The Only Good Alex Jones Conspiracy Theory You Need To Hear

After a long weekend that saw everyone from YouTube to Facebook to Pinterest to, uh, YouPorn delete his content, it's fair to say that Alex Jones isn't having a great time of it right now. We'd offer our sympathies, but considering that he built a career out of siccing conspiracy theorist goonballs on bereaved parents, we couldn't be happier about this news, if only because it means our crazed uncles might be able to get through Thanksgiving without throwing holy water at us in order to exorcise the "demons."

On the plus side for Jones, this downtime -- the sort of downtime you can only have after losing a sizable majority of your audience (along with most of your revenue streams) -- gives him the chance to pivot and rebrand himself not as a monger of conspiracies, but as a monger of dope-ass beats.

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See, there's a surprising amount of evidence out there that Alex Jones is hardcore into acid house record producing, like a video he shot in 2016 titled "Democrat Counter-Coup Against Trump in Progress." (This totally happened, by the by.) The video -- in which, like in many others, his spheroid pastrami-hued head bloviates about globalists -- opens with a shot of his sound equipment setup, which includes a drum machine, mixing board, some baller studio monitors, and a couple of TB-303 synths -- an array that, according to people who know music, is far beyond the sort of thing that a casual hobbyist would own.

Alex Jones/YouTube

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Oh, and speaking of synths, check out the background of this video ("Planet Earth Hacked. Biggest Attack in History"), which was apparently filmed in Jones' Scrooge-McDuck-esque vault of synths and keyboards.

Alex Jones/YouTube

There's also the fact that after acid house icon A Guy Called Gerald uploaded a live jam to his YouTube channel, Jones commented in order to question him about his setup -- and later took to Reddit to chastise another poster for calling Gerald "some dude."

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Admittedly, there could be a perfectly innocent explanation for all of this. Maybe they're used to mix the beats that overlay Infowars' infosharts. But Jones has made a fortune out of accusing innocent people of much worse things than liking acid house, all on much less evidence, so screw it: This theory is correct, the establishment doesn't want you to hear it, and anyone who says otherwise is infringing on our First Amendment right to free speech.

Adam Wears is on Twitter and Facebook, and has a newsletter about depressing history that you should definitely subscribe to.

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