A Force-sensitive being causes Luke to lose the "delicate" and "naked" side of himself mere hours before he uses the Force to save the Rebellion. That much is fact. It could be a coincidence, or it could mean that without Omi, Luke would be some farm boy who got gunned down by a TIE fighter before the credits rolled. The story ends with Omi "submitted to her destiny" as the Death Star explodes, happy in the knowledge that she completed her mission. None of us will ever die with as much purpose and clarity as the squid plumber Darth Vader hired to work in his sewer.
Related: 24 Aspects Of Star Wars That Deserve Their Own Movies
Butt-Face Guy And Melty-Face Man Are Essentially Supervillains
In the first Star Wars, Luke runs into two ridiculous aliens who exist only to satisfy the Lucas arm-removal fetish, but a lot of bizarre events led to them being there. They met years before, when Melty-Face Man, whose real name is Cornelius Evazan, was saved from a bounty hunter by Butt-Face Guy, whose real name was Walrus Man, which was then changed to Ponda Baba. The bounty hunter was hired by victims of Evazan's macabre experiments in his effort to find the cure for death.
LucasfilmThough why anyone would want to live forever with a face like that is anyone's guess.
After Luke cuts Ponda Baba's arm off, Evazan tries to reattach it, but that doesn't work out. He almost kills his pal, and so the two break up. They eventually reunite, and Evazan sets to work creating a "mind-transferring machine." That's a lofty goal for an amateur doctor who couldn't even reattach an arm or remove even a single anal wart from his own face. It's at this point that our story, "Doctor Death: The Tale Of Dr. Evazan And Ponda Baba," begins. Evazan is chatting with a local senator who funded the creation of his machine, when suddenly a group of assassins attacks the castle! Yes, the guy picking bar fights at Mos Eisley is a mad scientist doing brain experiments in a castle lair.
Luckily, the assassins are quickly killed by Evazan's pet, a giant green blob monster called Rover, because the story is a collection of only the most tired of sci-fi tropes. Evazan even shows the senator to an underground lab filled with deformed failed subjects in glass jars. Then, in a twist no one could have seen coming, he betrays his benefactor and straps the senator into the mind-transferring machine with the unarmed Baba. In a fit of cackling laughter and cliches, he switches their bodies!
Several dumb things happen, including a different disguised assassin attacking and another break-up, until the story mercifully ends with Evazan leaping from the roof of his lab while encased in his blob pet to escape an explosion. If this all isn't ludicrously supervillain-y enough, Evazan is later "killed" by Boba Fett while building a zombie army on the planet Necropolis. But wait! Evazan comes back to life with the help of "reanimation serum." Which means, wait, people in the Star Wars universe can do that? That sort of makes the whole "Darth Vader sacrificing himself" thing seem a bit pointless. Melty-Face Man did more than ruin Luke Skywalker's trip to the bar that day; he might have ruined the entire concept of death in the Galaxy.
And this was just in the old continuity! In the new canon, Evazan turns people into headless cyborg slaves! Yep.
Support your favorite Cracked writers with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.
For more, check out Everyone's Favorite 'Star Wars' Character (Sucks At His Job):
Follow us on Facebook. It's free.