Adam Wears
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If you're like us, you spend a lot of time pondering the minutiae of your favorite movies and shows. For instance, "Why didn't all of the wizards at Hogwarts ensorcel their own buttholes with teleportation enchantments so they never had to visit the bathroom?" But digressions aside, the best way to truly understand a fictional world is by figuring out how its characters do the nasty. And we're here to tell you that some of your favorite characters are a lot freakier than you think. Like how ...
Westworld has lots of fun activities, like drinking sarsaparilla, mass murder, and the creepy recitation of existential riddles. But most people don't pay $500,000 just to go LARPing with James Marsden. They've got more carnal urges in mind.
Knowing this, it's gotta be hella awkward when a couple visits the park. Sure, the family that slays together stays together, but what about the sex? Westworld, let us remind you, is a place where every desire you've ever felt in your loins can be explored with machine precision.
So what if you visit the park, and your partner doesn't like robot sex, but you've been dreaming about this ever since you lost your virginity to the vacuum cleaner? Unless you're the most forward-thinking couple in Frontier Land, it's going to suck because either A) you're going to resent that you couldn't live out your sodbuster gangbang fantasia, or B) you'll lie tearfully on your cot while your partner has a whale of a time with an entire 1880s mining camp.
HBOYou know how they say that Facebook is now responsible for a third of divorces? Westworld would have the other two-thirds covered.
So it's clearly not a good idea to go to Westworld as a couple, Groupons be damned. But even when leaving you're S.O. at home, you're still not in the clear. One month into the opening of Westworld, everyone will have figured out that it's basically the incognito browser of theme parks. And how would you ever know your spouse stuck to that laminated Do's and Don'ts list you agreed upon beforehand? Just be ready to return to a lifetime of plain ham sandwiches, because nothing will compare to that robotic orgy hoagie you indulged while Anthony Hopkins leered at you from the corner.
In a recent interview, one of the writers of Solo announced that Lando Calrissian is pansexual. Come on, it's a galaxy far, far away. Everyone has to be! You see, the Star Wars movies focus on human characters, but that universe contains millions of planets and evolutionary varietals. Humans are but a tiny subset of all known life, and our stereotypical sexual configurations don't mean bupkis. There's going to be cross-species boning, even if one or both parties have no bones to speak of.
LucasfilmThat does finally explain how Jabba manages to perv out on a half dozen species in 20 minutes of screen time.
And we haven't even talked about all of the billions of hilariously incompatible genitals. Phalluses could be of any shape, vaginas could be magic midi-chlorian cloaca, and your nude partner's erogenous zone could be literal light years away (because it's a tree on a forest planet in another damn galaxy, or at least that's what they tell you). To sum things up, if you're not sleeping with one of those pig vikings who worked for Jabba the Hutt, you're doing it wrong.
Despite the fact that the internet isn't a thing in the wizarding world, there's no way that sexting and porn don't exist. And if there's anyone deep into that business, it's the hidden society where pictures do whatever you tell them to.
Warner Bros. PicturesYou can guess where this is going.
In Harry Potter And The Curse Of The Waxy Bassoon, we find that photographs in the magical world aren't like the ones in this world -- they're more like endlessly recurring GIFs. That means that for centuries, while the rest of civilization had to settle for vague doodles of people's ankles, wizards were taking magical sexts and using owls to transport smut to everyone. It's just a shame that the name "Howlers" is already taken, that would've been a good slang term for these.
Warner Bros. PicturesControversial opinion, but it’s good that Hedwig died before he got turned into the Dick Pic Express.
Also, the paintings in Hogwarts Castle are all sentient beings you can hang up in your hall -- or your secret room with no windows. A wizard could cater to every bizarre fetish that popped into their fantastical head, pay some gnome or kobold or manticore to paint it, and have some magic doodles act out every single perversion on God's green earth. The fact that they get any non-smutty wizardry done is an absolute miracle.
For a show about the zombie apocalypse, The Walking Dead is boring as hell. Each season is about 10 percent exciting shootouts and 90 percent sophomoric ruminations on who the real monsters are. (Spoiler: It's always humanity.) But the thing that really baffles us is this: Why's there so little boning in this undead wasteland?
AMCTouche, but we meant the other kind of boning.
When you look at the couples in TWD, they're all monogamous. Which would be fine if this was a bad soap opera about normal everyday life, but this is a bad soap opera in a world wherein a significant proportion of humankind is dead (and/or walking). What they need isn't a way back to the good ol' days of married life and picket fences, but a brave new world of key parties, because the only way to outlive hordes of walkers is with hordes of babies.
Yes, in order to maximize their chances at successfully repopulating the globe, everyone needs to be doing it with everyone. That's the only way they, as we previously noted, can overcome getting stuck in what we're terming "the incest valley." That means that all of the various factions in this world, from Rick's Gang to the Saviors to the Garbage People, need to let go of their weapons and join hands (and whatever else) to reboot the human race.
The Truman Show is a simple concept: Put a real man in a fake town with fake people and broadcast every day, every minute, every moment of his existence. That obviously includes his teenage years.
Paramount PicturesYeah ...
In The Truman Show, the live feed of his life cuts away right as the naughty stuff happens, and the entire audience knows this, along with every little thing that cooks Truman's butter. Upon leaving the dome at the film's end, you know Truman was immediately sent links to the millions of blogs that figured out the exact childhood cartoon characters who ushered in his sexual awakening.
But when Truman gets out, he now must ask himself: "Who did I have sex with my entire life?" After all, every person he ever knew turned out to be a card-carrying SAG/AFTRA member. Whenever he fell in love and/or had sex, it was in a script! It's pretty clear that his "wife" never had any romantic feelings for the guy, so this was nothing but a paid gig to her. That has to be tricky IMDb page to fill in.
Paramount PicturesDid she advertise sex toys and lube mid-act? We have to know.
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