5 Early Versions Of Movies That Would've Changed Everything

These were soldier dinosaurs trained by the military to kill terrorists and rescue their victims, as if those victims wouldn't take one look at a murderous manosaur and run right back to their captors. They were also tasked with killing normal dinosaurs that escaped the park, because the scientists at InGen never met a problem that couldn't be solved by cloning more dinosaurs.

This was not from the brain of some coked-up producer. The whole DNA-splicing concept was in fact Steven Spielberg's, and he called it "the mother of all ideas." You could say he was so preoccupied with whether or not he could, that he didn't stop to think whether he might be an idiot.

Related: 10 Deleted Scenes That Would've Ruined The Film

This freak show was pitched by Willis O'Brien, who did the special effects for the original King Kong. In O'Brien's script, a relative of the famous Dr. Frankenstein is hiding out in the jungles of Africa, but instead of stitching together pieces of dead humans like a normal Frankenstein, he opts to do his thing with parts of various giant animals for his own wacky experiments. Predictably, things don't go as planned, and Frankenstein is killed by his unnecessarily large creation. Word gets back to the U.S., where showbiz promoters plan to capture the creature and pair it with King Kong for a big stadium display show, because entertainment was very different before cable.

Both monsters escape and tear through San Francisco, eventually beating each other senseless atop the Golden Gate Bridge. RKO Pictures fully intended to make the movie, but sadly, they were unable to afford the special effects. They sought funding from Godzilla owners Toho, which bought the script and swapped in their own giant monster, saving us all from the pedants who would forever point out that the title should actually be King Kong vs. Frankenstein's Monster.

Related: 21 Real Deleted Scenes That Completely Change Famous Movies

In an earlier scene, Spider-Man discovers his web-slinging abilities, and weirdly enough, the whole thing is presented as a thinly veiled metaphor for nocturnal emissions. Cameron describes it in such obscenely loving detail that even now, somewhere on this planet, a nerd is masturbating to it:

Despite its failure to become a reality thanks to a tragically bankrupt studio, some elements of Cameron's script were later revisited in Sam Raimi's version, like Peter Parker's organic webbing. And of course, that webbing is still explored in a scene vaguely reminiscent of furtive masturbation.

Related: 6 Classic Movies That Were Saved By (Wisely) Deleted Scenes

The script was written with Arnold Schwarzenegger in mind for the lead, an architect who survives the apocalypse by stocking his swimming pool with fish and collecting an almost comical supply of machine guns. As a plus for non-Schwarzenegger fans, he would've played a largely silent role, with nary a "suck" pun to be heard.

The script is packed with action-filled scenes that are much more appropriate for Arnold, too -- like one in which he reverses his car through dozens of creatures in a back alley while simultaneously punching the one in his passenger seat. We can't say this would have been more true to Richard Matheson's novel, but it would have been, in critical terms, "hilariously badass."

Related: 5 Deleted Scenes That Would've Made Movies 10 Times Darker

It only gets weirder from there. A later draft reveals that Freddy raped Jason as a child, then drowned him so he wouldn't tell an adult. That might be the worst shot at Jason's origin story ever -- and that's saying something. According to Fangoria, the molestation part was taken pretty seriously. It remained in drafts over a four-year period without anyone stopping to say, "Wait, is there even a slight possibility that this is totally insane?" It even shows up in a toned-down form in the final movie, in which Freddy is shown as a camp counselor in a dream sequence and drowns Jason.

Another idea was so ludicrous it never even made it to the scripting stage: Jason crossing paths with Cheech & Chong. They were to be stoner camp counselors, debating whether or not Jason was a myth. Thankfully, the screenwriters restrained themselves, and they did not molest Jason at any point.

Visit Ying & Yan, a weekly comic strip about conjoined twins who can't stand each other -- or complain about how much it sucks.

Support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

For more, check out The Horrifying Deleted Timeline From Back To The Future:

The first-ever Cracked Podcast LIVE TOUR is coming to a city near (some of) you this spring! Tickets on sale now for Chicago IL (April 11th) and St. Paul MN (April 12th).

Follow us on Facebook. It's free.