5 Movie Plans You Never Realized Were Actually Insane

5

Wonder Woman Killing Ludendorff Would Have Led To More Slaughter

Wonder Woman, the World War I movie that DC clearly wanted to set in World War II but couldn't because Marvel beat them to it, features a German scheme to rain poison gas on London. The plot is led by the rogue General Ludendorff, so Wonder "Diana" Woman and Steve Trevor infiltrate a party to learn where the gas is and destroy it. But Diana has an ulterior motive -- she also wants to kill Ludendorff, because she thinks he's secretly the evil god Ares. You may remember her walking into the party, wearing a dress with her sword in the back being held up by, uh ... Amazonian magic?

Warner Bros. PicturesVictoria's Secret Scabbard Collection

It's easy to forget this, given all that unfolds afterward, but her intention is to straight-up murder Ludendorff. And not, like, lure him to a quiet stairwell and make it look like he fell down and broke his neck; she's about to annihilate him in the middle of a crowded ballroom. If Steve hadn't noticed and intervened with a reminder that they had to find the gas first, she would have lopped his head off. But then what would have happened?

This is 1918, and Germany is about to sign an armistice to end the war. Ludendorff and his small faction of cronies are the only ones preparing this secret attack. He does have to be stopped, but if Wonder Woman kills him in public, everyone at the party would assume that Allied assassins murdered a high-ranking German during a peaceful event, at which point an outraged and distrusting German government would refuse to make peace, and millions more would die as the war raged on. So look forward to Wonder Woman 2, wherein Diana learns her lesson and has the CIA train her in covert political assassination.

from the comics ..." width="300" height="449" class="lazy" data-src="https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/9/1/0/654910_v2.jpg" />DC ComicsWhich actually wouldn't be too far off from the comics ...

4

In Home Alone, Was Harry Really Going To Bite Off Kevin's Fingers?

At the end of Home Alone, Harry and Marv finally catch Kevin and hang him on the back of a door. Harry declares, "I'm gonna bite off every one of these little fingers," which sounds like a threat to scare Kevin into silence until he proceeds to start doing it. He puts a finger in his mouth, but before he can chomp down, Kevin's neighbor shows up and whacks him on the back of the head with a shovel.

20th Century Fox"Wait, this is wrong ... Where's the hot sauce?"

3

In The First Batman, Batman Was Going To Gun Down The Joker

Tim Burton's 1989 Batman is more cartoony than the gritty Nolan trilogy, but it still features the Joker murdering random people with poisonous cosmetic products. There's a fair amount of dark violence, and it almost has the craziest climax in superhero movie history. The Joker holds a big parade to throw money at the greedy citizens of Gotham, only to spray them with insanity gas from his floats. Then Batman arrives in his Batwing, blows up the floats, takes aim at the Joker, and empties his giant machine guns.

Warner Bros. Pictures"This targeting system cost $3.7 million."

2

In The Sum Of All Fears, The Nazis Think They're Nuke-Proof

In The Sum of All Fears, Israel loses a nuclear weapon in 1973, and apparently doesn't bother to look for it or give anyone a heads up. Nearly 30 years later, it ends up in the hands of a billionaire Austrian neo-Nazi named Dressler, who has his cronies smuggle it into the Super Bowl disguised as a cigarette vending machine, presumably after deciding that a payphone would be too conspicuous. The bomb detonates and annihilates Baltimore, a city that will never be portrayed well in fiction.

Paramount Pictures

Paramount Pictures"All of our fears! They've been summed! DAMN YOU, MATH!"

Dressler's plan is for America to blame the attack on Russia, starting a nuclear war that would annihilate both superpowers and leave him in charge of a world-dominating pan-European fascist state. But there's one tiny flaw in his plan: What the hell does this guy think that global nuclear war is going to do to Europe? Make the weather a little inconvenient? Even without getting into the massive environmental devastation, there are NATO member nuclear sites and American military bases throughout Europe that would absolutely be targeted by Russia in a nuclear war. European survivors aren't going to welcome Dressler to lead them as Hitler 2.0; they're going to BBQ him and hope his fat ass lasts until they figure out how to make plants grow again.

1

In Jurassic Park, How Did Nedry Plan On Getting Away With His Industrial Espionage?

Jurassic Park needed a good excuse for the dinosaurs to escape and run rampant, because as the first movie in the franchise, it cared enough to provide an explanation beyond "We dunno, a magic dinosaur and idiot humans?" Enter Nedry, the computer programmer who dresses like a midlife crisis. He thinks he's underpaid by InGen, so he agrees to steal some dinosaur embryos and give them to a competitor in exchange for a cool $1.5 million. The only catch is that he has a limited window of time in which to get the embryos to a waiting boat, and he has to shut down the park's security system to gain access to them. Since this is a movie, he, of course, makes his move during a massive storm while Hammond's grandkids are touring the park, and of course, he gets his comeuppance in the form of a vicious dinosaur to the face. But let's say he pulled off his theft without issue ... what the hell did he think would happen next?

Universal Pictures"I was going to be the one spraying sticky body fluids at people on a tropical island!"