4

Evan Almighty Proves That God Exists, And That Has Some Heavy Implications

In Evan Almighty (the sequel to Jim Carrey's Bruce Almighty and prequel to Billy Baldwin's direct-to-DVD Billy Baldwin Almighty), Steve Carell stars as Evan Baxter, a newscaster turned congressman. One day, Evan receives a message from Morgan "God" Freeman, telling him to build an ark to prepare for a flood. Evan reluctantly complies, while everyone in town mocks and ridicules him. That is, until the foretold flood happens and all those people rush right onto Evan's Ark for salvation.

3

Face/Off's Protagonist Will Have To Tell His Adopted Kid That He Impaled His Biological Dad With A Spear Gun

There are a lot of twists and turns in Face/Off, the only movie to ask the question on all of our minds each and every day: "What would happen if Nicolas Cage and John Travolta switched faces?" But in the end, FBI agent Sean Archer (Travolta) successfully kills international terrorist Castor Troy (Cage) and gets his original face back. He comes home to his traumatized wife and daughter with a little surprise -- no, not Cage's disembodied face, but it's the next-best thing! Here's Adam, the adorable son of the terrorist who almost murdered them all!

Paramount PicturesNo kid with that origin and that haircut ends up not becoming serial killer adult ...

Archer grew fond of Adam and his mom while posing as Troy, and promised to take care of the kid before she died. The family accepts Adam with open arms, and all is well.

The Problem:

Adam looks to be around four or five years old, which means he'll grow up with only vague memories of his mom and the weird Cagey guy who used to hang around from time to time. But at some point, Archer will be forced to sit the kid down and explain that not only was his real dad a deranged criminal, but also that Archer himself murdered said criminal with a spear gun after a wicked speedboat chase. If he wants to be completely honest with his adopted son, Archer will also have to disclose that he screamed "DIEEEEEEE!!!" while doing so.

2

The Rock's Finale Means Nicolas Cage's Family Is Doomed

In 1996's The Rock, Sean Connery plays a former British spy who's been in an FBI prison for 30 years because he stole microfilm containing America's greatest secrets (JFK's true killer, the Roswell aliens, Eleanor Roosevelt's nudes, etc). Connery is recruited for a special mission alongside FBI chemist Stanley Goodspeed, played by Nicolas Cage. Yes, Cage's name in this movie is "Stanley Goodspeed." It is among his more subtle and restrained roles.

Touchstone PicturesSee?

1

The Kid From The Iron Giant Is Definitely Getting Cancer

The end of The Iron Giant isn't exactly happy, but it is hopeful. While the giant sacrifices himself to save the town, our protagonist, a little boy named Hogarth, does get an iron bolt found in the fallout of the nuclear explosion, which he keeps as a memento of his fallen friend.

Warner Bros. PicturesIf this were a human, that'd probably be like a finger or something.

Later that night, we see the bolt moving by itself, implying that the Giant's various pieces are slowly coming together again. Look for Vin Diesel to return in 2 Iron 2 Giant.

The Problem:

You know who wouldn't return if there was a sequel? Hogarth. Because he'd be dead.

Hogarth keeping a token from his buddy is a really sweet thought ... except for the fact that it was completely bathed in radiation. Radiation from nuclear catastrophes stays on scrap metal for a very, very long time. We're even experiencing a worldwide problem right now wherein metal used in military or industrial hardware has been melted down and reused, but the dangerous radiation lived on. In 2005, Taiwanese residents living in apartments made of this reused metal saw massive increases in leukemia and breast cancer. Again, this is reused and refined metal, decades after the fact.

Warner Bros. Pictures"Mom, another hair clump fell out ... some teeth, too."

Hogarth receives that bolt not long after it survived a nuclear explosion. If he doesn't die soon after from radiation poisoning, he has about a 100 percent chance of developing cancer. So if you weren't already weeping at the ending of The Iron Giant, you should be now.

Tim Chawaga writes here, on Twitter, and http://www.pentaxlas.com. Please follow him. Jordan Breeding also writes for Paste Magazine, the Twitter, himself, and has been described by his parents as the horrifying aftermath of an otherwise-great thing. S.S.A is also on TopBuzz.

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For more deceivingly happy movie endings, check out 6 Happy Movie Endings That Actually Ruin the Hero's Life and 6 Off-Screen Tragedies That Follow Happy Movie Endings.

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