But the movie is only getting warmed up. When Nightwing tracks Harley down, he gets knocked out and winds up tied to her bed. Of course she then casually starts undressing in front of him -- at which point you have to wonder whether someone accidentally sent the animators a 13-year-old's fanfiction instead of a script.

Warner Bros. Animation

Warner Bros. AnimationOK, she's got four cheeks and two cracks. Will someone please show these animators an actual ass?

Then Nightwing gets a boner. In a goddamn Batman movie.

Warner Bros. Animation

Warner Bros. AnimationNightwing and Nightwang.

So Harley turns out the light, climbs on top of him, and they have not entirely consensual sex:

Warner Bros. Animation

Warner Bros. AnimationYou know you messed up when there's Rule 34 done with more taste.

And because Batman And Harley Quinn hates you, your rosy memories of Batman: The Animated Series, and the medium of film in general, there's a prolonged sequence in the Batmobile wherein Harley insists Batman pull over so she can take a s**t.

Warner Bros. Animation

When Batman refuses, she starts farting.

Warner Bros. Animation

Warner Bros. Animation

Warner Bros. Animation"Hand me down the Fart-Repellent Bat Spray, old chum."

Then, as a last middle finger to everything the Batman ethos stands for, the movie ends with Batman deciding to burn a villain to death, and then kissing Harley.

Warner Bros. Animation

Warner Bros. AnimationYou may want to keep open flames away from Harley's multiple gassy asses, to be safe.

We didn't think it was possible, but Batman and Harley Quinn makes the DC universe where Oscar winner Holly Hunter handles a jar of piss and Batman cattle-brands sex criminals seem downright classy by comparison.

It's smurfing hard to explain the plot, as most of it is nothing but a bunch of actors wearing Smurf costumes made by their moms, traipsing through what looks like a public park and singing terrible songs.

via YouTube

via YouTube"This next one's called 'I Regret My Theater Degree.'"

And there are so many smurfing songs in this movie, with a surprisingly large number of them revolving around shoving other Smurfs.

via YouTube"The smurf you say to me, mothersmurfer?"

Something finally happens when one Smurf gets into a heated argument with Papa Smurf, perhaps over his anger that the gods have turned them all into monstrosities. When this Smurf leaves, he encounters the evil Gargamel, who looks like he wandered in from a Swedish existentialist drama, and he seemingly just wants get drunk with the Smurfs.

via YouTubeOr at least as drunk as the screenwriter.

But the movie is called Smurfs On The Moon, so eventually, they go to the moon. Strangely, shots of the moon look a lot like the exact same park the Smurfs were in before, only overexposed. This moon trip is also super creepy, which might be because some editing genius decided to play the Shining soundtrack over a bunch of monstrous blue creatures aimlessly wandering a wasteland.

via YouTube

via YouTube

via YouTubeMad Max: Furry Road

In case all of this hasn't traumatized your kids yet, in the end, the Smurfs all peel their faces off.

via YouTubeAgain, not a porn parody.

See? They were regular people wearing morose ritualistic masks of comic book homunculi. Nothing to get forever nightmares over at all!

The plot of Woody Woodpecker (or Pica-Pau O Filme) finds a big-city lawyer clear-cutting a patch of woods to build his family's dream house. And in the family film genre, if you're a lawyer who cuts down trees, you may as well be the goddamn devil.

Universal Pictures

Universal Pictures"Hey, make sure you're doing it in a pentagram pattern."

Unfortunately for this family (and anyone in the audience who suffers from migraines), this forest happens to be the home of Woody Woodpecker, the famous cartoon bird whose name sounds like an antique dildo. However, the filmmakers didn't get the memo about not using cartoon violence in live-action movies, so when his home gets invaded, the whimsical little fellow responds by trying to murder actual human beings. Like this harmless construction worker, who gets zapped harder than an Alabama death row inmate:

Universal Pictures

Universal Pictures"Muh Muh Muh mur-der, Muh Muh Muh mur-der, huh huh huh ha huh huh huh huh huh huh!"

In true rampage fashion, not even wives and children are safe from Woody's murderous wrath. When the lawyer's family visits their new land, the bird tries to kill them by shoving a cement mixer that looks like Optimus Prime's dick into their car ...

