4

In Home Alone, Was Harry Really Going To Bite Off Kevin's Fingers?

At the end of Home Alone, Harry and Marv finally catch Kevin and hang him on the back of a door. Harry declares, "I'm gonna bite off every one of these little fingers," which sounds like a threat to scare Kevin into silence until he proceeds to start doing it. He puts a finger in his mouth, but before he can chomp down, Kevin's neighbor shows up and whacks him on the back of the head with a shovel.

20th Century Fox"Wait, this is wrong ... Where's the hot sauce?"

But if shovel guy hadn't saved the day, what the hell would've happened? These guys are reasonably professional burglars, but in a fit of anger, they had no qualms about graduating to child mutilation. Who even thinks of something that sadistic, let alone goes for it in the spur of the moment? And Marv's fine with it?

One of two things would've happened here. Either Harry would've violently bitten off Kevin's fingers as he screamed in agony, and the Wet Bandits would forever be known as sadistic child-torturers who, when caught, would get a tabloid trial and a long and miserable time in prison. Or at best, Harry puts Kevin's finger in his mouth, pretends to bite it, then says, "OK, I'm not really doing it. But imagine if I had. Scary huh?" Then Harry and Marv leave, with that awkward moment lingering between them forever, plus Kevin still tells the cops that Harry tried to bite his finger off, so they're getting re-branded by the media as the Wet Child Eaters anyway. Just refrain from eating fingers, burglars. Trust us, no good comes from it.

3

In The First Batman, Batman Was Going To Gun Down The Joker

Tim Burton's 1989 Batman is more cartoony than the gritty Nolan trilogy, but it still features the Joker murdering random people with poisonous cosmetic products. There's a fair amount of dark violence, and it almost has the craziest climax in superhero movie history. The Joker holds a big parade to throw money at the greedy citizens of Gotham, only to spray them with insanity gas from his floats. Then Batman arrives in his Batwing, blows up the floats, takes aim at the Joker, and empties his giant machine guns.

Warner Bros. Pictures"This targeting system cost $3.7 million."

2

In The Sum Of All Fears, The Nazis Think They're Nuke-Proof

In The Sum of All Fears, Israel loses a nuclear weapon in 1973, and apparently doesn't bother to look for it or give anyone a heads up. Nearly 30 years later, it ends up in the hands of a billionaire Austrian neo-Nazi named Dressler, who has his cronies smuggle it into the Super Bowl disguised as a cigarette vending machine, presumably after deciding that a payphone would be too conspicuous. The bomb detonates and annihilates Baltimore, a city that will never be portrayed well in fiction.

Paramount Pictures

Paramount Pictures"All of our fears! They've been summed! DAMN YOU, MATH!"

1

In Jurassic Park, How Did Nedry Plan On Getting Away With His Industrial Espionage?

Jurassic Park needed a good excuse for the dinosaurs to escape and run rampant, because as the first movie in the franchise, it cared enough to provide an explanation beyond "We dunno, a magic dinosaur and idiot humans?" Enter Nedry, the computer programmer who dresses like a midlife crisis. He thinks he's underpaid by InGen, so he agrees to steal some dinosaur embryos and give them to a competitor in exchange for a cool $1.5 million. The only catch is that he has a limited window of time in which to get the embryos to a waiting boat, and he has to shut down the park's security system to gain access to them. Since this is a movie, he, of course, makes his move during a massive storm while Hammond's grandkids are touring the park, and of course, he gets his comeuppance in the form of a vicious dinosaur to the face. But let's say he pulled off his theft without issue ... what the hell did he think would happen next?

Universal Pictures"I was going to be the one spraying sticky body fluids at people on a tropical island!"

Out of the handful of employees at the park, Nedry is the only one who knows the system well enough to shut it down and reboot it. He's also been publicly feuding with his boss about his salary, and everyone knows that he's in financial trouble. Add in all the circumstantial evidence, like his lengthy disappearance (his brilliant cover story is that he's leaving to get a soda, which would only hold up if the soda machine was on the other side of the damn island), plus the physical evidence, like the footprints and tire tracks he'd be leaving in the mud, and it wouldn't exactly be the crime of the century.

If he really needed more money, why not threaten to quit? Instead, he agrees to a terrible plan that would see him thrown in jail and/or sued into oblivion by a billionaire and his army of lawyers almost immediately. The screenwriters knew damn well that no one would be thinking through the logic of his plan while a tyrannosaurus was rampaging around.

Mike Bedard is a comedy writer in Los Angeles. Hit him up on Twitter if you ever want to talk more about superhero movies.

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