliver lines wooden enough to be a major cause of deforestation, here's your chance.

SkyDoesEverything/YouTubeThis is from way back in his Maloning days. We hear he's past that now.

In other videos, he dabbles in Sinatra covers while his nerd pals screw around in Minecraft with all the thrilling energy of your dentist.

Malone has since sold 60 million records and won a pile of awards, while Probst has racked up just shy of 2.6 million subscribers. All of this is a very adorable reminder that talent is a process, not something you're born with. So the next time your parents tell you that you're wasting your life streaming video games all day, you can counter that, statistically, you're only probably wasting your life.

In the photo album titled "Playing around with my laptop," there are gems featuring Swift showing off her cat or testing out seemingly all the filter options at once. But the true highlight is the blog. The "18-- and a half" Swift talks about not liking to make decisions, which must be serving her well in an industry wherein an army of people are paid to decide things for her. She also mentions that "In life and love, you learn that there comes a time to let go and move on" -- a lesson that was immediately abandoned during her songwriting process.

T-Swizzle posted about her love of hardwood floors and weird medical problems, saying, "if one of my friends ever complains of a headache or stomach ache, I'm probably going to spout off 12 different things that could be wrong with them. Because I'm way paranoid." She also mentions her obsessions with Grey's Anatomy, Law & Order, and CSI. Or in her words, "if you start a conversation about Law and Order: SVU or CSI with me, we will be talking for at least an hour. I consider myself an expert on those two things.. only those two things."

It's all delightfully mundane, right down to her need to tell the world that she spends her free time eating Cool Whip while "talking to my cat and making playlists of sad songs." Finally, she gives advice to fans on how to approach her, saying that she's "thankful for the girls who walk right up and hug me, instead of keeping their distance." So there you have it. If you ever meet Taylor Swift, be sure to give her a big hug, tell her all about your weird medical problems, and then launch into a conversation about CSI. That's her ideal fan.

Related: 5 Famous People Who Are Pure Madness On Social Media

Factory explored relatable subjects like smoking weed at a pizza party. This one starts off as a lighthearted track, but only a minute in it veers off into Koenig inviting a girl he likes to come to his college rap show, only to see her walk out and never talk to him again.

We understand if you're afraid to click play, so here's a sample of those sick lyrics:

P-I-Z-Z-A-P-AR-T-Y
If you got a blunt then we can get high
If you wanna come then pick up the phone
Don't get caught with a wack calzone

Later he raps about his beef with the pizza delivery guy:

Pizza boy gotta move two pies in 20 minutes
I try to pull over, but not in time
I get hit from the back, but I'm still fine
Pizza boy was bleedin'-shard of glass in his head
I straight jacked his pizzas and left him for dead

There is, unfortunately, more.

You can hear hints of the Vampires to come in "Bitches," but it also contains bizarre rhymes like:

I'll sample The Beatles if I want to spend money
Cuz I don't buy Gucci, I don't buy Prada
You look like a ho from a ranch in Nevada

And:

Focus on the breasts
Focus on the thighs
Bitches asking Why this, why that, how come

Finally there's "Interracial Dating," which somehow didn't become the summer's breakout hit.

There's a lot to unpack there, but the lines From here to Texas, girls call me sexist / 'Cause I airbrushed your breasts on the top of my Lexus and I'm not Napoleon, I Waterloo / L'Homme Run got feelings too really stand out. Anyway, Koenig's latest universally acclaimed album contains the track "Unbearably White," so he's nothing if not self-aware.

Feel free to dig up this Facebook page for Peter's other moronic writings. Visit Caitlin's poetry blog.

For more, check out The 5 Most Hilariously Drug-Fueled Celebrity Interviews Ever - The Spit Take:

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