5 Movie Plans You Never Realized Were Actually Insane

This is 1918, and Germany is about to sign an armistice to end the war. Ludendorff and his small faction of cronies are the only ones preparing this secret attack. He does have to be stopped, but if Wonder Woman kills him in public, everyone at the party would assume that Allied assassins murdered a high-ranking German during a peaceful event, at which point an outraged and distrusting German government would refuse to make peace, and millions more would die as the war raged on. So look forward to Wonder Woman 2, wherein Diana learns her lesson and has the CIA train her in covert political assassination.

But if shovel guy hadn't saved the day, what the hell would've happened? These guys are reasonably professional burglars, but in a fit of anger, they had no qualms about graduating to child mutilation. Who even thinks of something that sadistic, let alone goes for it in the spur of the moment? And Marv's fine with it?

One of two things would've happened here. Either Harry would've violently bitten off Kevin's fingers as he screamed in agony, and the Wet Bandits would forever be known as sadistic child-torturers who, when caught, would get a tabloid trial and a long and miserable time in prison. Or at best, Harry puts Kevin's finger in his mouth, pretends to bite it, then says, "OK, I'm not really doing it. But imagine if I had. Scary huh?" Then Harry and Marv leave, with that awkward moment lingering between them forever, plus Kevin still tells the cops that Harry tried to bite his finger off, so they're getting re-branded by the media as the Wet Child Eaters anyway. Just refrain from eating fingers, burglars. Trust us, no good comes from it.

This results in a goofy sight gag in which Batman unloads a barrage of bullets and rockets but misses every single shot, to which the Joker responds by downing the Batwing with a single round from his massively oversized novelty gun.

But what would have happened if Batman's plan had worked? Was he going to rip the Joker to shreds with enough firepower to launch a war? We get that the Joker had to be stopped, but imagine that ending. Just an annihilated husk of Joker lying in the street, blood and guts pouring out of a body so mangled by military-grade weaponry that it's barely recognizable. People would be finding bits of him in the gutters for months. It's not exactly a picture Gotham's newspapers could put under next day's "BATMAN SAVES CITY" headlines.

People ripped on Batman v. Superman: Dawn Of Ennui for being unfaithful to Batman's nonlethal code of conduct, but the 1989 iteration -- which is played as half-comedy -- nearly concludes with Batman deciding "Screw it, I'm going to cut this clown down with heavy artillery." But then, why even do all the bat stuff? Simply blow the Joker's brains out with a sniper rifle and call it a night.

There are dozens of sinister European henchmen in on his plot, and every one of them spends the movie thinking, "Ah, the end of life as we know it will probably be pretty swell for good old Gelsenkirchen." Hell, one step of their plan involves bribing a corrupt Russian general into attacking the U.S. Navy. How much does that guy expect money to be worth after the apocalypse? Why can no one in this movie understand the implications of a nuclear armageddon?

Out of the handful of employees at the park, Nedry is the only one who knows the system well enough to shut it down and reboot it. He's also been publicly feuding with his boss about his salary, and everyone knows that he's in financial trouble. Add in all the circumstantial evidence, like his lengthy disappearance (his brilliant cover story is that he's leaving to get a soda, which would only hold up if the soda machine was on the other side of the damn island), plus the physical evidence, like the footprints and tire tracks he'd be leaving in the mud, and it wouldn't exactly be the crime of the century.

If he really needed more money, why not threaten to quit? Instead, he agrees to a terrible plan that would see him thrown in jail and/or sued into oblivion by a billionaire and his army of lawyers almost immediately. The screenwriters knew damn well that no one would be thinking through the logic of his plan while a tyrannosaurus was rampaging around.

Mike Bedard is a comedy writer in Los Angeles. Hit him up on Twitter if you ever want to talk more about superhero movies.

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For more, check out 5 Movie Plans That You Didn't Notice Rely Entirely On Luck and 23 Movie Master Plans That Make Zero Sense.

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