In the SECOND EPISODE EVER of Night Court, a crazy ol' drunk claiming to be Santa Claus gets taken downtown, but it's gradually revealed that he knows everything about everyone's childhoods, down to the last intimate detail. Then he offers Harry Anderson the opportunity to succeed him as Santa. Again, this is the second episode, and they have already established that this courtroom exists in a world where Kris Kringle wants the judge to take over as the actual, real Santa Claus. And the next 191 episodes take place with all the characters in the show knowing that.

Warner Bros. Television"Yes, I'm the real Santa. Live with that. And live with this: One of you is an impostor. You have one week to find it before it becomes you. Merry Christmas!"

In Home Improvement (in the very first season!), Mark starts questioning Santa's existence after Brad and Randy tell him that Santa died before he was born. "Wilson" then shows up dressed as Santa and gives everyone early presents, thus restoring Mark's faith. As Saint Nick leaves, Tim remarks that it's really nice of his neighbor to do something, only for Jill to point out that Wilson is over behind the fence, as always. So holy s**t, who was Santa??? Mark stares up at the sky in wonder ...

ABC Studios"One day your father will kill me in a feature film, young man! And anything that kills Santa becomes Santa! Why, 17 years ago, I was diabetes!"

In a near-identical twist, a Christmas episode of Gilligan's Island from almost 30 years earlier featured Santa visiting the castaways and bringing them gifts. They all assumed it was the Skipper dressing up to lift their spirits, but when Santa walks away, the Skipper immediately enters ... from the other direction! HOLY WHAT THE WHOA NOW.

Warner Bros. Television

Warner Bros. Television"Wow, the real Santa was here!? You know what this means, Gilligan!?" "Yes. He ... he could have flown us away but ... he left us. He left us here to die, Skipper."

Santa's even real in an episode of f*****g ER, a show that won 22 Emmys. A normally non-insane character screams into the night, "There's no God, there's no Christmas ... THERE IS NO FRICKIN' SANTA CLAUS!" Suddenly, snow starts to fall and he looks up to see how wrong he was. Santa is flying overhead, laughing at him. Seriously, this really happened. On ER. Watch this crazy s**t.

Warner Bros. Television"This ... isn't, like, a metaphor? He's ... a flying present baron who watches us all?"

Each of these characters has a legitimate reality-shattering experience, and then proceeds to live the rest of their lives completely unaffected. Not ONE time in the subsequent episodes of any of these shows does one character turn to another and say, "Pretty crazy how Santa's been real this whole time, huh? Puts your little two-dates-for-the-dance problem into perspective, huh?"

But driving a car into your own home is a sitcom tradition going back decades. In an episode of the '80s show Silver Spoons, Ricky Schroeder's grandfather crashes the car into the house.

Sony Pictures Television"Let's have Kate say, 'Wha- wha!? You can't park that in here!'" "What if instead she just dies? Dies from shock right there on the floor? Because life is nothing? All life is nothing?” “Ha ha, yeah.” -- Silver Spoons Writers Room, 1982

Marie manages to get the entire damn car into the house on Everybody Loves Raymond, which prompts a discussion about whether old people should still be driving. These people manage to turn the tiniest misunderstanding into 22 minutes of awkward hijinks, but they live in a world in which everyone they know gets killed by a speeding car while watching TV in their own home.

CBS Television"They have a bake sale? He gets a job as a Sherpa? I ... I'm out of ideas." "Me too. Let's check to see if anyone's driven a car into the house yet." "Yeah! And then one of them goes, 'YOU CAN'T PARK THAT HERE!'" "Ha ha ha ha ha ha!” -- Everybody Loves Raymond Writers Room, 1996

Something about a laugh track seems to attract vehicular manslaughter, because it happened again in The Suite Life Of Zack And Cody, when London drives into a building.

Walt Disney Television"I want to die. Kill me." "We do it together. On three. One. Two." *BANG* -- The Suite Life Of Zack And Cody Writers Room, 2005

This doesn't only happen when a stupid kid or an elderly idiot gets behind the wheel. Sometimes sitcom characters do it on purpose, like this jealous lover in the '90s show Wings.

