There's a lot of important news out there that definitely deserves your attention. This isn't it. These are the weirdest, what-the-fuckiest headlines that somehow got buried in the sea of rational stories, this week. You're welcome.

HAVE YOU EVER LUIGI'S PONDERED THE D!CK? SIZE OF Neither have we. But ... Artwork for the upcoming game Mario Tennis Aces had some fans fixated on Lui

Sources: BBC

THE LAPD SEIZED $700,00 PULD WORTH OF DOOP-LADEN COSMETICS. The Los Angeles Police Department confiscated an awful bunch of sh!tty knockoff cosmetics

Sources: CNN

Like many people, Kelly Rowlette submitted a DNA sample to Ancestry.com. AND SHE FOUND OUT HER BIOLOGICAL FATHER WAS HER PARENTS' FERTILITY DOCTOR. Ms

A WOMAN SAYS SHE WAS INJURED BY A DRAG QUEEN'S BREAST. AND SHE WANTS $1.5 MILLION. Neldin Molina is suing Hamburger Mary's, a chain known for its drag

Sources: ABC News

A UK MOTHER NAMED CHERI PRICE REVEALED THAT HER DAUGHTER HAILIE, WHO WAS BORN IN IFEBRUARY OF 2017, WAS SO PREMATURE THAT HER SKIN WAS TRANSLUCENT ENO

A 60-YEAR-OLD WOMAN NAMED KAREN COOPER MARRIED A 130-YEAR-OLD FICUS TREE IN FORT MYERS, FLORIDA, IN AN EFFORT TO BRING ATTENTION TO, AND PROTEST, TH

Sources: People

Luigi Gets A Bulge (And Other News That’s Weird AF)

Sources: ABC News

Luigi Gets A Bulge (And Other News That’s Weird AF)

ORANGE SNOW HAS COUERED PARTS OF EASTERN EUROPE. Meteorologists believe dust from a sandstorm in the Sahara desert drifted over to the region, creatin

Sources: The Guardian

THIS SUMMER, SONIC WILL DEBUT PICKLE JUICE Americe's Drive-n. SLUSHES. Drive-thru NOURSI PICKLE. SONIC JUICE. SLUSHES. CRACKED.COM

Sources: People

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN? Warwickshire POLICE No, it isn't your cousin Billy playing on Snapchat. (Well, we hope it's not.) Police in Warwickshire, Engl

Sources: Warwickshire Police

Hey, pickles are still great. Pick up some pickling spices and tickle your visitors pink!

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