5 Characters You Had No Idea Were In The Marvel Universe

Or, because coming up with monsters can be a pain in the ass, they often just pitted him against classic Marvel characters, such as the Fantastic Four and the Avengers. For instance, here's Thor trying to stop Godzilla from straight-up humping the Empire State Building:

Marvel ComicsThey're cleaning sticky stuff from the 13th floor to this day.

Spider-Man even made an appearance, realizing that he probably should have pitched in to help fight that giant murder-dragon that's been rampaging across town. Hell, J. Jonah Jameson does more than Spidey, leaning out his office window and giving Godzilla a dose of angry old man sass.

Marvel ComicsNothing infuriates Godzilla more than bad grammar.

After 24 issues, Toho asked Marvel for a "large license increase," and rather than pay up, Marvel scrapped the series. They then brought back a new "mutated" dinosaur character who decidedly wasn't Godzilla. After all, he looked slightly different and no one referred to him by name.

Marvel Comics"Look out! It's, uh … Satanzilla?"

Since Conan's stories are set in a fictional ancient time, having him cross paths with classic Marvel characters proved difficult ... but not impossible. Thanks to Marvel's wacky What If series, writers could throw continuity to the wind and have Conan cross paths with, say, Thor. So basically himself, only blonde and with more clothes.

Marvel ComicsThey then team up to find whoever stole Conan's nipples.

In one What If comic, Wolverine travels back in time to the Hyborian Age and slices Conan's hand off. Surprisingly, the issue was not called "What if Wolverine Cut Conan's Friggin' Hand Off, Holy Crap?!"

Marvel Comics"Oh god, I'm so sorry! I do that all the time in the regular comics and it only leaves scratch marks!"

Bizarrely, Wolverine then stays in the past, hooks up with Red Sonja, and becomes a king, presumably because it was time for whoever wrote this to have dinner.

Marvel ComicsHe then becomes obscenely rich thanks to a revolutionary invention called "pants."

Even stranger is an issue called "What If Conan Were Stranded in the 20th Century?" in which Conan is thrown into the future and immediately makes a beeline for the nearest red light district. Things somehow get even goddamn weirder when Conan tries to impress a lady friend by dressing like a pimp ... which isn't as effective a strategy as you might think.

Marvel Comics"Who's Conan? Name's C-Money, baby."

Naturally, all of this leads to Conan stabbing Captain America.

Marvel Comics"Argh! If only I had something to shield myself with!"

While Marvel lost the rights to the character in 2000, it was recently announced that Conan will be coming back to the publisher, thus paving the way for Spider-Man to hang out with a hulking bodybuilder dressed like Huggy Bear.

The following issues weren't any less wacky, such as the one featuring a planet populated by crossbow-wielding garden gnomes:

Marvel Comics"Captain, I do believe the acid we took has kicked in."

Or this issue, which as far as we can tell is about the ghost of Spock convincing McCoy to shoot a woman wearing an evening gown in the back (with a cover by Frank Miller!):

Marvel Comics"What do you mean she's not a prostitute? Can I pretend she's one while I draw her dying?"

Marvel eventually lost the rights to Star Trek, but reacquired them in 1996. Their first move? Have the Enterprise crew improbably meet the X-Men.

brawling with Dracula." width="230" height="350" class="lazy" data-src="https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/0/1/4/666014_v2.jpg" />Marvel ComicsThough at the very least, they could compare notes on brawling with Dracula.

This wasn't a one-off joke issue; it was the big debut of the new Star Trek line. Marvel actually doubled down on this insane premise, releasing not just a comic but a full-length novel about the X-Men meeting the Next Generation crew, which even highlighted the similarities between Captain Picard and Prof. Xavier two years before Patrick Stewart would play both parts.

Pocket BooksFrench? Things are turning dangerously slash fiction-y ...

Of course, all of these pale in comparison to the best Star Trek series of all time: a webcomic about the abject crappiness of Chief O'Brien's life.

The first issue takes place inside a school (ironic, given the flagrant misspelling in the title), which is promptly taken over by gun-wielding ninjas. The class of hostages includes Chuck Norris' young "ward," whose name is "Too Much" -- because that's a thing he often says, and apparently Chuck Norris can't be bothered to learn people's real names.

Chuck Norris eventually shows up looking like a Ken doll going through a midlife crisis. The terrorized children, and even the goddamn ninjas, are completely star-struck.

Marvel ComicsNo, we're pretty sure that's Hall from Hall & Oates with a mustache.

Despite being evil terrorists, the ninjas won't shoot Norris, seemingly because they've read his future memes.

Marvel Comics"Also, aren't we supposed to be ninjas?"

Naturally, Chuck soon kicks ass ...

Marvel Comics

... and even uses power of learning to win the day, by literally kicking a book at the gunman.

Marvel ComicsReally? No "Read THIS" or "School's OUT" or whatever?

Of course, that isn't the most effective tactic, since the gun goes off, though thankfully it only hits the book and not, say, one of the many nearby children. Still, Chuck's "only regret" is that the book was damaged. At this point, Too Much, the little scamp, reveals he hadn't read it, prompting laughter from the class.

Marvel ComicsKeep in mind, there are still ninja corpses littering the classroom.

Anyway, Thanos better hope this dude got snapped.

And because it's Jack Kirby, grotesque tentacle monsters totally show up at one point.

Marvel Comics"This is based on the part of the movie where I dozed off and dreamed about grotesque tentacle monsters."

In the end, the astronaut gets sucked into the black monolith, where, like Dave from the movie, he lives out an entire lifetime before dying and being reborn as a magic space baby.

Marvel ComicsOr some type of Buddhist dwarf.

Kirby did this story over and over again, each with a different protagonist. Why? Because Marvel was worried that if he created any fun original characters for 2001: A Space Odyssey, the movie studio might own the rights. So we get the same story repeated with, say, Vira the She-Demon, who goes from prehistoric figure...

Marvel Comics

... to astronaut, to dead astronaut, to somewhat incredulous Starchild.

Marvel ComicsAccidentally creating the design for Lil' Voldy in the inevitable Harry Potter Babies spinoff.

It's basically the arthouse equivalent of Groundhog Day. Eventually, Kirby was able to break from that mold, telling a story about the future year of 2040 -- in which, get this, grown men are obsessed with superheroes. Our protagonist, Norton, is playing a futuristic role-playing game where he dresses up like a superhero, but he immediately calls it off when he saves the princess and she's not the model he was expecting.

Marvel ComicsEntitled manbabies running fandom? Such far-fetched drivel.

Then he gets sucked into the monolith, which randomly shows up at a beach, presumably with a space towel and space Gillian Flynn novel.

Kirby eventually did create a popular new character in the comic: Mister Machine, a cyborg who ... helps people fix flat tires.

Marvel ComicsMaybe someone should check to see if catching up with this comic is what killed Stanley Kubrick.

While Marvel cancelled 2001, Mister Machine was liked enough to survive, and became part of the Marvel universe, fighting both Hulk and later Iron Man. Though sadly, the Punisher vs. Vira the She-Demon somehow never happened.

You (yes, you) should follow JM on Twitter, or check out the podcast Rewatchability.

Support your favorite Cracked writers with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

For more, check out 6 Comic Book Crossovers You Won't Believe Actually Happened and The 5 Most Insane Celebrity Comic Book Cameos.

Follow us on Facebook. Excelsior!