6 Crazy Ways Your Favorite TV Shows Get Written

After the writers have spitballed some funny ideas, Trey Parker isolates himself to write the script. When he gets stuck, Parker builds Lego sets almost meditatively. Another part of Parker's creative process evidently involves wolfing down copious amounts of McDonald's -- which presumably inspired Terrance and Philip's raging flatulence.

And then, instead of outsourcing the animation to Korea, the South Park crew does everything in the same office, from storyboards to animation to audio recording. They stop just short of showing up at college dorms to help kids smoke pot and download torrents.

Once they finish the exhausting process, they deliver the episode to the network with hours to spare ... at which point Parker declares that it's a piece of shit. Hey, at least they get a whole day to rest before beginning the cycle anew.

He cultivated such an air of mystery that at one time, hardcore superfans thought "John Swartzwelder" was a name shared by several writers -- sort of an opposite Alan Smithee. The fact that there's only one documented sighting of him hasn't done much for these rumors, but it also hasn't stopped the show's animators from dropping him into as many random scenes as possible:

According to the book Seinfeldia, David and Seinfeld "rarely hired" writers with sitcom experience. Between seasons, most of the writers would be fired, and David "would bring in a batch of former stand-ups, use all the best material from their lives for plots ... then start fresh with a new batch of lives to harvest." Yeah, these guys were more or less Nosferatus who lived off of awkward sex stories.

Adding to the weirdness, Seinfeld didn't have a traditional writers' room. Writers would have to track down Larry or Jerry in the "maze" of offices, and pitch ideas either based on their own experiences or the experiences of someone else. One writer, Spike Feresten, went for a meeting with the pair and pitched ten ideas which all bombed. Then, to "lighten the mood," Ferensten started telling them about a mean soup vendor -- at which point, to his utter confusion, they threw him out of the room and said, "That's your first episode." Boom, pure TV magic:

The same writer also based Elaine's terrible dancing on the baffling dance moves of his former boss, SNL creator Lorne "Dr. Evil" Michaels.

Festivus, George's dad's embarrassing alternative to Christmas, was based on one of the actual family traditions of writer Dan O'Keefe, who had to be convinced to let it in by the producers, because he didn't want his "family shame" broadcast in prime time. According to O'Keefe, "The Airing of Grievances" was a real thing, but the aluminum pole was made up for the show, because "the real symbol of the holiday was a clock inside a bag nailed to the wall and nearby a sign that says 'Fuck Fascism.'" Incidentally, has anyone checked to see whether Larry David had a fiancee who perished under mysterious circumstances involving wedding invitations?

La Forge: "Captain, the tech is overteching."

Picard: "Well, route the auxiliary tech to the tech, Mr. La Forge."

La Forge: "No, Captain. Captain, I've tried to tech the tech, and it won't work."

Picard: "Well, then we're doomed."

Of course, you have to wonder if Commander Riker ever snuck into the office at night and changed "tech" to "trombone solo."

And you know what? It fucking worked. With help from a special timeline showing the canonical adventures of everyone's favorite talking trucks stretching back billions of years, the team were able to generate ideas for 14 movies, including a coming-of-age story starring Bumblebee set in the 1980s. Hey, that's not so bad. At some point, they have to do one that doesn't suck, right? Right?

Step 1: YOU. In this case, "You" means Morty, perpetually trapped at the horrifying stage of life called "being 14." Your comfort zone is high school, which sucks, but is at least something you can cope with on a day-to-day basis.

Step 2: NEED. The bully pulls a switchblade on you. It's safe to say you need some help with that. Luckily, your genius alcoholic grandfather shows up in the nick of time and zaps him with a freeze ray because he needs your help.

Step 3: GO. Grandpa Rick's quest requires interdimensional travel today. This takes you out of your comfort zone and into ... Dr. Seuss Land? Don't read too much into it.

Step 4: SEARCH. Transdimensional travel is no picnic. "Searching" and "adapting" generally translate to "running for your life" when you're a Morty.

Step 5: FIND. Payday, baby! In this episode, Rick is after megaseeds, and after a few hiccups -- Morty falls off a cliff and breaks both legs, forcing Rick to go to a dimension with Broken Leg Serum in every corner drugstore -- he finds the seeds.

Step 6: PAY. Nothing is free, even when you're stealing it from another dimension's back yard. Megaseeds aren't exactly legal, so there's only one way to get 'em across the interdimensional border: Morty pays for the seeds first by having to shove them into his anal cavity and then by being forced to engage government bugs in a brutal firefight.

Step 7: RETURN. Now that you've been properly traumatized by your adventure, it's time to get back to the ol' Comfort Zone!

Step 8: CHANGE. The ol' comfort zone ain't so comfortable anymore, now that your head is full of the horrible knowledge that every world in existence is a crazy and chaotic place, and your rectum is full of melting megaseeds. Nothing will ever really be OK again. Now we have a show!

Harmon explains the creative process in his own words on his Tumblr. Once the writing is done, however, it's time for improv and voice work ... both of which involve alcohol.

Our favorite example: For season three's superhero spoof "Vindicators 3: The Return Of Worldender," co-creator Justin Roiland got suuuuper sloppy in order to portray Rick as a literal pants-shitting blackout drunk. Associate producer Sydney Ryan had to deal with that, keeping Roiland from straying too far off-script and too close to vomit territory. You can watch it yourself, followed by a charming little clip of Harmon ironically apologizing to her for having to "wrangle Justin for the performance of a lifetime."

Move right on over, Daniel Day-Lewis.

Marina and Adam can be found on Twitter. Adam also has a newsletter about depressing history which you should definitely, definitely subscribe to.

Miss out on that Rick & Morty poster the day of the sauce release? Here's a quality backup for your living room.

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For more, check out 5 Cheap Tricks TV Shows Use To Keep You Watching and 5 Plotlines Where The Creators Secretly Trolled People.

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