Even the "hippest" brand is run by a bunch of middle-aged marketing executives pretending they're cool 16-year-olds -- as though "cool 16-year-olds" are even a thing that exists. Nothing is more cringeworthy than a detergent ad telling you to "dab" out chocolate stains while a CGI cat does a Fortnite dance. Well, almost nothing ...

Xfinity Just Discovered Memes, And You Will Regret It

Xfinity has learned what memes are, and boy are they excited.

That's a 15-second clip of two grown human beings who once dreamt of serious acting careers droning "Yaaaaaaaaas" at each other while very clearly dying inside.

Can something feel centuries outdated if it came out in May?

At least someone at Xfinity had the forethought to disable the YouTube comments. Want to see if you have the fortitude to suffer through another one? You brave soul.

The couple is playing one of those classic racing games that require you to repeatedly mash one button. Then the victorious woman calls her husband / boyfriend / fellow pod person a "n00b!" As people do all of the time in genuine face to face conversation. And then this happens:

What, were you too proud of your disheveled apartment set to use the solid background?

The man responds by declaring, "Ain't nobody got time for that!" and leaving the scene on a hoverboard, hopefully to find a better life. Or at least a better commercial. Certainly a better company -- though the bar for that is obviously quite low.

A Soccer Team Awkwardly Introduced Their New Player With Fortnite

Imagine you're the middling French soccer team Nantes FC, and you would very much like for the world to pay attention to your hot new signing. What do you do? Why, you use footage from the megahit game Fortnite, which kids play in order to avoid sports.

The promo begins with a squad of two players in black and yellow jerseys, alongside what looks like John Wick after he got really into making his own kombucha.

Epic Games
You know all those pickaxes are gonna be a red card.

He vaguely resembles the team manager, and the players vaguely resemble a team that actually wears yellow and green. So far, so ... well, "good" seems a bit generous. So far, so-so. Next comes standard Fortnite gameplay, as the manager and his elite team jump to the island and go meet up at a soccer stadium.

6 Ads That Tried To Be Hip and Failed Horribly
Epic Games
In fairness, it would make soccer a hell of a lot more watchable if this was the standard opening to a game.

They don't bother editing out the boring parts, so enjoy watching the coach look at a ruined swimming pool and steal a shotgun from a gas station. Once they reach the stadium, they jog around and do nothing noteworthy for so long that everyone watching has to stop and wonder, "I know this is the internet and all, but surely we can do better than this?"

Epic Games
At 1:09, this video still somehow feels like it could outlast the heat death of the Universe.

And then John Wick and his bizarre soccer henchmen leave through the back door. But someone's lurking out there, and it's not some asshole camping with a rocket launcher.

6 Ads That Tried To Be Hip and Failed Horribly
Nantes FC/Epic Games
Instead, it's the one guy with the sense to include this kind of stunt in their press contract.

Why, it's their latest signing, Lucas Evangelista! After a shockingly poor transition, he turns and waves at the camera while looking confused and regretful. The poor guy. Most soccer players sell cars and aftershave while looking ruggedly handsome, and he's stuck executing the most baffling publicity stunt since the Dodgers announced their new star pitcher by slowly unearthing him in Minecraft.

Related: Quirky Corporate Twitter Accounts Are Not Your Friends

Drink Diet Coke Because Apathy Has Consumed Your Soul

After years of trying to convince us that we should drink caffeinated artificial sweetener for health benefits, Coke finally realized that no one was buying it, and a change of strategy was in order.

The ad stars Gillian Jacobs, cashing an easy paycheck as a literal walking hipster millennial stereotype. She offers up profound wisdom like "If you're in the mood for a diet coke, have a diet coke." She also adds that life is short, and running marathons "sounds super hard." Which is a gussied-up way of saying, "You're going to die sooner or later, and you know you hate taking care of your body, you fat sack of shit. Guzzle down one of our products to ease the pain and bring merciful oblivion closer."

6 Ads That Tried To Be Hip and Failed Horribly
Coca Cola
"Diet Coke: Enjoy the Refreshing Taste of Hedonistic Nihilism!"

"If you want to live in a yurt, yurt it up" the Coke explainer decrees with a sassy shrug. Have a Diet Coke just because you can. Fuck the consequences, haters! "Do whatever the fuck you want, because nothing matters and you kind of want to die anyway," the commercial starts to say before the writer is dragged away from their Twitter feed by people who care about them.

Related: The 5 Worst Marketing Ideas Ever Put Into Action

The European Union Thinks Girls Do Girly Science

How do you send the message that women are just as capable of working in science as men? If you're the EU's European Commission, you make a commercial that looks like a music video crossed with the story part of a porno, then fill it with lipstick and makeup. You know, that crap broads love.