CBS Television"You can't park that here?" "Fine." -- Wings Writers Room, 1990

And another jealous lover in Two And A Half Men.

Warner Bros. Television"How!? What!? Where are we!?" "The question isn't where. It's WHEN." -- Two And A Half Men Writers Room, 28,000 B.C.

There are many questions here, several about creative bankruptcy, but most pressing is: How fast does someone have to be driving to crash a car THROUGH a house? The answer, as any Mythbuster will tell you, is "any speed, so long as it's a plot point."

In an episode of The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air that aired THREE MONTHS LATER, Will drives Uncle Phil's Benz to a seedy pool hall, where he proceeds to crush a bunch of locals and become hilariously cocky. He then goes down $300 against a local hustler named Charlie Mack, and has to put up his uncle's car for collateral. Uncle Phil then shows up and turns out to be ... hold on a second ... a world-class pool player? He sinks trick shot after trick shot and wins back the money (plus $600), teaching the kids and the hustler a lesson: The good guy is the hustler who's holding the money when the credits roll.

Warner Bros. Television"That's why they call me Bel-Air Fats."

Half a decade later, in a 1996 episode of The Steve Harvey Show, a kid named Bullethead crushes some locals and gets lesson-learning cocky. He ends up losing the school's field trip money to two hustlers named Raven and Jody. This prompts Steve Harvey and Cedric the Entertainer to win back the money by dressing in African garb and pretending to be clueless Rwandan tribesmen who have never heard of pool. They win all the money back with a montage of trick shots and teach the same lesson: Only gamble against people who are worse than you at pool.

In 1995, there were episodes of Martin AND Living Single in which the main characters get hustled at pool halls. Queen Latifah's sudden pool skills win back all the money in Living Single, but of all the wacky characters Martin knows, none of them are secretly world-class pool players. This was probably because his wig kept falling off when he played, and not because of a choice made by the writers. Still, it led to this being the only black sitcom of the '90s wherein a character lost his or her money to a pool shark without winning it back via magically lucky circumstances. And so Martin remains, as ever, an unimpeachable bastion of realism.

On Full House, they somehow end up bringing a chimpanzee home, which is cute, but also the reason we don't call them the Olsen Triplets anymore.

Warner Bros. Television"Drop in to see the Tanners go BANANAS, Tuesdays at 8:30! My face! IT TOOK MY FACE."

The zoo conceit works because it gives the show an air of plausibility. Zoos exist in cities, so it's sort of possible that the animals might have to be temporarily placed into the homes of non-zookeepers with unpredictable, fragile children. But what's really strange is how often we see sitcom characters straight up get a monkey as a pet. Monkeys are not great pets. They poop, throw poop, and screech maniacally as they tear out your eyes, which is why New York absolutely doesn't allow them as pets. Yet here is Ross, palling around with little Marcel.

Warner Bros. Television“State crime? More like great time! Ross and Friends are Monkeyin' around every Thursday at 8:30! My lips! Jesus Christ! It tore off my lips!”

And here's Jenna with her gibbon-son.

Universal Television"And this fall, 30 Rock is turning prime-time to PRIMATE time! AIIIEEE!”

In Family Matters, Urkel ends up with a pet ape, which, according to Illinois law, means his home is classified as a research facility or zoo, making this only the 123rd most ridiculous thing to happen on that show.

Warner Bros. Television"How about ... 'SHE'S MUCH PRETTIER THAN YOUR LAST GIRLFRIEND, STEVE.'" "It's good ... but what if instead, the ape goes insane and tears off all of their genitalia? Absolutely all of them?" "WRITE IT.” -- Family Matters Writers Room, 1989

The Big Bang Theory, an abyss of diarrhea popular among the over-medicated, also has a pet monkey, and this one ... smokes!? *laugh track*

Warner Bros. Television*laugh track* B A Z I N G A *laugh track continues*

Besides the visiting monkey and the illegal pet monkey, there's a stock plot even more dangerously wacky: the evil monkey. Here's one from the worst episode of How I Met Your Mother, in which a monkey villain robs Marshall at banana-point.