Universal Pictures

Universal Pictures

Universal Pictures

Then, to satisfy his bloodlust, Woody (who, like a demon, doesn't even cast a shadow) uses construction-grade explosives to bomb the family trailer.

Universal PicturesWhich is a perfect visual for how it did in the U.S.

Despite being made by Universal and featuring an icon from the golden age of animation, the studio rightly decided to throwWoody Woodpecker into the DVD market stateside. But they did properly release the film in Brazil, which has an inexplicable love for Woody. There, the movie shot up to number one at the box office.

The Kiss amusement park (which in real life is a minigolf course) is being terrorized by a supposed witch who is ruining rides. When the gang catches up with the witch, they end up being transported to another planet via a giant space guitar traveling through a wormhole of cosmic nightmares. Luckily, every member of Kiss knows how to fly, which is what happens if you take a very specific amount of LSD every week, kids.

Hanna-Barbera

Hanna-BarberaThis also doubles as the worst Powerpuff Girls episode ever.

Of course, Scooby-Doo is all about debunking the paranormal, so in the end, it turns out that the "witch" is a in fact disgruntled Kiss employee in a dumb costume. And that trippy adventure to another planet? It was all caused by a hallucinogenic gas. Leave it to Kiss to get the most innocent teenagers on the planet tripping balls.

Hanna-Barbera"This also explains how anyone past 1987 was still interested in listening to their music."

Perhaps anticipating that this twist makes Kiss seem super pathetic, they add in a bit where it's revealed that the band does have super powers. So that wasn't part of the bad trip, but everything else was? Then Paul Stanley makes out with Daphne, which is sadly not followed by a twist of her yanking off her own rubber mask, revealing that she too is Paul Stanley, and this is all taking place inside Paul Stanley's gross personal fantasies.

Hanna-Barbera"Don't worry, we're gonna start selling our own Kiss Valtrex next month."

Let's get something really dumb out of the way first: Despite the fact that basically the only thing we knew about Mario in 1986 was his job as a plumber, this movie recasts him as a chronically depressed grocery store clerk, for no reason whatsoever.

Shochiku

ShochikuThere are not enough magic mushrooms to make this job enjoyable.

Also, Mario is himself obsessed with playing video games, suggesting that at least one draft of this script was written by Charlie Kaufman. One late night, Mario's game magically transforms and a distressed Princess Peach pops out of the TV. Immediately afterward, she gets kidnapped by Bowser, and so we're off to the Mario races.

Eventually, Mario and Luigi magically enter the video game world to rescue the princess. But while the video games always suggested that the Marios were good at adjusting to alien worlds of magic, the movie versions have a hard time coping. As a result, things get surreal fast, like when Mario finds out that Bowser is going to marry the princess and his self-image literally shatters.

Shochiku

Shochiku

Shochiku*play for full effect*

It's at this point that the movie bids a fond farewell to the games and decides it has a much better handle on what Super Mario is about than Nintendo themselves. Take Mario's powers, for example. In addition to superb jumping, Mario suddenly has the surprisingly racist ability to morph into a gun-toting Mexican caricature.

Shochiku

ShochikuAs opposed to being an Italian caricature.

And when the lesser Mario Bro eats mushrooms, instead of getting slightly larger, like you'd expect, Luigi just trips balls and punches Mario right in the face.

Shochiku

Shochiku

Again and again and again.

Shochiku"Why am I always Player 2? Why? WHY?!"

Eventually, the Bros. get a sidekick in the form of a weird dog, because thankfully Toad's agents had gotten him out of having to do a cameo. Of course, after defeating Bowser, it turns out that the dog is actually a slightly puppet-looking prince ...

Shochiku

... who's engaged to Princess Peach, who then apologizes to Mario for breaking his heart.

Shochiku"Your ... your real princess is in another castle. Someday, I hope you find her."

To the movie's credit, it's going to take everyone else another two decades to accept that yeah, Princess Peach is using Mario to constantly get her out of awkward relationship situations -- Bowser or otherwise. Speaking of Bowser, in a Marvel-like post-credit stinger, it's revealed that the King of Koopas is now working at the same grocery store, because even for a murder-crazed turtle monster, there's no worse punishment than the living hell of customer service.

Shochiku"I'm sorry, but we only accept gold coins."

You (yes, you) should follow JM on Twitter, or check out the podcast Rewatchability.

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