Cape Ground Squirrels Suck Their Own Gigantic Dicks
Oral sex isn't a human invention, though we were the first species smart enough to film it and put it on the internet. Many animals, from brown bears to bats, like to get down on the lowdown. But none of them are kinkier than the Cape ground squirrel, a rodent from Southern Africa that can pull a full Bannon.
Researcher Jane Waterman spent 2,000 hours squirrel-watching in Namibia, which consisted mostly of trying not to make eye contact as solitary male squirrels blew themselves. And it's not just because they're flexible; Cape ground squirrel wangs are gigantic relative to their size, more than 40 percent of their entire body length. A human of such proportions would have a penis roughly 28 inches long.
You want to know more, you say?
Oh, you didn't? Too bad.
The squirrels use both paws to stabilize and masturbate themselves during their autofellatio, which usually ends with them swallowing their own load.
If you're having trouble mentally picturing that, here's an image of it to burn onto your eyes.
Waterman believes they are clearing their urinary tracts after sex to prevent STDs, like when humans get an urge to pee after sex. But since the squirrels live in an arid environment, they can't afford to waste any water. Therefore, they autofellate and swallow the byproduct to avoid dehydration.
We're sure that's how the squirrels explained it when she first caught them.
Male Cuttlefish Crossdress Their Way Into Threesomes
Cuttlefish are skillful, intelligent mimics, and it should come as no surprise that they use their shapeshifting to get laid, because that is exactly what most people would do in their situation. Smaller cuttlefish often get bullied by larger males, but they have a cunning revenge tactic. A beta cuttlefish will tuck in his male tentacles, change his markings to resemble a female, and signal his interest ... in the bully. The larger male, always happy for more female company, lets the camouflaged beta get close to his female. The impostor then stalls until the male cuttlefish is busy fending off rivals or working on his truck, then swims up to the lady and passes her a packet of his sperm. The female, presumably impressed with the rival cuttlefish's intelligence, might then use this packet to fertilize her eggs.