The 5 Types Of Movies You're About To Get Sick Of

5

There Are Three Manson Family Movies Coming Out

Murder-cult leader and forehead-carving enthusiast Charles Manson died in 2017, leaving the world with one fewer terrifying psycho and many, many more cinematic perspectives about that terrifying psycho on the way.

Quentin Tarantino has already set his Manson movie (starring Leonardo DiCaprio, if he can grow facial hair) to be released on the exact date of the 50th anniversary of the Tate murders. As a reminder, we're talking about the time eight-month-pregnant actress Sharon Tate and four of her friends were brutally murdered by Manson's followers. Sony also granted Tarantino "extraordinary creative controls," so we may soon witness the first movie in which the N-word is shouted seven times during the production company logos.

Dimension FilmsOr a Manson film seen entirely from the POV of Sharon Tate's feet.

But that's not all! Matt Smith, the Eleventh Doctor turned Duke on The Crown, will play the titular Charlie in the forthcoming Charlie Says, the story of the three women who were sentenced to life imprisonment after carrying out Manson's horrifying instructions. On the lighter side of quintuple homicide, Hilary Duff will portray Tate herself in The Haunting Of Sharon Tate, an imagined psychological thriller wherein Tate magically foresees visions of her own murder. (Tate's sister is not a fan.)

Do we really need any new Manson biopics, though? Bob Odenkirk already perfected the role on The Ben Stiller Show 25 years ago.

4

Thanks To Transformers, Every Object Hasbro Ever Owned Is Getting Movied

If Hollywood learned any lessons from the unforgettable hit films Battleship and Ouija, it's that basing entire feature films on decades-old narrative-less toys that kids today barely have any attachment to always works.

3

Get Ready For An Insane Number Of Biopics About Children's Book Authors

Authors like Dr. Seuss, Roald Dahl, and Shel Silverstein have shaped millions of childhoods with their fantastical, captivating stories of unparalleled imagination that transcend age or era. These stories are so inspiring and timeless that Hollywood is about to unleash an avalanche of movies about them ... being written.

We're getting a Roald Dahl biopic starring Hugh Bonneville from Downton Abbey, a Dr. Seuss biopic from the director of The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, and a Shel Silverstein biopic starring and directed by none other than James Franco. (Presumably, Seth Rogen will play the tree that inspired The Giving Tree, who is a stoner.) There's also movie about the secret life of Astrid Lindgren, the Swedish author of Pippi Longstocking, even though there hasn't been an actual Pippi Longstocking movie in 30 years. There's even a J.K. Rowling biopic potentially on the way -- the script was featured on the Black List of best unproduced scripts in 2017 -- even though she's 52 and still very much alive and retroactively altering her characters' sexual histories.

Warner Bros. PicturesThe Hat could sort through any thing ... except his confusing feelings for Hagrid.

2

There Are Three '90s Kids Horror Franchises In The Works

Despite all odds and common sense, the 2015 Goosebumps movie starring Jack Black was generally positively reviewed and earned around $80 million at the box office. And we all know how movie studios respond when a generally fondly remembered property spawns a decent film that performs adequately at the box office: GREEN-LIGHT FOUR MORE R.L. STINE MOVIES, STAT! WE NEED ONE READY TO GO BY THE TIME I FINISH CHOMPING THIS COMICALLY HUGE "STUDIO PRODUCER" CIGAR AND SHOUTING "INSTRUCTIONS!" NOW.

A second 'Bumps film, Goosebumps: Horrorland, is already underway, and Stine's other kids' horror series, Fear Street, is potentially being made into three movies. There are about 200 Goosebumps books in total, and another 150 Fear Streets, so even if they churn out five movies a year, there's enough source material for seven decades' worth of PG thrillers ... after which point Stine's great-grandchildren will have written another 1,000 books about urban legend blobs that devour middle-school cafeterias, and the cycle will begin anew.

Scholastic PublishingThey've found it. A cinematic perpetual motion machine. The Stinerverse.

1

Goddammit, There's Going To Be A Joker Cinematic Universe

We all knew Heath Ledger's landmark portrayal of the Joker in The Dark Knight wasn't going to go undiluted forever. 2016's Suicide Squad featured a much-maligned reimagining of the iconic villain as the brother Ronald McDonald doesn't like to talk about but occasionally sends money.

Warner Bros. Pictures"Just don't spend it on tattoos. Please."