13

The Knell Beetle

Wizards of the Coast

What Is It?

The Knell Beetle is a nine-foot-long flesh-eating insect with a giant trumpet on its head that kind of makes it look like Snidely Whiplash.

Where It Went Wrong:

Clearly this is an example of miscommunication between the writers and the art department.

"We need to make him a bit more menacing. Put a huge horn on its head."

"Huge horn, got it."

12

The Senmurv

Wizards of the Coast

11

The Demi-Lich

Wizards of the Coast

What Is It?

The Demi-Lich is a soul-eating floating skull which bides its time on a galleon full of treasure waiting for the Goonies to show up.

Where It Went Wrong:

Besides looking like a Pirates Of The Caribbean alarm clock, the Demi-Lich seems to possess no tactical advantages of any kind. It just kind of floats around, waiting for a party of heroes to smack it out of the air like a pinata. We suppose it could try to bite you, but the illustration above kind of makes it look like the jaw is fused in place. Man, now we feel sorry for it.

10

The Brain In A Jar

Wizards of the Coast

9

The Digester

Wizards of the Coast

What Is It?

The Digester is a man-sized creature that sprays its digestive juices onto its victims, like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly or the lunch crowd at a Golden Corral.

Where It Went Wrong:

We admit that spitting acid in someone's face is pretty brutal. However, the Digester seems to be in desperate need of a head, and one or two arms. So if that initial blast of bulimic rage goes wide, it's probably screwed. Those talons look nasty, but again, with nothing but two hind legs to support it, the thing is going to go toppling over with the first kick, hilariously sending gastric acid raining down its own torso.

8

Moon Rats

Wizards of the Coast

7

Ash Rats

Wizards of the Coast

What Is It?

Ash Rats are rats that are on fire, all the time, for no explicit reason. This somehow makes them even less dangerous than their aforementioned non-flaming brethren.

Where It Went Wrong:

Walking into a battle while already engulfed in flames puts you at a pretty hefty disadvantage. Realistically, all the heroes have to do is wait a few seconds for the rats to burn down to gristle, or merely kick the damn things out of the way because they're fucking rats.

6

Grell

Wizards of the Coast

5

Atropal

Wizards of the Coast

What Is It?

The Atropal is a stillborn god-fetus risen from the dead to confuse everyone at the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Where It Went Wrong:

Despite possessing godlike powers and being metal as fuck, the Atropal is, at its core, still nothing but a dead fetus. Here's a general rule for undead creatures: If the thing wasn't any kind of threat when it was alive, it's probably not going to be any more of a problem in its slower, decomposing form.

4

Hippocampus

Wizards of the Coast

3

Porcupine Cactus

Wizards of the Coast

What Is It?

The Porcupine Cactus explodes whenever something gets near it, blanketing the surrounding area with a layer of thorns and internal organs. This is gross.

Where It Went Wrong:

Aside from the pointlessly redundant combination (How about an "eel snake"?), the freaking thing blows up at the first sign of activity. Just hide behind a tree and toss a squirrel at it or something.

2

Anguillian

Wizards of the Coast

1

Gelun

Wizards of the Coast

What Is It?

The Gelun is a creature that has to live in the desert to avoid completely freezing into a block of ice, sort of like the exact opposite of Mr. Freeze.

Where it Went Wrong:

Being encased in something that isn't a giant robot suit really limits your combat potential (see Brain in a Jar, above). Really, the Gelun's best hope is that passing bands of adventurers carve its ice prison into an angel or a swan or something instead of chopping its exposed head off.

Note: This article was originally published in June 2009!

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