Police Accidentally Sent A Loaded Assault Rifle To A Drug Awareness Presentation
There are few things more uneventful than a drug awareness assembly. They're the one thing that can make a third-grader want to go back to class and learn more cursive. But sometimes they're more excitement than anybody bargained for. Like the time a police department in Southern California accidentally sent an officer with a fully loaded AR-15 assault rifle. And that maniac left the assault rifle mounted on his bike while he went inside to give the presentation. What could go wrong?
KNBC... And what third-grader would want to touch something like this? (Hint: All of them.)
Now, eight-year-old children aren't exactly famed for their restraint. Neither are they famed for their trigger discipline. One of the students, hoping for grade-school legend status, grabbed the rifle and pulled the trigger. No one was hit, but three students were injured by shrapnel, and one of them had to get chunks of sidewalk removed from his goddamn eye. On the upside, little Billy Henderson's name would go down in elementary school history.
The NIS Infiltrated The Gay Community By Telling Them They Knew Dorothy
Remember the '80s? Rubix Cubes and everyone wondering where the beef was? What about those wild pants made out of parachutes and zippers? And hey, remember all that wacky institutionalized homophobia? Oh, the '80s, you so crayzee!
Yes, homophobia was everywhere in the 1980s. The Navy was terrified of secret homosexuals in their ranks, so they tasked the NIS (Naval Investigative Service, or Needlessly Insecure about Sexuality) to head out to Chicago and seek out any homosexuals hidden in an institution that put fit young men in cute outfits together on boats. They had to put their best people on the case.
Unsurprisingly, in the city with the third-highest LGBT population in the U.S., the NIS did manage to find traces of the gay. They kept hearing reports of homosexuals who were "friends of Dorothy." They had to find this mysterious contact, the one woman who seemed to be connected to everyone in the underground homosexual network ... this "Dorothy."
If you've seen Arrested Development, you might already know that "friend of Dorothy" was coy old-timey slang for "gay," a reference to Judy Garland, who played Dorothy in The Wizard Of Oz. The NIS absolutely did not know this, and so started a citywide manhunt for the elusive Dorothy. They were certain she(?) was at the center of the elaborate homosexual military conspiracy ... sort of like the Harriet Tubman of Navy gays.
elnavegante/iStock, Loew’s, Inc.“We thought we’d tracked her to Middle America, but apparently she’s not in Kansas anymore.”
The whole comic enterprise culminated in a series of NIS interrogations wherein agents pretended to already know "Dorothy" in order to get information -- presumably to the endless tittering of the interrogated.
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Do you need some handcuffs? We won't ask why.
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