5 Very Stupid Things Hollywood Taught You About Fighting

5

Wearing Boobplate Armor Makes It Easier To Kill You

Once upon a time, the fantasy genre was rife with hot women in chainmail bikinis, which offered about as much protection as wishful thinking. Today, the genre has mostly matured, and many female characters are given proper suits of armor ... which still feature lovingly sculpted metal boobs, for some reason.

HBOThough this blacksmith appears to have forgotten the nipple cavities.

Now, first of all, medieval armor wasn't simply a sheet of metal they stuck on your torso before marching you off. It was generally worn with padding beneath, for both comfort and safety. There's no point to "skintight" armor, and boob holders are even more unnecessary when you're swaddled up like the Michelin Man under there. Secondly, the whole point of armor is to deflect incoming blows -- as in, bounce them away from your tender bits. But if your breastplate has two big round mountains on either side, the enemy's sword is going to slide down them, right into the center of your chest.

Bethesda SoftworksGenerally speaking, you need that to live.

As Tor's Emily Asher-Perrin explains, a strong enough blow to the chest can kill you, armor or not. Even falling down in a piece of unpadded boob armor would cause those metal cups to dig into your chest, resulting in some serious damage. If our boobless readers are having trouble picturing the problem, imagine a jockstrap that individually wraps the penis and each testicle separately, instead of putting the whole unit behind one single protective sheet of hard plastic. Then imagine somebody kicking it.

4

Both Lightsabers And Bat'leths Are Terrible Weapons

If you've never imagined yourself in a lightsaber duel, then you might as well leave now, because you're either a liar or a robot, and we will tolerate neither. But despite the name, lightsaber blades are made of plasma. And the amount of energy required to produce that plasma would also be enough to light the entire room on fire the second you flipped it on. It would be like trying to wield an exploding bomb. And if that energy could somehow be contained, (like, say, because of the Kyber crystals that you beautiful nerds are already rushing to mention?), the deal is still off the second two lightsabers touch. Two beams of piping hot plasma crashing into each other would lead to magnetic reconnection, which is a fancy scientific term for an explosion that results in fricasseed dork.

LucasfilmAnd no one will care enough to turn you into a cyborg.

3

You Probably Won't Walk Away From Being Shot While Wearing A Bulletproof Vest

Your name is Gareth Goodguy, and you are a good guy. You are in a standoff with Billiam Badguy, who is (try to look surprised here) a bad guy. You both draw your pistols and fire. You both fall. But only you get back up. See, you swung by the Good Guy Store before the fight and picked up a bulletproof vest. It's a good thing bad guys don't have that technology! You get to stroll away feelin' dandy, while Billiam hacks his life away into a gutter. Justice prevails!

Universal PicturesMarty are you OK, are you OK, are you OK Marty?

2

Doing An Assassin's Creed-Style Dive Into A Pile Of Straw Would Cripple You

The Assassin's Creed games all feature a move called the Leap of Faith, wherein the hero dives off of a tall building into a pile of hay (always conveniently located at the base of any good tower), then hops out and goes about their day without so much as a single bystander screaming "JESUS CHRIST, ARE YOU OK?!"

UbisoftWhile all the city guards suffer immediate face blindness.

1

Dodge-Rolling Only Makes You An Easy (Undignified) Target

So you're playing Dark Souls, Bloodborne, Zelda, Tomb Raider, Batman: Arkham Whatever -- pretty much any game in history, really. A big guy is running at you with an ax. Time to dodge-roll!

Nintendo"They all laughed when I bought that hat glue! Well, who's stupid now?!"