4

A U.S. President Winning An Election Thanks To "Fake News"

There's good reason to believe that during a presidential election, the Republican candidate's camp colluded with a third party to spread vile propaganda and fake news articles about his opponent. We are, of course, referring to the 1800 election between Thomas Jefferson and John Adams.

WikipediaThough to be fair, the Republican candidate was also the Democratic candidate back then.

Unseating a president is never easy, and Jefferson decided he needed a little "push" in his run against Adams. So Jefferson hired James Callender, a pamphleteer and journalist with a reputation for being a "scandalmonger." Over half of all internet comments involve disparaging the size of a man's equipment, and you'll be happy to hear the same was true of presidential politics in 1800. In a 183-page anti-Adams pamphlet (the equivalent of a mid-length Twitter rant), Callender described the president as "a hideous hermaphroditical character which has neither the force and firmness of a man, nor the gentleness and sensibility of a woman." Since Adams' Sedition Act had recently made it illegal to diss the president, that little burn earned Callender nine months in jail.

It worked, though. Jefferson won the 1800 election, even if his victory soon became a lesson in remembering who got you where you are. Callender wanted a job in Jefferson's administration, but ol' TJ was not about to elevate a hack writer that high in society. So Callender turned his trolling back at the new president. On top of sharing letters which proved they'd colluded during the election, Callender spread the rumor that Jefferson slept with his slaves, and fathered children with one named Sally Hemings. You know, that little centuries-long scandal. Jefferson was furious, but hey, at least the ensuing controversy inspired possibly the greatest portrait in history:

James AkinNormally we'd blur out the erect cock, but we'll make an exception.

3

People Sending Total Strangers Anonymous Hate Messages

From the 1840s to the 1940s, both the U.S. and the UK favored "Vinegar Valentines" -- basically Valentine's Day cards for psychopaths. They were the equivalent of today's anonymous troll messages, except they took a lot more effort. For starters, you had to leave the house, buy a Vinegar Valentine at a boutique, and mail it to someone you hate, friends you only sort of hate, or strangers you might hate in the future. This wasn't a minor fad with a few dozen people taking part. In the 1850s they represented 50 percent of all Valentine's card sales in the U.S. Waking up on February 14th, you had a 50/50 shot between a love missive and a light hate crime.

The cards ranged from mild old-timey insults, like saying your wife has you whipped ...

Smithsonian Magazine"Plus she's cheating on you with Chuck / You worthless beta cuck"

... to that most timeless of classics, "You got an ugly face" ...

Smithsonian Magazine“Butterface” is centuries old.

2

Fans Raging Before The Thing Is Even Out

Think critics who condemn a movie based on the trailers are being too harsh? The actors in Alfred Jarry's 1896 play Ubu Roi got ONE WORD in before the crowd erupted into fights. That word was "merdre," which is French for "shit!" but with an extra "R" added. Whether it was the vulgarity or the intentional mispronunciation, that single word threw the crowd into a frenzy that lasted for 15 minutes.

Alfred JarryThe merdre hit the fan.

1

Jerkwad "Intellectuals" Who Are Really Just Trolls

Diogenes the Cynic's philosophy of, uh ... Cynicism, rejected society as regressive, and claimed that enlightenment could only be attained when one was free of social constructs. A fine idea to argue in theory. In practice, it meant Diogenes wandering around Greece, urinating on people who annoyed him, defecating in the theater, and masturbating in public. Today, living a "simple life" means not owning a TV and never shutting up about it, but Diogenes was essentially a crazy homeless guy with a title. He ate and drank whatever he could find lying around, and his "house" was a clay jar outside a temple.

Jean-Leon GeromeThose dogs are like, "Look at Mr. Fancypants over here, with his own jar."

But there was one thing differentiating Cynic from hobo: People listened to Diogenes. According to one tale, Alexander the Great admired him so much that he came down to the ol' jar to ask if the masturbating cynic needed anything. "Yes," Diogenes reportedly replied, "stand out of my sunlight." This burn has been the subject of dozens of paintings and sculptures across the ages.

Wikimedia Commons"C'mon, man, I'm trying to get a tan going here."

Diogenes also trolled his way more famous colleague, Plato. When Plato gave the definition of a human being as a "featherless biped," Diogenes responded by taking a chicken to Plato's school, plucking its feathers, and declaring, "Here's the Platonic human." Thoroughly owned, Plato was forced to change the definition to add "with flat nails." The phrase "... you asshole" was only implied.

Jefferson beat Adams pretty handily, so read How To Fight Presidents to figure out how to knock our the rest of 'em.

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For more, check out 5 Internet Annoyances That Are Way Older Than The Internet and Why Stupid YouTube Comments Are Older Than The Internet.

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