A French Town Is Being Terrorized By A Horny Dolphin

This summer, residents of the French coastal town of Brest noticed their bay was host to a particularly playful guest: a male bottlenose dolphin nicknamed Zafar, who was charming beachgoers with his highly social nature and love for humans. But in a tale as old as the invention of the HR department, Zafar's behavior has taken a sinister turn, as he can't seem to keep his flippers to himself.

In the past few weeks, Zafar has transformed into a full-blown sex pest, forcefully rubbing up to anyone and anything dolphin-shaped. Experts warn that the dolphin is now "in rut," and is seeking the warm embrace of kayaks and swimmers because he can't find a proper mate. The overly affectionate dolphin is now being considered an actual threat to swimmers, after one woman had to be rescued by boat after he trapped her and prevented her from leaving the water.

In response to this aggressive behavior, the mayor of Brest has promptly placed a ban on swimming or diving in the area, telling people to stay at least 50 feet away from the horny dolphin and proving that Jaws could've had a happy ending if it had been rated R (and not for violence).

Why can't Zafar just find another nice dolphin to settle down with? According to Elizabeth Hawkins, lead researcher with Dolphin Research Australia, it's because this pervy porpoise has become a "social outcast" from the dolphin community. If that's the case, all the town has to do to rid themselves of this sexually inappropriate creep who likes to corner women is wait is nine months, after which he can go back and perform 15-minute sets at the Comedy Cellar.

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