4

Evan Almighty Proves That God Exists, And That Has Some Heavy Implications

In Evan Almighty (the sequel to Jim Carrey's Bruce Almighty and prequel to Billy Baldwin's direct-to-DVD Billy Baldwin Almighty), Steve Carell stars as Evan Baxter, a newscaster turned congressman. One day, Evan receives a message from Morgan "God" Freeman, telling him to build an ark to prepare for a flood. Evan reluctantly complies, while everyone in town mocks and ridicules him. That is, until the foretold flood happens and all those people rush right onto Evan's Ark for salvation.

In the end, not one person dies in a flood of literally biblical proportions, and Evan is celebrated as a hero, rather than a lucky crackpot with a boat, of which there are many.

The Problem:

Hey, did you know that according to a 2017 study, 26 percent of Americans don't believe in God? Now imagine all of those people finding out that their whole concept of life and morality has been wrong all along. (Now imagine that crisis being instigated by Steve Carrell, of all people.)

Universal PicturesAnd wait until the racist ones find out about God's skin tone.

And what about extremists and fundamentalists? Definite confirmation that God is real and has yet to strike them down would tell them that they're onto something. How many sexual minorities and atheist holdouts would die on the first day alone? How many more on each subsequent day, as the extremists grow in number and conviction? But hey, Steve Carell patched things up with his wife, so it was all worth it.

3

Face/Off's Protagonist Will Have To Tell His Adopted Kid That He Impaled His Biological Dad With A Spear Gun

There are a lot of twists and turns in Face/Off, the only movie to ask the question on all of our minds each and every day: "What would happen if Nicolas Cage and John Travolta switched faces?" But in the end, FBI agent Sean Archer (Travolta) successfully kills international terrorist Castor Troy (Cage) and gets his original face back. He comes home to his traumatized wife and daughter with a little surprise -- no, not Cage's disembodied face, but it's the next-best thing! Here's Adam, the adorable son of the terrorist who almost murdered them all!

Paramount PicturesNo kid with that origin and that haircut ends up not becoming serial killer adult ...

2

The Rock's Finale Means Nicolas Cage's Family Is Doomed

In 1996's The Rock, Sean Connery plays a former British spy who's been in an FBI prison for 30 years because he stole microfilm containing America's greatest secrets (JFK's true killer, the Roswell aliens, Eleanor Roosevelt's nudes, etc). Connery is recruited for a special mission alongside FBI chemist Stanley Goodspeed, played by Nicolas Cage. Yes, Cage's name in this movie is "Stanley Goodspeed." It is among his more subtle and restrained roles.

Touchstone PicturesSee?

Together, Cage and Connery successfully thwart a squad of rogue marines and save San Francisco, at which point it's time for Connery to go back to his cell. But Cage does him a solid and fakes his death, which Connery repays by sharing the location of the long-hidden microfilm. The movie ends with Cage retrieving the film, about to spill the beans on JFK's killer to his new wife.

1

The Kid From The Iron Giant Is Definitely Getting Cancer

The end of The Iron Giant isn't exactly happy, but it is hopeful. While the giant sacrifices himself to save the town, our protagonist, a little boy named Hogarth, does get an iron bolt found in the fallout of the nuclear explosion, which he keeps as a memento of his fallen friend.

Warner Bros. PicturesIf this were a human, that'd probably be like a finger or something.

Later that night, we see the bolt moving by itself, implying that the Giant's various pieces are slowly coming together again. Look for Vin Diesel to return in 2 Iron 2 Giant.

The Problem:

You know who wouldn't return if there was a sequel? Hogarth. Because he'd be dead.

Hogarth keeping a token from his buddy is a really sweet thought ... except for the fact that it was completely bathed in radiation. Radiation from nuclear catastrophes stays on scrap metal for a very, very long time. We're even experiencing a worldwide problem right now wherein metal used in military or industrial hardware has been melted down and reused, but the dangerous radiation lived on. In 2005, Taiwanese residents living in apartments made of this reused metal saw massive increases in leukemia and breast cancer. Again, this is reused and refined metal, decades after the fact.

Warner Bros. Pictures"Mom, another hair clump fell out ... some teeth, too."

Hogarth receives that bolt not long after it survived a nuclear explosion. If he doesn't die soon after from radiation poisoning, he has about a 100 percent chance of developing cancer. So if you weren't already weeping at the ending of The Iron Giant, you should be now.

Tim Chawaga writes here, on Twitter, and http://www.pentaxlas.com. Please follow him. Jordan Breeding also writes for Paste Magazine, the Twitter, himself, and has been described by his parents as the horrifying aftermath of an otherwise-great thing. S.S.A is also on TopBuzz.

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For more deceivingly happy movie endings, check out 6 Happy Movie Endings That Actually Ruin the Hero's Life and 6 Off-Screen Tragedies That Follow Happy Movie Endings.

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