4

Vampires Would Have To Buy Their Own Coffins

"Coffins. Coffins, unfortunately, are a necessity," says Brad Pitt in your dangerously unhinged aunt's favorite movie, Interview With The Vampire. But have you ever considered the practical reality of that? For the nosferatu on a budget, we suppose they could steal one from a graveyard, but it would probably be like stealing a used condom: gross and smelling like old stiffs.

Buying a new casket comes with its own set of problems. First, you'd have to invent some sob story about yourself or a loved one dying soon. We have no idea what kind of web of lies you'd have to spin for the funeral house to let you climb inside a coffin and test out its lumbar support. Plus, low-end coffins start at around $1,000, with the more pimped-out models going for $10,000 and up.

Warner Bros. Pictures

3

A Mummy's Worst Enemy Would Be YouTube

In the 1999 Mummy movie, the resurrected priest Imhotep was the entire Xavier Institute crammed into one bronzed, bald package. He was immortal, super strong, invulnerable, could suck out people's life force, turned into sandstorms, etc. He basically had no weaknesses. Except for cats. In one scene, Brendan Fraser manages to scare the titular Mummy away by showing him a cat. Imhotep takes one look at it and instantly bolts out the window.

Universal Pictures

This makes a lot of sense, seeing as how cats were considered guardians of the underworld in ancient Egyptian mythology, and Imhotep's soul was supposed to be cursed in the afterlife. And today, all of us carry around a way to display lifelike images of cats at a second's notice. If that ancient Egyptian priest rose from the dead in 2017, any old schmo would be able to stop him dead just by taking their phone out and opening up YouTube.

2

Stopping A Werewolf Would Be Incredibly Simple

What, you thought we were done ruining werewolves for you? If Hollywood won't stop, then why should we?

Have you ever wondered why the Wolf Man remake kept the story confined to the 19th century and the countryside, instead of updating it to modern times and a big city? Because that's what An American Werewolf In London did, and we'd like to remind you how long the titular character was able to stalk the UK capital, killing people: two nights, after which he was easily shot dead by police.

Universal Pictures

When you get down to it, a werewolf is nothing but a really big animal, with animal intelligence, and humanity's entire origin story boils down to learning how to kill bigger animals. That's why we invented all sorts of weapons and, most importantly, traps. Let's say a werewolf was loose in your city, and due to immense lobbying from the furry community, we decided to capture it instead of kill it. For that we have bear traps, tranquilizer guns, those poles with loops on the end -- you name it. And if worse came to worse, there's always the nuclear option: a Super Soaker filled with tap water.

1

Flying Around On A Broomstick Would Be Crazy Dangerous

Flying about in big metal tubes powered by exploding dinosaurs might sound like witchcraft, but actual witches still prefer the old broomstick. There are some big problems with that, though: When flying out in the open with no protection from the elements, you face the same issues as World War I pilots in their open-c**kpit biplanes, with bugs, fog, and rain hitting you in the face all the time. That's why old-timey pilots wore those huge scarves: to clean all that gunk off their goggles. Interestingly, you also don't ever see that on witches. Another thing that WWI pilots needed were warm woolen jackets, because it tends to get cold up in the night sky. And while silky black dresses are great for maintaining that "Bride of Satan" image, they don't do much against frostbite.

So a modern witch would need an insulated jacket, goggles, a wipin' rag, some kind of broom-mounted windshield, and preferably night vision gear. That last part would be necessary to spot and avoid birds. According to the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA), kamikaze birds are one of the most dangerous things in the sky, right after Delta Airlines, with more than 9,000 birds crashing into U.S. airplanes per year.

Warner Bros. Pictures

Witches probably wouldn't fly as fast as airplanes, and they don't have engines to wreck, but geese would still be a problem. Just ask Fabio.

Steven is a short, freaky -- wait, no -- Steven *writes* short freaky stories you can read for free. He's also on Twitter and Facebook (obviously).

We can't claim this is an actual magical, monster-killing device but it can't hurt to have a couple around if you're ever having supernatural problems.

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