KFC's Escape Pod Is Definitely A Murder Cage, Right?

KFC's Escape Pod Is Definitely A Murder Cage, Right?


Is the constant flow of the internet's rampant cynicism getting you down? Well, stay logged on long enough to take advantage of the Cyber Monday deal of a lifetime by plunking down a scant $10,000 for an "Internet Escape Pod." It's made of a steel frame and mesh designed to block all incoming and outgoing signals. It was created and sold by the #1 trusted producer of anti-internet escape pods: Kentucky Fried Chicken. Truly, the brand is as synonymous with steel cocoons as it is with chicken.

The pod's design is tasteful and elegant, featuring a subtle nod to the Colonel himself that only the most eagle-eyed observers will spot. With his extremities stretched out like he's being pulled apart by horses, the lifelike facsimile of the Colonel humps the pod in such a way that we imagine it features an equally lifelike dick poking into the tent from the rear which can dispense savory brown gravy with a few hardy pumps.

The way the Colonel is draped over the pod can be interpreted in one of two ways. He's either shielding folks trying to recover from internet exhaustion with his grotesque Slenderman limbs, or more realistically, he's trying to eat the people inside, and the steel mesh is the only thing protecting them from his hungry maw. Either way, this is not something you'd want to see when you're stumbling through a dark house to pee at 3 a.m. It could only be worse if, when you shined your flashlight on him, he was resting in a slightly different position than what you remembered, with a wink on his face and his unappealingly long arms curled beneath his chin.

Perhaps the most disturbing element of all is one of the promotional photos that reveals the Colonel's ass, which looks strikingly like a diaper.

KFC's Escape Pod Is Definitely A Murder Cage, Right?
KFC Limited

This tells me the Colonel is in this for the long haul. He's going to be there, hovering over you, soiling himself silly, all in the name of protecting you from evil internet rays. And don't worry about his feet growing sore during his vigilant watch. They're not even touching the ground, and if they were, at least he's got some sensible loafers which look both stylish and comfortable, perfect for any corporate mascot doomed to an eternity of preventing irresponsibly wealthy folks from the dangers of Instagram.

There is the chance that this is all a stunt, just a cheap fake ploy to get people talking about how gross and unnecessary this thing is, thus making them buy more fried chicken. I know whenever a corporate brand does something that makes me question their mental stability, I always rush out to purchase their products. But you shouldn't take the risk of letting that stop you from buying one of these monstrosities for yourself. Supplies are running out, like a terrified pod occupant once the Colonel initiates his death hug sequence to compress those within into meat nuggets ready for frying.

For more check out What Stupid News About Millennials Is There Now? (11/14/2017) and What Stupid Thing Is Trending Now? (11/19/2017).

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