You know when you're trying to explain bestiality to children using stuffed animals and bananas and you think, "There's got to be a better way?"
No? No, that's absurd? Well don't tell Disney that. They had animators make an entire movie devoted to explaining bestiality, and this article is devoted to explaining that. Let's talk about Brother Bear 2.
In the original Brother Bear, the protagonist is turned into a bear and learns the importance of brotherly love. In the straight-to-DVD sequel, they decide to teach him the importance of romantic love. The feelings of attraction. The joy of intimacy.
Walt Disney Pictures
The movie is set during mating season, and it explores a human's love for animals, particularly their holes, in the most spectacular way. It starts with Kenai (the former human, now a bear) and his bear brother Koda enjoying their single lives while all the other animals are pairing up. Kenai denies having any interest in romance, but then remembers a little girl he was once friends with named Nita. He thinks back on the time he gave her an amulet to cheer her up after a near-death experience, and like all amulets in movies, it soon becomes a convenient plot device.
Nita kept the amulet all these years, and it turns out the thing has spiritually linked her to Kenai. Apparently, childhood friendship + amulet = unbreakable eternal bond, so unseen spirits begin working to destroy her current relationship with an actual human who never became a bear. At one point they attack her with a cock-blocking earthquake, and she has to consult with a shaman to learn more. So to recap, ghosts have mistaken an amulet for a lifetime sex contract, and are tearing the very Earth apart to make sure this engaged woman leaves her fiance to let a bear's bone-filled penis enter her tender human parts.
According to the self-professed "sha-wo-man" -- a joke taken from the world's lamest wizard's novelty mug -- Nita has to burn the amulet to break the enchantment. Although when an enchantment requires that you bang a bear, "curse" might be a better word. But this isn't the story of Nita weaseling her way out of necklace contracts. She quickly reunites with Kenai, and for a brief time it goes from Lord Of The Rings to Barnyard Taboo Sluts Volume 7. The two start to warm up to each other, which escalates to playful flirting, which escalates to Kenai neglecting Koda, undoing all the hard work of the first film.
The next act sees Nita breaking the amulet's curse and going back to her human-on-human relationship. At least, until she abandons her betrothed again to go back to Kenai. The two share some tender romance and declarations of love, until finally the girl's father shows up and magic lights start firing out of the sky. It's a strange scene that feels like it was written in response to the script note "HUMAN GIRL FUCKS BEAR!?" By the end of it, Nita has floated into space and been beamed back down as a bear. And what little girl doesn't dream of having her DNA rewritten in front of her father so she can mate with the primal beasts of the forest?
This hilariously deranged scene seems like it was written to dodge the issue of bestiality, but ended up having the opposite effect. The movie seems to think viewers will be quite moved by the idea of breaking up a human marriage to have bear sex. And to only add to the confusion, someone involved in the writing process knew this was nuts. Koda tries explaining how crazy all of this is, and begs the spirits to make Kenai human again. But everyone else says, "To hell with that! Let's see what happens when two humans in bear bodies try to figure out a penile sheath and baculum."
They even have an official bear wedding ceremony, mostly attended by humans, while Nita's former groom is presumably exiled to die on the tundra, or is eaten alive in this mad new world where bears are everywhere and filled with the souls of horny humans.
You could write this film off as the innocent adventures of two people who were once both humans, but learned to love again as bears. Except the movie is constantly dropping hints about bestiality -- and in a strange way, seems in favor of it? The two leads, who spend most of the movie as different species, often express their concerns about making a relationship work with incompatible genitals. They both acknowledge their strong feelings, but know they can't act on them. So they never actually show onscreen woman-on-bear action. It's what the MPAA would categorize as "Bestiality Themes or Situations," if such a category wasn't unique to this singularly insane movie. In the end, these two souls decide they will stay together, even if they can't communicate or legally consummate their passion. So maybe it's not an exploration of animal fuckers as a consumer market, but Brother Bear 2 is suspiciously close to what such a movie would look like.
So remember, kids: The next time you fall in love with an animal and it starts to get weird, consider throwing your life away to pursue that relationship. With any luck, the spirits in the sky will transform you into the same animal so your family can throw you a little animal wedding. And if you ever find the world starting to make sense, remember that's the plot of a real Disney movie. For children.
T.W. Thinker would like to wish you a lovely day while he contemplates what he just wrote.
Bears should just stay stuffed.
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Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.
It's hard out there for millionaire purveyors of garbage pizza.