5 Very Stupid Things Hollywood Taught You About Fighting

Now, first of all, medieval armor wasn't simply a sheet of metal they stuck on your torso before marching you off. It was generally worn with padding beneath, for both comfort and safety. There's no point to "skintight" armor, and boob holders are even more unnecessary when you're swaddled up like the Michelin Man under there. Secondly, the whole point of armor is to deflect incoming blows -- as in, bounce them away from your tender bits. But if your breastplate has two big round mountains on either side, the enemy's sword is going to slide down them, right into the center of your chest.

As Tor's Emily Asher-Perrin explains, a strong enough blow to the chest can kill you, armor or not. Even falling down in a piece of unpadded boob armor would cause those metal cups to dig into your chest, resulting in some serious damage. If our boobless readers are having trouble picturing the problem, imagine a jockstrap that individually wraps the penis and each testicle separately, instead of putting the whole unit behind one single protective sheet of hard plastic. Then imagine somebody kicking it.

Oh, but don't think you're getting off light here, nerds who prefer their stars of the trek variety. Now we're going to look at the Klingon Bat'leth. You'd think this would fare better. It's not some goofy magical laser sword, just a mean piece of metal meant to be thrust into some dirty Romulan's chest. OK, but here's how you hold it:

It's basically a stick with a couple of pointy bits on the ends. And pointy sticks do indeed hurt. Everything checks out so far. But imagine hitting someone from that pose: You'll get almost no strength or reach from your limp thrusts. If your fight hasn't been pre-scripted for television, you'd be lucky to give your opponent a paper cut. At best, you could lift a Bat'leth up and swing it down like a far less effective ax ... but that's so unwieldy that whomever you're fighting would surely perforate you halfway through the process. Maybe the Klingons are trying to give their victims a sporting chance?

While bulletproof vests do of course absorb bullets, all that energy still has to go somewhere. So getting shot feels like taking a 90 mph fastball to the chest -- it might not kill you, but it will give you a nasty bruise, knock you on your ass, and possibly even wind you. Injuries caused by bulletproof vests doing their job even have their own name: behind armor blunt trauma. And BABTs can mean anything from lacerations to fractured ribs to damaged vital organs. That's better than dying, yes, but you're not strolling away from that with a quick pun and a wink to the camera.

But while the move undoubtedly looks cool, it would actually result in nothing more than piles of mangled assassins rotting quietly in haystacks. According to some especially nerdy scientists at the University of Leicester, it would be safe to jump into hay from a maximum height of about 12 meters (or 39.3 American Freedoms). You could probably survive a jump of up to 50 meters (164 feet), but you wouldn't be in any condition to parkour away from pursuing guards afterward. Any building taller than that, and the deceleration would be too much too quick for all but the most gelatinous assassin.

As a general rule, it's safe to assume that even a three-story building is taller than the safety limit, and the towering spires of Assassin's Creed are well beyond that. We know, it's almost like video games are unrealistic. Do try to learn to trust again some day.

Surely, real battlefields of yore were also full of warriors gracefully tumbling out of the way of their opponents' blades. Why, look at this modern recreation wherein ... huh.

Yeah, it turns out that if your opponent isn't locked in a laughably long video game animation, it's the easiest thing in the world for them to adjust their swing while you're flailing around on the ground. In real combat, dodging is all about keeping your movements as simple and efficient as possible, so as to not leave any openings. Look, you probably weren't going to get in a sword fight with a maniac anyway, but on the off chance your Saturday night goes awry, we're just saying: Don't somersault.

Mark is on Twitter and has a brand new book.

Listen, honestly, it's still a good idea to wear a protective vest even when you're playing paintball.

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For more check out 6 Famous Movie Fight Moves (That Don't Work In Real Fights) and 5 Unrealistic Fight Moves That Show Up In Every Movie.

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