The intent was admirable, but you don't fight lazy stereotypes by reinforcing them. For starters, the only actual scientist in the lab is a bewildered male.

6 Ads That Tried To Be Hip and Failed Horribly
EU European Commission
It seems using a microscope doesn't require glasses, but the idea of women in a lab necessitates 20/20.

Then we get a montage of high heels and painted nails alongside explosions of color and whatever scientific concepts the creators could recall from remedial middle school chemistry.

EU European Commission
We were grossly misled as to what chemists actually do.

Hydrogen exists! And so do girls! Science! The fever dream ends with the message "Science: It's a Girl Thing," only the "i" in "science" is lipstick.

EU European Commission
"We want something that says 'empowering' in the most condescending way possible."

We're not saying that you can't be both fashionable and a scientist, but -- just going out on a limb here -- wouldn't it make more sense to show already successful European women working as scientists?

6 Ads That Tried To Be Hip and Failed Horribly
EU European Commission
"So what precisely are we researching here?"

This Anti-Smoking Ad Will Make Teens Smoke Out Of Spite

This anti-smoking commercial metastasized onto TV screens in 2015, and TV has been on chemo ever since. If you haven't pulled the plug on cable, here's the best evidence yet for why you should:

If you made it through the whole thing, we'd first like to thank you for your service.

Whenever a teenager in the ad offers an excuse for why the odd cigarette is OK, the Archaic Rap guy, Ermahgerd girl, and other outdated memes pop up to announce "It's a trap!" You know, like from Star Wars. Get it? Nothing reaches the kids these days quite like a 15-year-old meme based on a movie from 1983.

Truth Initiative
What, no Hamster Dance or "All your base" guy? If you're going to look out of touch, might as well hit all the classics.

Co-starring alongside the memes are Z-list YouTube celebrities, who might sway the odd 12-year-old but probably don't have much influence on the health of college-bound teens. It's like using Logan Paul to sell baked beans. You've just stuck a couple of random things together, declared it "dank," and called it a day without giving thought as to whether it makes any goddamn sense.

Related: The 6 Most Baffling Marketing Disasters By Famous Companies

Subway Wants To Be The "Cool" Sandwich Chain

Subway's popularity has waned over the years, possibly because they charge eight bucks for a foot of moist rubber. So they teamed up with a hip new ad agency for the Make It What You Want campaign, going for "a slightly edgier vibe" that would forge "an emotional connection" with Subway's customers.

That's what the marketers say.

What do we say? Nothing. Nothing at all. We can only sigh until we run out of breath, pass out, and soil ourselves.

A DJ and a skateboard within the first three seconds? Holy shit, slow down and let us put our sunglasses on! Give us a minute to appreciate your totally hip soundtrack choice: a cover of a 1993 one-hit wonder sung through an intercom! Oh, you want to play golf? But the golf ball explodes? Holy shiiiiiiiiiiiitt!

6 Ads That Tried To Be Hip and Failed Horribly

People playing music ... in a truck? Subway, that is plain madness.

6 Ads That Tried To Be Hip and Failed Horribly

Fuck you, grandma's glassware! People who eat at Subway don't give a shit about your "rules"! Grandma couldn't even handle six inches of microwaved meatballs!

6 Ads That Tried To Be Hip and Failed Horribly

Standing on a motorcycle?! Does Tom Cruise eat at Subway?

6 Ads That Tried To Be Hip and Failed Horribly

People don't belong in shopping carts! Is there no end to Subway's wacky madness?

6 Ads That Tried To Be Hip and Failed Horribly

Make your sandwich hot, just like skating over fire! Awesome analogy, Subway!

6 Ads That Tried To Be Hip and Failed Horribly
The sandwich is ... less so, but that analogy is great.

We close on the Subway manifesto, "Don't take what you are given." Which seems like it could cause some confusion in a fast food place, but never mind that, be an asshole and fuck up a grocery store!

6 Ads That Tried To Be Hip and Failed Horribly
We get the impression that Subway is including some much-needed psychiatric prescriptions in that mantra of defiance.

There is, unfortunately, a whole series of commercials where "MAKE IT EPIC" flashes over a snowboarder doing a 720 Sandwich Bite, as if there's anything epic about getting to choose between two kinds of bland mustard. Subway is the food that students scarf down while studying because the line at the good sandwich shop is too long, not what hip young people bring with them on their extreme weekend outings. Stop being the midlife crisis mom who invites themselves along on their kid's ski trip, and just tell us what new pile of salty meat you've added to your menu.

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For more, check out 7 Racist And Sexist Ads That Are Shockingly Recent - The Spit Take:

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