They also found that the average heists lasts four minutes, and if you manage to stay in there for longer than that (think of baseball or something), each additional minute nets you an extra $1,700 on average. Somebody's gonna have to do the math on how many minutes you'd have to be camped out in your local depository if you want those aforementioned yachts and islands, but put it this way: Pack a good book and a penknife, because you're going to have to whittle one of those cashier desks into a bed.

Related: 6 Baffling Mistakes Every Movie Criminal Makes

As the crime itself is so removed from any sense of consequence (over, say, pickpocketing), few consciously say to themselves, "OK, I'm gonna be a criminal now." For the vast majority, it was a slow gradual slide to the bottom, or the consequence of poor impulse-driven idiocy. This is why when Soltes pressed his interviewees about the point at which they knowingly crossed over into doing crime, only a few could identify it in hindsight. We can imagine Madoff watching the Robert De Niro movie they made about him and going, "Ohhh, so that's why I'm doing 150 years in jail."

Related: 7 Brilliant Movie Lawyers (Who Suck At Their Job)

Last year, the CDC released a report highlighting how 2017 was the worst year for gun-related deaths since the 1970s -- a figure that sent all corners of the media into histrionics. But the lede that most outlets buried was the fact that over half of these deaths were suicides -- 23,854, itself the highest number in nearly two decades. But since that's a subject more likely to make you keep scrolling than hate-click, you don't hear about it.

Good thing that the president keeps bringing the national conversation back around to the subject of mental health whenever a mass shooting occurs, huh? It'd be even fucking sweller if he could put some money toward funding those services, but hey ho.

Related: 5 Types Of 'Scientific Evidence' You Won't Believe Are B.S.

The people responsible for these attacks have "vastly different political and religious beliefs and backgrounds." Lots are terrorists, yes, but many others are regular wackjobs who just decided to hurt people one day. Then they looked at the TV or their phones, saw all the coverage VRAs were getting, and said, "Hey, there's an idea."

It isn't all bad news, though. As with all memes and viral phenomenon, VRAs will eventually die out, although as the researchers note, "they will be likely be replaced by another form of horrific attack that will also spread through digital networks." Ha, you thought the opposite of bad news was good news, didn't you?

Related: 7 Bullshit Police Myths Everyone Believes (Thanks To Movies)

When the Secret Service decided to go all Mindhunter on people who have tried to kill (or actually killed) public figures in the United States, they discovered that our image of assassins is pretty much made from bullshit whole cloth. That thing about how the only two types of assassin are "paid" or "crazy"? They didn't find a single instance of a paid assassin, while less than half of those doing it for free showed signs of mental illness. "We didn't find demons or evil people," one agent who presumably didn't have clearance for the government's secret demon-holding facility said.

That thing about them being single-minded? Many of them started out with a target in mind, but somewhere along the way decided to switch it up, "valuing the act more than the victim." That thing about them threatening their intended target? While most assassins do blab to a family member about their plans, only a marginal percentage of the people who assassinate or attempt to assassinate an American politician ever signed their crime. Not even John Wilkes Booth, and that guy was used to autographs.

So what are assassins like? For the most part, like regular people, except they're assassins. Yeah, that should help narrow things down.

Adam Wears is on Twitter and Facebook, and has a newsletter dedicated to depressing history facts. It's not as heartbreakingly sad as it sounds, promise!

If you loved this article and want more content like this, consider a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

For more, check out Why Movie Cops Are Terrible At Their Jobs - After Hours:

The first-ever Cracked Podcast LIVE TOUR is coming to a city near (some of) you this spring! Tickets on sale now for Chicago IL (April 11th) and St. Paul MN (April 12th).

Follow us on Facebook. Because why not?