5 Insane Movies Starring Your Favorite Cartoons
Classic cartoon characters are loved by both the young and old. They're almost like family pets, except better, because they never die and magically have access to dynamite at all times. But because these pop culture Methuselahs have been around since the dawn of entertainment, their IMDb pages are longer than a wolf's eyes after seeing a pretty lady on stage. Sadly, not all Toons are able to land lucrative gigs hocking sneakers with NBA greats, so a lot of them have to take work where they can get it. And even the most iconic characters have shown up in some weird-ass movies. Such as ...
There's A Sex- And Fart-Filled Batman Cartoon
With the current big-screen incarnation of Batman more interested in murdering other superheroes than, say, solving mysteries, it's natural that some of us have fled back to to the awesome, noir-y version of the Caped Crusader from the DC Animated Universe. For over a decade, multiple people behind shows such as the beloved Batman: The Animated Series have produced a string of direct-to-DVD DC animated films. But even this hallmark of Bat-quality took a major blow this past year, when it cashed in on the popularity of supervillain and CEO of Hot Topic Harley Quinn.
Inexplicably, Batman And Harley Quinn is an over-sexualized mess that relies on cheap frat boy humor. The movie opens with Harley Quinn working in essentially a superhero-themed Hooters, where waitresses are dressed in skimpy versions of superheroine costumes (or skimpier, at least). We get not one but two close-ups of her ass:
But the movie is only getting warmed up. When Nightwing tracks Harley down, he gets knocked out and winds up tied to her bed. Of course she then casually starts undressing in front of him -- at which point you have to wonder whether someone accidentally sent the animators a 13-year-old's fanfiction instead of a script.
Then Nightwing gets a boner. In a goddamn Batman movie.
So Harley turns out the light, climbs on top of him, and they have not entirely consensual sex:
And because Batman And Harley Quinn hates you, your rosy memories of Batman: The Animated Series, and the medium of film in general, there's a prolonged sequence in the Batmobile wherein Harley insists Batman pull over so she can take a dump.
When Batman refuses, she starts farting.
Then, as a last middle finger to everything the Batman ethos stands for, the movie ends with Batman deciding to burn a villain to death, and then kissing Harley.
We didn't think it was possible, but Batman and Harley Quinn makes the DC universe where Oscar winner Holly Hunter handles a jar of piss and Batman cattle-brands sex criminals seem downright classy by comparison.
Behold The Horror Of A Greek Live-Action Smurfs Movie From The '80s
We're not really sure how to introduce this next movie, other than by asking: Have you ever wondered what would happen if Soviet minimalist filmmaker Andrei Tarkovsky had made a low-budget children's movie funded by the CIA in order to test the potency of their LSD? If so, you might be interested what a plucky band of Greek psychopaths did when trying to make a live-action Smurfs movie.
Smurfs On The Moon bizarrely opens with the cast and crew getting ready to shoot the movie. We don't want to be backseat filmmakers, but there's a reason the opening scene of a Pixar movie is never a bunch of animators booting up computers and opening a bag of Cheetos.
It's smurfing hard to explain the plot, as most of it is nothing but a bunch of actors wearing Smurf costumes made by their moms, traipsing through what looks like a public park and singing terrible songs.
And there are so many smurfing songs in this movie, with a surprisingly large number of them revolving around shoving other Smurfs.
Something finally happens when one Smurf gets into a heated argument with Papa Smurf, perhaps over his anger that the gods have turned them all into monstrosities. When this Smurf leaves, he encounters the evil Gargamel, who looks like he wandered in from a Swedish existentialist drama, and he seemingly just wants get drunk with the Smurfs.
But the movie is called Smurfs On The Moon, so eventually, they go to the moon. Strangely, shots of the moon look a lot like the exact same park the Smurfs were in before, only overexposed. This moon trip is also super creepy, which might be because some editing genius decided to play the Shining soundtrack over a bunch of monstrous blue creatures aimlessly wandering a wasteland.
In case all of this hasn't traumatized your kids yet, in the end, the Smurfs all peel their faces off.
See? They were regular people wearing morose ritualistic masks of comic book homunculi. Nothing to get forever nightmares over at all!
A Live-Action Woody Woodpecker Movie Got Dumped In Brazil ... Last Year
Animating movies is a drawn-out process -- literally. That's why studios much prefer to throw some cheap CGI at the screen and call it a day. But it's even cheaper to make a live-action film and toss a CG character in there, like in Yogi Bear, The Adventures Of Rocky And Bullwinkle, or any movie featuring Andy Dick. But you might not have heard of the latest addition to the live cartoon slaughterhouse: the new Woody Woodpecker movie. That's because it was made for release in Brazil ... and then just stayed there like it was avoiding a war crimes tribunal.
The plot of Woody Woodpecker (or Pica-Pau O Filme) finds a big-city lawyer clear-cutting a patch of woods to build his family's dream house. And in the family film genre, if you're a lawyer who cuts down trees, you may as well be the devil.
