4

Both Lightsabers And Bat'leths Are Terrible Weapons

If you've never imagined yourself in a lightsaber duel, then you might as well leave now, because you're either a liar or a robot, and we will tolerate neither. But despite the name, lightsaber blades are made of plasma. And the amount of energy required to produce that plasma would also be enough to light the entire room on fire the second you flipped it on. It would be like trying to wield an exploding bomb. And if that energy could somehow be contained, (like, say, because of the Kyber crystals that you beautiful nerds are already rushing to mention?), the deal is still off the second two lightsabers touch. Two beams of piping hot plasma crashing into each other would lead to magnetic reconnection, which is a fancy scientific term for an explosion that results in fricasseed dork.

LucasfilmAnd no one will care enough to turn you into a cyborg.

Oh, but don't think you're getting off light here, nerds who prefer their stars of the trek variety. Now we're going to look at the Klingon Bat'leth. You'd think this would fare better. It's not some goofy magical laser sword, just a mean piece of metal meant to be thrust into some dirty Romulan's chest. OK, but here's how you hold it:

CBS Television StudiosIf this was useful for killing things, humans would have thought of it centuries ago.

It's basically a stick with a couple of pointy bits on the ends. And pointy sticks do indeed hurt. Everything checks out so far. But imagine hitting someone from that pose: You'll get almost no strength or reach from your limp thrusts. If your fight hasn't been pre-scripted for television, you'd be lucky to give your opponent a paper cut. At best, you could lift a Bat'leth up and swing it down like a far less effective ax ... but that's so unwieldy that whomever you're fighting would surely perforate you halfway through the process. Maybe the Klingons are trying to give their victims a sporting chance?

3

You Probably Won't Walk Away From Being Shot While Wearing A Bulletproof Vest

Your name is Gareth Goodguy, and you are a good guy. You are in a standoff with Billiam Badguy, who is (try to look surprised here) a bad guy. You both draw your pistols and fire. You both fall. But only you get back up. See, you swung by the Good Guy Store before the fight and picked up a bulletproof vest. It's a good thing bad guys don't have that technology! You get to stroll away feelin' dandy, while Billiam hacks his life away into a gutter. Justice prevails!

Universal PicturesMarty are you OK, are you OK, are you OK Marty?

While bulletproof vests do of course absorb bullets, all that energy still has to go somewhere. So getting shot feels like taking a 90 mph fastball to the chest -- it might not kill you, but it will give you a nasty bruise, knock you on your ass, and possibly even wind you. Injuries caused by bulletproof vests doing their job even have their own name: behind armor blunt trauma. And BABTs can mean anything from lacerations to fractured ribs to damaged vital organs. That's better than dying, yes, but you're not strolling away from that with a quick pun and a wink to the camera.

Lionsgate FilmsTry to explain those bruises to CPS.

2

Doing An Assassin's Creed-Style Dive Into A Pile Of Straw Would Cripple You

The Assassin's Creed games all feature a move called the Leap of Faith, wherein the hero dives off of a tall building into a pile of hay (always conveniently located at the base of any good tower), then hops out and goes about their day without so much as a single bystander screaming "JESUS CHRIST, ARE YOU OK?!"

UbisoftWhile all the city guards suffer immediate face blindness.

1

Dodge-Rolling Only Makes You An Easy (Undignified) Target

So you're playing Dark Souls, Bloodborne, Zelda, Tomb Raider, Batman: Arkham Whatever -- pretty much any game in history, really. A big guy is running at you with an ax. Time to dodge-roll!

Nintendo"They all laughed when I bought that hat glue! Well, who's stupid now?!"

Surely, real battlefields of yore were also full of warriors gracefully tumbling out of the way of their opponents' blades. Why, look at this modern recreation wherein ... huh.

via KotakuMissing: the part when the other loots his pockets.

Yeah, it turns out that if your opponent isn't locked in a laughably long video game animation, it's the easiest thing in the world for them to adjust their swing while you're flailing around on the ground. In real combat, dodging is all about keeping your movements as simple and efficient as possible, so as to not leave any openings. Look, you probably weren't going to get in a sword fight with a maniac anyway, but on the off chance your Saturday night goes awry, we're just saying: Don't somersault.

Mark is on Twitter and has a brand new book.

Listen, honestly, it's still a good idea to wear a protective vest even when you're playing paintball.

If you loved this article and want more content like this, support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

For more check out 6 Famous Movie Fight Moves (That Don't Work In Real Fights) and 5 Unrealistic Fight Moves That Show Up In Every Movie.

Also follow us on Facebook, punk.