The Most Dangerous Thing On The Battlefield Is ... Diarrhea
Most war movie characters die in a blaze of glory, gunned down while heroically leading a charge or jumping on an explosive to save their buddies. If historical accuracy was called for, however, then a lot of them would simply shit themselves to death. Not only should there should be dozens and dozens of extras clutching their bellies in pure, dignity-free pain, but a stench cloud the size of a zeppelin should be hovering over the camp at all times. As the rugged hero contemplates his own mortality in his bunk at night, his thoughts should be accompanied by a symphony of tent-flapping farts.
You see, there is no conflict in history during which brave soldiers have not crapped themselves inside out. Twice as many people died of diseases like dysentery and acute diarrhea as from injuries during the Civil War. In fact, it was such a problem that the rules of engagement forbade the shooting of men "while attending to the imperative calls of nature" -- or shrieks of nature, depending on what they'd been eating lately.
Kurz & Allison/Library of CongressThose clouds aren't from explosions.
This wasn't the best situation for the British during World War II, either. Thanks to Hitler's shipping blockade, which prevented vital supplies from getting into the country, their troops had a daily toilet paper ration of three sheets, which (take it from me) is barely enough to shine a single cheek. By way of comparison, 'Murican troops stationed in Britain had a daily ration of 22.5 sheets, which frankly is just gratuitous. All's fair in the love and war, except when it comes to toilet paper, it seems, in which case y'all can suck it.
The Military Euthanized Thousands Of "Expendable" Working Dogs In Vietnam
Not all of the American soldiers who served in Vietnam were human. No, we're not doing an article about the military's secret vampire division ... yet. This about dogs. And if you're a fan of dogs, we have to warn you that this is about to get sadder than Marley & Me meets Saving Private Ryan.
During America's time in Vietnam, soldiers fought alongside 4,000 h*ckin' good doggos, who worked in many capacities -- as trackers, sentries, patrol dogs, tunnel dogs, you name it. This came at a price, however. Not only were their handlers targeted by the enemy for being awesome, but over a thousand dogs died of everything from gunfire to booby traps to disease. So how did the military repay these dogs for their service? Did they get a parade or bone-shaped medals or, you know, the chance to come home?
Rick Claggett /U.S. ArmyIn case it isn’t obvious, that was your cue to gather up all the tissues, toilet paper, and especially soft receipts in your house.