The 15 Most Idiotic Monsters In Dungeons & Dragons History

What Is It?

A visual approximation of Mufasa infected by The Thing.

Where It Went Wrong:

Besides looking like a microbrew beer mascot created by a designer who badly misread the instructions, the Roving Mauler is little more than a biological liability. Does his head stay still while the rest of his body goes pinwheeling around the desert? What's to keep his neck from snapping? If his head goes spinning around with the rest of his body, how the hell does he see where he's going with the horizon whirling around his field of vision like a kaleidoscope?

And where is his lion dick during all this? We're assuming it's between one of those pairs of legs, so given the options, he's either going to have a dick-chin-beard, a dick-earring, or a dick-devilock. And that's just awkward.

What Is It?

The Gelatinous Cube is an enormous block of ooze that roams through the perfectly square hallways of D&D, devouring anyone foolish enough to walk directly into it.

Where It Went Wrong:

Unless an encounter plays out exactly like the steamroller scene in Austin Powers, we fail to see how the Gelatinous Cube ever kills anybody who's not either glued to the floor or fast asleep. In fact, we're pretty sure the Dungeon Master's Guide reads: The first player to ask "Can't I just get out of the way?" automatically defeats the Gelatinous Cube.

What Is It?

The Knell Beetle is a nine-foot-long flesh-eating insect with a giant trumpet on its head that kind of makes it look like Snidely Whiplash.

Where It Went Wrong:

Clearly this is an example of miscommunication between the writers and the art department.

"We need to make him a bit more menacing. Put a huge horn on its head."

"Huge horn, got it."

Where It Went Wrong:

The Senmurv is what Toby Keith becomes every full moon, and as such, it fails to impress us on any conceivable level. The only thing more ridiculous than picturing this beast clawing feebly through the sky like a Technicolor ValueJet is imagining it trying to stand upright on two hind legs never meant for the task. Actually, more ridiculous still is imagining this beast's conception, which apparently involved a wolf, a giant tropical bird, and painful screeches from within a cloud of neon feathers.

What Is It?

The Demi-Lich is a soul-eating floating skull which bides its time on a galleon full of treasure waiting for the Goonies to show up.

Where It Went Wrong:

Besides looking like a Pirates Of The Caribbean alarm clock, the Demi-Lich seems to possess no tactical advantages of any kind. It just kind of floats around, waiting for a party of heroes to smack it out of the air like a pinata. We suppose it could try to bite you, but the illustration above kind of makes it look like the jaw is fused in place. Man, now we feel sorry for it.

What Is It?

As its name suggests, the Brain in a Jar is a brain in a jar. This is a compromise of its original name, "Brain in a Gnarly H.R. Giger Phallus."

Where It Went Wrong:

... It's a brain in a jar. Just kick it over, who's going to know?

Where It Went Wrong:

Rats that become super smart under the full moon are only useful as villains on Chip And Dale's Rescue Rangers. Sure, they may hatch an ingenious plan to conquer the entire city while sitting around smoking cigars and drinking scotch, but once the sun comes up, they're back to eating diapers out of the garbage. Freeze frame and roll credits.

What Is It?

Ash Rats are rats that are on fire, all the time, for no explicit reason. This somehow makes them even less dangerous than their aforementioned non-flaming brethren.

Where It Went Wrong:

Walking into a battle while already engulfed in flames puts you at a pretty hefty disadvantage. Realistically, all the heroes have to do is wait a few seconds for the rats to burn down to gristle, or merely kick the damn things out of the way because they're fucking rats.

What Is It?

The Grell is a floating beaked brain with jellyfish tentacles.

Where It Went Wrong:

So the D&D world really uses the whole "floating" thing as a crutch to make ridiculous-looking monsters that would never be able to travel on land unless they were strapped into a car seat in the back of a Chevy Malibu. Also, while the Grell is undoubtedly suited for the task of scaring nine-year-olds, we don't feel it would pose a serious challenge to a seven-foot-tall barbarian warrior that drinks the blood of the fallen. That head has the look of something he could incapacitate by poking it really hard with his finger.

What Is It?

The Atropal is a stillborn god-fetus risen from the dead to confuse everyone at the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Where It Went Wrong:

Despite possessing godlike powers and being metal as fuck, the Atropal is, at its core, still nothing but a dead fetus. Here's a general rule for undead creatures: If the thing wasn't any kind of threat when it was alive, it's probably not going to be any more of a problem in its slower, decomposing form.

What Is It?

When you were a little kid and somebody mentioned "seahorses," this is what you pictured in your mind.

Where It Went Wrong:

The Hippocampus simply doesn't seem like it would pose much of a threat. It sort of looks like an ancillary character from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, like its name would be "MerMare" or "Aquaestiran," and it would help the Turtles reach Atlantis before the city gets plundered by Bebop and Rocksteady. That makes us think this creature was intended to be one of the good guys, but would something working for the forces of good have that douchey chin beard?

What Is It?

The Porcupine Cactus explodes whenever something gets near it, blanketing the surrounding area with a layer of thorns and internal organs. This is gross.

Where It Went Wrong:

Aside from the pointlessly redundant combination (How about an "eel snake"?), the freaking thing blows up at the first sign of activity. Just hide behind a tree and toss a squirrel at it or something.

Where It Went Wrong:

Buddy, you've got a mouth lined with thousands of razor-sharp teeth and huge terrifying crab claws for hands. You do not need to try to jab people with a sharpened stick.