Big Mike served five years for aggravated assault before officially graduating to murder in 1992, when he lured rival drug dealer Ralph Hernandez to a nightclub owned by mob capo "Joe Pitts" Conigliaro. Pitts was in a wheelchair because he and his partner failed so hard at shaking a dude down that they accidentally shot each other at the same time, but he didn't let that hold him back. Someone (we don't know for sure if it was Big Mike, but it, uh ... it was probably Big Mike) locked Hernandez in a room with Joe, but didn't stick around to see Pitts shoot the man in the forehead.

That would have been the end of it, had Big Mike not gotten stars in his eyes. Police were still investigating the crime, but all they had was a nickname, and you'd be surprised at the number of Big Mikes residing in that part of the country. Then they noticed that this Sopranos guy seemed sus**ciously good at gangstering ...

Bill TurnbullWhen they needed to make sure nobody snitched about the ending of the series, who do you think they called?

Witnesses were shown a few episodes of the show, and confirmed that it was an entertainment thrill ride (and also that Big Mike totally helped kill that guy). By then, Big Mike had turned his life around, but his crimes came back to haunt him. He passed away before he could stand trial, and Joe Pitts himself was eventually knocked off in a mob hit. Scorsese himself couldn't have done better.

Eight years later in Alabama, Bigham caused a five-car pileup after crashing his sedan going 80 mph in a 35 mph zone. It wasn't Bigham's last brush with the law. Later that year, after recovering from his minor injuries, he was arrested on domestic violence charges for pushing his mother down the stairs. In the film, Ricky Bobby's kids are awful to their parents, and Bigham had apparently decided to method act for the rest of his life.

He may as well have signed that confession note.

Simpson starred as John "Bullfrog" Burke, a Navy SEAL on a mission to rescue an old friend who has since married his ex-wife. At one point in the pilot, Burke is surprised by his daughter, whom he believes to be an intruder, and briefly holds a knife to her throat. Of course, Nicole Brown famously died of multiple knife wounds, mostly to her throat. We can't help but wonder if O.J. had some "creative input" on the scene.

NBCUniversal Television"CUT! O.J., man, you gotta stop yelling 'I'LL SHOW YOU, NICOLE!' That's not the line."

NBC had already declined to pick up the show by the time the murders occurred a few months later, and the pilot remains unaired, sealed in a vault at Warner Bros. When asked if they would ever consider releasing it, executives reportedly burst into laughter and then said "no" 17 times with 17 different inflections.

Sadly, life in prison wound up being a short sentence. While Avery did attempt to reform behind bars, he met way badder dudes than he could have ever hoped to be. Specifically, his Satanist cellmate, who killed him, created a pentagram with his blood, and performed a Satanic ritual over his body after an argument about -- surprise! -- religion.

Now, the kind of power implied by human transportation and fruit art is notoriously corrupting, and things soon took a sinister turn. Michel started raping all the young men in his group. He had brainwashed them to the point where if any of them objected, he convinced them that they weren't mad at him, they were mad at themselves, and this obviously meant they should continue having sex. Ah yes, the old "Why are you hitting yourself?" method of mind control.

When the group began to draw unwelcome attention from the normies, they bounced from California to Texas, then ultimately to Hawaii, where he's still operating and presumably having sex of dubious consent to this day. That's right: Somehow, impossibly, Roman Polanski was not the biggest creep involved in making Rosemary's Baby.

Paramount PicturesReminder, Satan is also in the movie.

Support Cracked's journalism with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

For more examples of life imitating art, check out 8 Bizarre Movie Scenes You Didn't Know Really Happened and 5 Absurd Action Movie Scenes That Happened in Real Life.

It's not a crime to follow us on Facebook.