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Cape Ground Squirrels Suck Their Own Gigantic Dicks

Oral sex isn't a human invention, though we were the first species smart enough to film it and put it on the internet. Many animals, from brown bears to bats, like to get down on the lowdown. But none of them are kinkier than the Cape ground squirrel, a rodent from Southern Africa that can pull a full Bannon.

Researcher Jane Waterman spent 2,000 hours squirrel-watching in Namibia, which consisted mostly of trying not to make eye contact as solitary male squirrels blew themselves. And it's not just because they're flexible; Cape ground squirrel wangs are gigantic relative to their size, more than 40 percent of their entire body length. A human of such proportions would have a penis roughly 28 inches long.

You want to know more, you say?

Oh, you didn't? Too bad.

The squirrels use both paws to stabilize and masturbate themselves during their autofellatio, which usually ends with them swallowing their own load.

Mytho/iStock

5

Male Cuttlefish Crossdress Their Way Into Threesomes

Cuttlefish are skillful, intelligent mimics, and it should come as no surprise that they use their shapeshifting to get laid, because that is exactly what most people would do in their situation. Smaller cuttlefish often get bullied by larger males, but they have a cunning revenge tactic. A beta cuttlefish will tuck in his male tentacles, change his markings to resemble a female, and signal his interest ... in the bully. The larger male, always happy for more female company, lets the camouflaged beta get close to his female. The impostor then stalls until the male cuttlefish is busy fending off rivals or working on his truck, then swims up to the lady and passes her a packet of his sperm. The female, presumably impressed with the rival cuttlefish's intelligence, might then use this packet to fertilize her eggs.

Sheree Marris/BBC

4

Female Barbary Macaques Control Male's Orgasms By Strategic Screaming

In 2007, German scientists conducted a study which they themselves admitted was "quite weird, but it's science." While spying on Barbary macaques having dirty sex in Gibraltar, the scientists learned that females of the species like to scream during the act, and that the males cannot orgasm without those screams. Whenever a lady macaque closed her eyes and thought of English colonization without getting vocal, 98 percent of the males could not ejaculate.

It's believed the females make noises to advertise their fertility, which helps get males to their happy place more quickly. What's especially interesting is that the females will sometimes change their moans mid-coitus from sexy to unsexy, thus delaying their partner's orgasm. Maybe they do it to extend their pleasure ... or maybe it's just to mess with their partner's heads. Monkeys are jerks.

3

Sea Turtles Screw For A Full Day, Piggyback-Style

When it comes to sea turtle sex, the female has to do most of the heavy lifting. That is not a figure of speech; when two sea turtles get their bump and grind on, the female carries the male on her back, and is responsible for occasionally surfacing for air so that the pair doesn't drown. But the male isn't just hitching the best ride of his life -- he has to be on the lookout for (and usually fight) other males trying to push him off and take his place.

2

Andean Flamingos Choose Their Mates Via Brutal Line Dancing

Experts still aren't totally sure why the Andean flamingo decided to make its home in the South American Andes, an area so caustic with sodium that the main source of food is algae with a side of hot, salty nothing. We'd like to venture our own theory about that: The Andes are the only place the Andean flamingo can be fairly sure that nobody will see it dance.

1

Gray Whales Have Sex Atop The Greatest Wingman Ever

Here's everything you need to know about gray whales: They are critically endangered, they mainly hang out in the northern Pacific Ocean, and they are the politest animals on the entire planet. During gray whale mating season, two males will approach one female and courteously ask if she's already bought a ticket to bonetown, and if not, would she like to book one now? The female will choose one of the males by gently caressing him with her fins, and the rejected male will go on to become a Nazi on the internet.