5 'Internet Problems' That Existed Way Before The Internet

Unseating a president is never easy, and Jefferson decided he needed a little "push" in his run against Adams. So Jefferson hired James Callender, a pamphleteer and journalist with a reputation for being a "scandalmonger." Over half of all internet comments involve disparaging the size of a man's equipment, and you'll be happy to hear the same was true of presidential politics in 1800. In a 183-page anti-Adams pamphlet (the equivalent of a mid-length Twitter rant), Callender described the president as "a hideous hermaphroditical character which has neither the force and firmness of a man, nor the gentleness and sensibility of a woman." Since Adams' Sedition Act had recently made it illegal to diss the president, that little burn earned Callender nine months in jail.

It worked, though. Jefferson won the 1800 election, even if his victory soon became a lesson in remembering who got you where you are. Callender wanted a job in Jefferson's administration, but ol' TJ was not about to elevate a hack writer that high in society. So Callender turned his trolling back at the new president. On top of sharing letters which proved they'd colluded during the election, Callender spread the rumor that Jefferson slept with his slaves, and fathered children with one named Sally Hemings. You know, that little centuries-long scandal. Jefferson was furious, but hey, at least the ensuing controversy inspired possibly the greatest portrait in history:

... to that most timeless of classics, "You got an ugly face" ...

... to this needlessly personal critique of someone's crippling alcoholism and inability to feel true love:

While some of the cards were arguably funny, the consequences weren't. In 1885, a man shot his ex-wife after figuring out a Vinegar Valentine's card was from her, and at least one recipient killed himself (as a whole category of cards suggested he do). Good thing we've moved past this sort of thing, huh?

When the play resumed, audience members shouted and hissed at the actors (and each other) throughout the entire show, culminating in a full-on riot at the end. It got so bad that authorities banned Ubu Roi from the stage, and it was never performed again in Jarry's lifetime (except in puppet theaters). Imagine if everyone got so pissed off at the Justice League premiere that the government outlawed it for several decades. Actually, that sounds kinda nice...

But there was one thing differentiating Cynic from hobo: People listened to Diogenes. According to one tale, Alexander the Great admired him so much that he came down to the ol' jar to ask if the masturbating cynic needed anything. "Yes," Diogenes reportedly replied, "stand out of my sunlight." This burn has been the subject of dozens of paintings and sculptures across the ages.

Diogenes also trolled his way more famous colleague, Plato. When Plato gave the definition of a human being as a "featherless biped," Diogenes responded by taking a chicken to Plato's school, plucking its feathers, and declaring, "Here's the Platonic human." Thoroughly owned, Plato was forced to change the definition to add "with flat nails." The phrase "... you asshole" was only implied.

Jefferson beat Adams pretty handily, so read How To Fight Presidents to figure out how to knock our the rest of 'em.

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For more, check out 5 Internet Annoyances That Are Way Older Than The Internet and Why Stupid YouTube Comments Are Older Than The Internet.

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