5 Types Of Crime Everybody Pictures Completely Wrong

5

The Average Bank Robbery Nets A Disappointingly Low Amount

If you need money in a hurry and aren't too keen on that whole "work" thing, have you tried robbing a bank? It's incredibly dangerous, sure, but if you pull it off, you'll have a lifetime of relaxation awaiting on your new private-island-shaped yacht or yacht-shaped private island. Or even a yacht-shaped yacht, if you're one of those weirdos.

Of course, there are a couple of things that we should mention. Firstly, please don't rob a bank (our lawyers begged us to add that). Secondly, it turns out that bank robberies are such a terrible way to make money that, screw retirement, it'd be hard to justify calling in sick to your day job on the day of the "big" score.

Or at least, that's the conclusion of a study conducted by economists Giovanni Mastrobuoni and David A. Rivers. After poring over data relating to every bank robbery conducted in Italy between 2000 and 2006, the two discovered that the average bank heist yielded $19,800, which is nowhere near the $10 million you promised Brad Pitt if he joined your crew.

Giovanni Mastrobuoni and David A. RiversYou could afford Matt Damon, but only barely.

They also found that the average heists lasts four minutes, and if you manage to stay in there for longer than that (think of baseball or something), each additional minute nets you an extra $1,700 on average. Somebody's gonna have to do the math on how many minutes you'd have to be camped out in your local depository if you want those aforementioned yachts and islands, but put it this way: Pack a good book and a penknife, because you're going to have to whittle one of those cashier desks into a bed.

4

Most White Collar Criminals Aren't Conniving Assholes, But Hapless Morons

Leo DiCaprio movies aside, white collar criminals are usually portrayed as about the sleaziest type of human beings imaginable. What could motivate someone to screw hundreds or even thousands of people merely to go from "rich" to "even richer"? Is it greed? A belief that they won't get caught? Pure black-hearted evilness? How about greed? Did we mention greed?

Good news, we have an answer! And it's ... balls-out stupidity.

When Eugene Soltes, a researcher who specializes in white collar crime, decided to look into how business leaders could turn on a dime (or a lot of dimes), he found something interesting. Namely, the vast majority kinda bumbled their way into it -- "it" being crime, and then a jail cell.

When Soltes interviewed executives convicted of white collar crimes, one recurring rationale was that for all their brilliance and expertise, they never figured that they were doing anything truly wrong. In their minds, the crimes were so small and the rewards so minute that they didn't really stop to think that they were breaking the law. Even Bernie Madoff, the guy behind the largest Ponzi scheme in history, was like "Eh, it's not that big of a deal."

3

Most Gun-Related Deaths Are Suicides

Guns are a hot topic nowadays, probably as a result of them being fired so damn much. Many of these discussions about how we're, um ... misusing firearms tend to focus on high-profile phenomena like mass shootings and gang crime. But when you look at the figures, it's clear that the most prolific form of lead infusion, the one that's doing the most damage to society, is suicide. And it's been like that for some time.

BBCTo be clear, we think all the numbers in this graph are awful, including "2016."

2

Vehicle Ramming Attacks Spread Like A Virus

In the last few years, vehicle ramming attacks (VRAs) have become a popular tool of terrorists and murderers. If you don't believe us, literally every other word of this sentence links to a recent story about someone driving a vehicle into a crowd of people, and it's getting a little depressing now holy shit how are we still going.

It's easy to think that VRAs are only a trend du jour because some terrorist think tank determined it's an easy way to get a good kill count, but the actual explanation is much dumber. It's a meme, basically. According to researchers from the Universities of Kent and Copenhagen, this sudden wave is "akin to a virus spread by social contagion whereby a single action leads to a wave of others, which would otherwise not take place."

1

We Don't Know Anything About Assassins

Whether they're doing it because of the voices in their heads or because they're on the line for a fat payday, assassins are single-minded predators who think of nothing but the kill. They like disguises, rifles, dodgy accents, and -- in a move that might be singlehandedly keeping the newspaper industry afloat -- sending their intended targets threatening notes or letters.

How do we know all of this? The same way we know about, uh, most things: movies like Ronin, Day Of The Jackal, John Wick, Taxi Driver, and In The Line Of Fire. And, as a result ... you already know where this is going.

UbisoftTurns out most assassins don't even do parkour or travel in time with their brains.