The news just doesn't get any better than this. Which is kind of depressing when you think about it. No reasonable person can be expected to keep up with every headline while maintaining their sanity, so we have taken it upon ourselves to quickly summarize the most important and/or ridiculous headlines from the last week (or so).

STRANGER THINGS ACTOR CHARLIE HEATON MISSED THE SEASON TWO PREMIERE DUE TO DRUG POSSESSION. Heaton, the English actor who plays Jonathan Byers, was de

FORMER INTERIM DNC CHAIRPERSON DONNA BRAZILE CLAIMED THE PARTY RIGGED THE PRIMARY FOR HILLARY CLINTON. Brazile said she found proof that the party w

Source: Vanity Fair

A 57-YEAR-OLD CHINESE WOMAN WHO WAS SUFFERING FROM LIFELONG NOSEBLEEDS, CONGESTION, AND INFLAMMATION WAS FOUND TO HAVE A FULLY FORMED TOOTH GROWING UP

ANDY DICK WAS FIRED FROM AN INDEPENDENT FILM FOLLOWING ALLEGATIONS OF SEXUAL MISCONDUCT ON SET. Dick is accused of groping genitals, licking people, a

JEREMY PIVEN HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF SEXUALLY ASSAULTING AN ACTRESS ON THE SET OF ENTOURAGE. Ariane Bellamar made the accusations in a series of tweets, s

KEVIN SPACEY HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF ATTEMPTED MOLESTATION OF A 14-YEAR-OLD. Anthony Rapp alleged that when he was a minor, Kevin Spacey put him on a bed

PRESIDENT TRUMP WANTS TO SIGN A TAX OVERHAUL PLAN BY CHRISTMAS. He says the signing of the potential bill will be the biggest tax event in the histor

Source: The Hill

JORDAN PEELE IS REBOOTING THE TWiLIGHT ZONE The Key & Peele actor, who wrote and directed the acclaimed thriller Get Out, will develop the new take on

MCDONALDS SAYS THEIR CHICKENS WILL BE TREATED BETTER AND MORE HUMANELY SLAUGHTERED. Poultry suppliers have been criticized for their treatment of chic

A FEDERAL JUDGE BLOCKED TRUMP'S BAN ON TRANSGENDER PEOPLE IN THE MILITARY. The judge's decision was made due to the inherent inequality in the provi

Source: CNN

FACEBOOK SAYS RUSSIAN TROLLS WERE ABLE TO REACH 126 MILLION PEOPLE. Troll farms working on behalf of the Russian government used the platform to spr

Source: CNN Money

A27-YEAR-OLD MAN NAMED TAKAHIRO SHIRAISHI IS SUSPECTED OF BEING A SERIAL KILLER, AFTER NINE DISMEMBERED BODIES WERE FOUND IN HIS APARTMENT IN ZAMA, JA

A 29-YEAR-OLI UZBEK IMMIGRANT NAMED SAYFULLO SAIPOW DROVE A TRUCK DOWN A NEW YORK CITY CYCLING PATH, HITTING PEDESTRIANS AND CYCLISTS... KILLING EIGHT

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