20th Television“Is that a gun, or did you tear off somebody’s genitals again?”

Malcolm In The Middle has a knife-wielding helper monkey that tries to murder Craig and Hal.

20th TelevisionSo at least it’s somewhat realistic.

And in Community, the school is terrorized by Annie's Boobs, a kleptomaniac monkey living in the vents.

Sony Pictures TelevisionThe first thing it stole? Our hearts. The second thing? Our genitalia.

Of all the overused tropes, this is the easiest to forgive, because monkeys are the best. After all, if you had the opportunity to replace someone at your job with a monkey, wouldn't you do it? They're silly, they look hilarious in people clothes, and death by monkey is easily in the top 50 ways to die.

In an episode of SpongeBob SquarePants, it's discovered that Patrick has had a piece of coral acting as his brain for years, thereby making him the dullest water creature in all of Bikini Bottom. At first he's happy with his newfound intelligence, but when it starts making his friend miserable, he yanks out his brain and puts the coral back in. The point is, everyone hates the smart, so try to be dumber.

Futurama even did a version of this plotline wherein the monkey, Gunther, decides his intelligence comes with too much responsibility, so he reduces his brain power voluntarily.

John Stuart Mill, the Utilitarian philosopher, famously asked: Is it better to be a dissatisfied Socrates or a perfectly satisfied pig? It's a complex problem worth discussing with the humans and pigs you know, but as you can see, cartoons vote pig every time.

This has been happening for generations. In the All In The Family episode "The Elevator Story," lovable racist Archie Bunker is trapped in an elevator with several nonwhites, and one of them starts pushing out a baby. It's uncomfortable.

Sony Pictures TelevisionAll of it is very uncomfortable.

A slight variant happened on WKRP In Cincinnati. In an episode called "Fire," a fire alarm sends the whole crew home early, except for Herb and the woman he sexually harasses on the show for laughs, Jennifer. They end up trapped in the elevator together, and while she doesn't have a baby, Herb does confess to spreading rumors that he had sex with her. It's less gooey than childbirth, but just as disgusting.

In "Porko II," an amazingly titled episode of Gimme A Break, Nell Carter hosts a meeting for her weight loss group, PORKO. Yes, PORKO. The head of the group shows up, and they all mock him for regaining the weight he lost. But oh no! The PORKO members soon find themselves stuck in an elevator that can't handle all their porking weight. In the end, Nell talks their leader out of suicide, and everyone agrees to lose two pounds a week. That's what TV used to be like, kids.

Universal Television"Yes, this is Nell Carter, and YES, I am stuck in the elevator again! Oh no, you did NOT just laugh."

In the Night Court episode "The Blizzard," lady-chasing sex addict Dan gets stuck in an elevator with a ... a gay man!?

Warner Bros. Television"Let's have them sleep together?" "Like, full penetration!?" "That's not what I meant, but maybe?" -- Night Court Writers Room, 1984

And can you imagine getting stuck on an elevator with two sumo wrestlers!? The writers of Night Court could, in the episode "Earthquake!"

Warner Bros. Television"Are we crazy?" "f**k you, talking bug monster." -- Night Court Writers Room, 1985

OK wait, this can't be right. In yet another episode of Night Court, "The Blues Of The Birth," Christine gets trapped in an elevator with two men and goes into labor. It took them a couple of tries, but Night Court, the industry leader in trapping actors in elevators, finally delivered its first elevator baby!

Warner Bros. Television"Oh! You know where we should have Christine give birth?" "Yes. Totally on the same page." "Say it together on three. One. Two." "ELEVATOR!" "CAR DRIVEN BY MONKEY CRASHING INTO COURTR- oh, that’s OK, too, I guess ...” -- Night Court Writers Room, 1986

Joel B. Kirk resides in the San Francisco Bay Area and thinks the retro '80s music group The Midnight is too cool for words.

If Santa is real ... is Elf on the Shelf?

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