Most men would just accept the scarcity of nipples on sheep as a tragic fact of life, but not Bell. No, he decided to be the change he wanted to see in the world. So he spent roughly 30 years of research on finding sheep that just so happened to have more than two nipples, then breeding them together. After blowing an obscene amount of money on his nipple quest, he more or less accomplished what he set out to do. His flock went from averaging a little more than two nipples (weak, pathetic) to averaging five to six nipples (glorious). As an added bonus, the super-nippled sheep began to produce twins and triplets almost twice as often as the normie-nippled sheep. So the next time you come across a sheep, dive-tackle it, wrestle it onto its back, and start counting nipples (as it is your legal right to do), remember that you might have the father of the telephone to thank for at least a few of those.
Maybe Bell would've stuck to phones if he could have seen the Google Pixel 2 XL.
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The flow of time is cruel to us all.
- By Mark Hill
- April 12, 2019