Ivan Farkas
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E.M. Caris
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The world of high-end goods is so oversaturated with absurd status symbols that luxury cars, diamond rings, and fur coats simply don't impress anymore. Fortunately, the ultra-rich have figured out a loophole: buying cheap, mundane things, but needlessly paying way too much for them. Why darling, can you just imagine the look on Brant's face when you roll into the yacht club with ...
Behold the Resistance-approved M-65 Anarchy Cotton-Blend Field Jacket, available for a scant, capitalism-shattering $375:
Barney’s New York "SEEK TRUTH! DISOBEY! GET 10 PERCENT OFF DESIGNER SHOES WITH THIS PURCHASE!"
Created by Alpha Industries, a former military supplier (irony included in the price), the jacket is emblazoned with not one but two anarchy symbols. They truly spared no expense here. The word "Revolution" is scrawled across the front -- with a couple of backward letters, because what is the alphabet if not a collection of rules made to be broken?
Angelyn Fernandez of Alpha Industries says they created the jacket to "encompass the artistic and graphic expression of individuality," because nothing advertises uniqueness like commercial products slathered with generic quotes.
Barney’s New YorkThe revolution will be dry clean only.
If this sounds perfect for your next meeting at the DSA's Upper East Side chapter, you're out of luck. The luxury anarchy jacket is "currently unavailable" on the official website. Not out of stock, mind you, simply unavailable. There's no item preview, no pre-order option, not even any indication of when the next batch will ship from Malaysia. Now what are you supposed to do, Sharpie your own jacket?
When was the last time you went out of your way to purchase a can? Not a full can, with beans or something in it. Just an empty can -- the thing you not only do not purchase, but actively throw away on a regular basis. Never? You have never purchased such a thing, nor will you ever? Well, Tiffany & Co would like you to break that streak.
Tiffany & Co. Aw yeah, gonna recycle the hell out of this.
To be fair, that's not merely a tin can. It's a sterling silver and vermeil tin can. Along with a $350 "Rose Gold Vermeil Crazy Straw," a $385 "Sterling Silver Harmonica," and a $9,000 (not a typo) "Sterling Silver Ball of Yarn," it's part of Tiffany and Co.'s Everyday Objects collection, a line inspired by items fished from a sleeping hobo's bindle.
So what do you even do with a $1,000 can? Tiffany suggests using it to store pencils, themselves probably carved from the fossilized cedars at the ruins of Solomon's Temple.
Tiffany & Co. Though it would be frankly hilarious to write “anything helps” on it and use it to beg for spare change.
Silver Cross, the world's oldest baby carriage manufacturer, describes itself as the "Rolls-Royce of prams" (kinda like how we tell people we're the "Volvo of pop culture trivia websites"). It seems that the Rolls-Royce of Rolls-Royces (actual Rolls-Royces) doesn't hold them in equal regard, though, since Silver Cross' flagship product is a collaboration with competing British automaker Aston Martin.
Aston Martin The only pram that legally requires a baby chauffeur.
The Surf Aston Martin Edition is 5,999 Australian dollars (nearly $5,000 U.S.) for the "ultimate luxury pram system" for "fast-paced lifestyles." You know, for babies with a schedule to keep. This particular model may not shoot missiles or turn into a submarine, but it's still fitted with more features than an entry-level sedan, all of which are described using superfluous, rich-people-duping buzzwords.
The Aston Martin pram doesn't have a sturdy frame, for example. It has a "pearlescent [shiny] white chassis" made of "lightweight magnesium alloy," which is supported on an "air-ride suspension." Likewise, the interior is "lined with beautiful cream Alcantara [a polyester-polyurethane amalgam]" Even the "100 percent cashmere baby blanket" is woven on dangerous "Jacquard looms," meaning that $5,000 also compensates the families of workers mutilated during manufacture.
More importantly, the pram's handlebar and bumper bar both sport "Aston Martin" badges, to continually remind poorer parents of the owner's objective and unequivocal superiority.
Aston Martin The metallic surface also makes it easier to clean off poop and puke.
Monopoly was originally created to show the horrors and inherent contradictions of capitalism, so it makes total sense that there are now about five trillion variants based on every conceivable brand on the planet. The most soul-crushing of these variants (no small feat), has to be Geoffrey Parker's gold-and-silver-plated luxury edition, which sells for upwards of $14,161.
Geoffrey Parker“Jenkins, I grow weary of this game. Do huck the board across the room for me, would you?”
Here's Patrick Bateman to describe it: "[It] features hand-bound Dauphin calfskin sides, meticulously detailed scalloped pinth, and each of the seventy inlays embossed in silver or gold. The board smoothly pivots to unveil a storage area beneath, where the game pieces nestle in soft, black felt."
The game comes with "nearly indestructible leather dice cups," which could also presumably be used to store your collection of trophy teeth from the men you've hunted for sport.
SmartPlayhouse describes its products as "uber stylish" and "authentic pieces of design work inspired by contemporary architecture." Which is to say that they look boring as hell. Take their top-range product, the $14,890 Illinois Maxi, a "Stately essence of modernity ... inspired by the Modern Movement of the 20th century."
What child wouldn't want to play in a tiny replica of the bungalow that their absentee father houses his mistress in?
Smart Playhouse "Crushing sense of ennui sold separately!"
For the much more reasonable price of $11,500, SmartPlayhouse offers the Kyoto Maxi, a minimalist "Japanese-inspired futuristic style" two-story playhouse. To be fair, this one does look like it was designed by a child (with a pair of scissors):
Smart Playhouse You know what else is minimalist? An empty cardboard box.
Whichever option you choose, they're all built tough, with hydrophobically sealed joints, two layers of weather-protective paint, and thermal insulation. So when you tire of little Madison's antics, she can just go live in the yard. Don't forget to charge her rent. You can never start those life lessons too early!
SmartPlayhouse likes to think of their playhouses as an "excellent pedagogic tool," and it's funny -- that's only one word away from the phrase we'd use to describe anybody who buys one.
Your kids will be happier in playing in a wood shack anyway.
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For more dumb stuff the 1 percent spends their money on, check out 9 'Smart' Products Clearly Designed For Stupid Rich People and 9 Everyday Household Items (Only Rich Idiots Would Buy).
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