And those portals Strange conjures like he's using some kind of black magic Uber? A glowing hula hoop they probably stole from the Flaming Lips.

Marvel StudiosWe got a contact high just looking at this picture.

And Strange's trippy jaunt through the psychedelic astral plane? That looked pretty dumb in reality, too ... not to mention uncomfortable.

Marvel Studios

Marvel StudiosThis explains the puke all over his face in the following scene.

They hung Benedict Cumberbatch from the ceiling and spun him around like he was careening through space and time -- either because they couldn't CG his likeness for these scenes, or the crew was annoyed at how shitty Sherlock's gotten.

As you might have guessed, working with tigers is expensive and dangerous, which is why a gritty reboot of Calvin And Hobbes has yet to come to fruition. So instead of wrangling a majestic animal, they threw a blue bodysuit on some guy and had him hop on a children's trampoline.

AMC StudiosFinally, after seven years, the guy who hung around on set making cat noises in a blue suit came in handy.

In a familiar sight for anyone who's ever heckled the Blue Man Group, the guy tackles the henchman, and then lays on top of him for an awkwardly long time:

AMC Studios

AMC Studios"Don't worry, I'm a licensed analra-"
"Don't say it."

Yeah, there's a reason William Blake never wrote "Guy in blue tights, guy in blue tights burning bright."

Instead of a hellish Georgia O'Keefe painting, on set, the monster's mouth was nothing but some poor fellow's sheepish expression.

Netflix

NetflixHe looks like he's choking on Deadpool's head.

At least the guy in the Xenomorph suit didn't have a peephole to constantly display his embarrassment.

Without The CGI, Though ...

Jim Caviezel wasn't really whipped on set, except for those two times he accidentally was. But for the most part, they merely had actors whip handles, and everyone just pretended.

Newmarket FilmsThey played Beyonce to get Caviezel to shake like that.

Instead of simply introducing a subplot about how the Romans had perfected invisible whip technology, the visual effects artists had to go back and painstakingly add the whip in (though you have to imagine no one working on this movie actually used the term "painstaking"). To do this, they had to film a separate actor with a real whip -- meaning that the true tormentor of the Messiah was this random fellow in jorts.

Newmarket Films"Behold, the one the prophets spoke of: Gary the tormentor."

Then they used computer magic to superimpose this guy over the image of Jesus being beaten half to death:

Newmarket Films"What would I do with a time machine? Uhh, kill Hitler. Yeah, totally."

Thankfully, computers also erased him, so Jesus wasn't beaten by what looks like a guy who was dragged to a Pilates class by his wife.

Kong was played by motion-capture guru Andy Serkis. So naturally, he showed up on set dressed like the California Raisins' haggard roadie.

Universal PicturesNo one asked him to. He just did.

Then Serkis goes up a crane and starts awkwardly headbanging like a preteen who's discovered that Iron Maiden isn't a Meryl Streep movie.

Universal Pictures"OK, this is definitely the last time I do something like this." -- Andy Serkis 13 years ago

Helming all of this chaos is Jackson himself, who directs using the tried and true method of acting out the scene himself with a Barbie doll.

Universal PicturesFrodo's journey to Mount Doom was presumably first acted out with two troll dolls and an Easy-Bake Oven.

Even for the end scenes, wherein Bacon's character is a grotesque Body-Worlds-like monster, instead of slathering some poor P.A. in toxic green paint, Bacon played the part himself -- and to be fair, the scene is still extremely creepy.

Columbia PicturesMartians don't take rejection very well.

Especially disturbing are the scenes in which Bacon forcibly makes out with Elizabeth Shue's character. Which would be disturbing in any context, sure, but check this out:

Columbia PicturesIt's probably the closest we'll get to seeing Kevin Bacon star in a Ninja Turtles porn parody, so enjoy.

Without The CGI, Though ...

Thor's badass moves were apparently accomplished by sticking Chris Hemsworth on a Slip 'N Slide with a pair of imaginary swords.

Marvel StudiosThat or he's checking whether his deodorant is working.

Instead of busting out the body paint and force-feeding Mark Ruffalo a shit-ton of Creatine, they of course opted to use a totally CG Hulk. To help on set, though, they threw a Hulk head on a tripod, as if someone exposed a camera to gamma radiation, then pissed it off.

Marvel StudiosHulk has been skipping everything but shoulders day.

And ... who even knows what the hell is happening here.

Marvel StudiosWait, is that Kevin Bacon up there?

Sure, a lot of these special effects we've looked at involve actors in colored tights, but the fact that the tights are underneath tattered clothes and skull faces is just plain silly.

HBOAbove: when your mom insists you put on a sweater under your goth clothes.

Watch how differently this wight attack plays out when Jon Snow and his buddies are battling a thrifty cosplayer:

HBO

HBO

HBO

HBOLess "epic fantasy battle," more "St. Patrick's Day party at Castle Grayskull."

You (yes, you) should follow JM on Twitter, or check out the podcast Rewatchability.

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