Unfortunately for this family (and anyone in the audience who suffers from migraines), this forest happens to be the home of Woody Woodpecker, the famous cartoon bird whose name sounds like an antique dildo. However, the filmmakers didn't get the memo about not using cartoon violence in live-action movies, so when his home gets invaded, the whimsical little fellow responds by trying to murder actual human beings. Like this harmless construction worker, who gets zapped harder than an Alabama death row inmate:
In true rampage fashion, not even wives and children are safe from Woody's murderous wrath. When the lawyer's family visits their new land, the bird tries to kill them by shoving a cement mixer that looks like Optimus Prime's dick into their car ...
Then, to satisfy his bloodlust, Woody (who, like a demon, doesn't even cast a shadow) uses construction-grade explosives to bomb the family trailer.
Despite being made by Universal and featuring an icon from the golden age of animation, the studio rightly decided to throw Woody Woodpecker into the DVD market stateside. But they did properly release the film in Brazil, which has an inexplicable love for Woody. There, the movie shot up to number one at the box office.
The Scooby-Doo Gang Meets ... KISS?
Landing firmly in the "Let's throw together some BS with a property we own" category, once upon a time, Warner Bros. released Scooby-Doo! And Kiss: Rock And Roll Mystery. The movie finds the Scooby Gang meeting an aging rock band, to the delight of ... wait, who was this for, exactly?
The gang teams up with Kiss to, you guessed it, solve a spooky mystery. And it must be refreshing for them to meet adults who are honest and open about being dressed up as ghosts. Also, Daphne is super into Paul Stanley, presumably because the band insisted on accurately portraying how all hot 19-year-old girls want to hook up with 60-something-year-old men in leotards and clown makeup.
The Kiss amusement park (which in real life is a minigolf course) is being terrorized by a supposed witch who is ruining rides. When the gang catches up with the witch, they end up being transported to another planet via a giant space guitar traveling through a wormhole of cosmic nightmares. Luckily, every member of Kiss knows how to fly, which is what happens if you take a very specific amount of LSD every week, kids.
Of course, Scooby-Doo is all about debunking the paranormal, so in the end, it turns out that the "witch" is a in fact disgruntled Kiss employee in a dumb costume. And that trippy adventure to another planet? It was all caused by a hallucinogenic gas. Leave it to Kiss to get the most innocent teenagers on the planet tripping balls.
Perhaps anticipating that this twist makes Kiss seem super pathetic, they add in a bit where it's revealed that the band does have super powers. So that wasn't part of the bad trip, but everything else was? Then Paul Stanley makes out with Daphne, which is sadly not followed by a twist of her yanking off her own rubber mask, revealing that she too is Paul Stanley, and this is all taking place inside Paul Stanley's gross personal fantasies.
The Mario Bros. Made Their Movie Debut In A Weird-Ass Anime
You might assume that the first Super Mario movie was that one in the '90s in which Mario and Luigi battled Dennis Hopper on a set made out of rejected Blade Runner props. However, almost a decade prior, Nintendo tried to give their plumber star his own feature-length anime film, Super Mario: The Great Mission To Rescue Princess Peach. And if you thought the live-action movie that expected us to believe John Leguizamo and Bob Hoskins could be Italian brothers was weird, you ain't seen nothing yet.
Let's get something really dumb out of the way first: Despite the fact that basically the only thing we knew about Mario in 1986 was his job as a plumber, this movie recasts him as a chronically depressed grocery store clerk, for no reason whatsoever.
Also, Mario is himself obsessed with playing video games, suggesting that at least one draft of this script was written by Charlie Kaufman. One late night, Mario's game magically transforms and a distressed Princess Peach pops out of the TV. Immediately afterward, she gets kidnapped by Bowser, and so we're off to the Mario races.
Eventually, Mario and Luigi magically enter the video game world to rescue the princess. But while the video games always suggested that the Marios were good at adjusting to alien worlds of magic, the movie versions have a hard time coping. As a result, things get surreal fast, like when Mario finds out that Bowser is going to marry the princess and his self-image literally shatters.
It's at this point that the movie bids a fond farewell to the games and decides it has a much better handle on what Super Mario is about than Nintendo themselves. Take Mario's powers, for example. In addition to superb jumping, Mario suddenly has the surprisingly racist ability to morph into a gun-toting Mexican caricature.
And when the lesser Mario Bro eats mushrooms, instead of getting slightly larger, like you'd expect, Luigi just trips balls and punches Mario right in the face.
Again and again and again.
Eventually, the Bros. get a sidekick in the form of a weird dog, because thankfully Toad's agents had gotten him out of having to do a cameo. Of course, after defeating Bowser, it turns out that the dog is actually a slightly puppet-looking prince ...
... who's engaged to Princess Peach, who then apologizes to Mario for breaking his heart.
To the movie's credit, it's going to take everyone else another two decades to accept that yeah, Princess Peach is using Mario to constantly get her out of awkward relationship situations -- Bowser or otherwise. Speaking of Bowser, in a Marvel-like post-credit stinger, it's revealed that the King of Koopas is now working at the same grocery store, because even for a murder-crazed turtle monster, there's no worse punishment than the living hell of customer service.
We encourage each and every one of you to begin writing these cartoon characters into your own fun stories -- start with a beginner's guide to Celtx.
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