Sex is usually a boring, routine, emotionless affair. But enough about our lives; it's the same way in the animal kingdom. The state of animal sex lives is how we know that Mother Nature is definitely married, and has been for a really, really long time. But sometimes nature reads a Cosmo article and gets some ... ideas.
Oral sex isn't a human invention, though we were the first species smart enough to film it and put it on the internet. Many animals, from brown bears to bats, like to get down on the lowdown. But none of them are kinkier than the Cape ground squirrel, a rodent from Southern Africa that can pull a full Bannon.
Researcher Jane Waterman spent 2,000 hours squirrel-watching in Namibia, which consisted mostly of trying not to make eye contact as solitary male squirrels blew themselves. And it's not just because they're flexible; Cape ground squirrel wangs are gigantic relative to their size, more than 40 percent of their entire body length. A human of such proportions would have a penis roughly 28 inches long.
You want to know more, you say?
Oh, you didn't? Too bad.
The squirrels use both paws to stabilize and masturbate themselves during their autofellatio, which usually ends with them swallowing their own load.
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Waterman believes they are clearing their urinary tracts after sex to prevent STDs, like when humans get an urge to pee after sex. But since the squirrels live in an arid environment, they can't afford to waste any water. Therefore, they autofellate and swallow the byproduct to avoid dehydration.
Right.
We're sure that's how the squirrels explained it when she first caught them.
Cuttlefish are skillful, intelligent mimics, and it should come as no surprise that they use their shapeshifting to get laid, because that is exactly what most people would do in their situation. Smaller cuttlefish often get bullied by larger males, but they have a cunning revenge tactic. A beta cuttlefish will tuck in his male tentacles, change his markings to resemble a female, and signal his interest ... in the bully. The larger male, always happy for more female company, lets the camouflaged beta get close to his female. The impostor then stalls until the male cuttlefish is busy fending off rivals or working on his truck, then swims up to the lady and passes her a packet of his sperm. The female, presumably impressed with the rival cuttlefish's intelligence, might then use this packet to fertilize her eggs.
A particularly bold impostor will even pass his ejaculate to the female while simultaneously flirting with the male. He'll dart between them and camouflage half his body, displaying his male strips to the female and his female blotches to the male, like he's playing every part in a porn parody of Ocean's 11.
In 2007, German scientists conducted a study which they themselves admitted was "quite weird, but it's science." While spying on Barbary macaques having dirty sex in Gibraltar, the scientists learned that females of the species like to scream during the act, and that the males cannot orgasm without those screams. Whenever a lady macaque closed her eyes and thought of English colonization without getting vocal, 98 percent of the males could not ejaculate.
It's believed the females make noises to advertise their fertility, which helps get males to their happy place more quickly. What's especially interesting is that the females will sometimes change their moans mid-coitus from sexy to unsexy, thus delaying their partner's orgasm. Maybe they do it to extend their pleasure ... or maybe it's just to mess with their partner's heads. Monkeys are jerks.
When it comes to sea turtle sex, the female has to do most of the heavy lifting. That is not a figure of speech; when two sea turtles get their bump and grind on, the female carries the male on her back, and is responsible for occasionally surfacing for air so that the pair doesn't drown. But the male isn't just hitching the best ride of his life -- he has to be on the lookout for (and usually fight) other males trying to push him off and take his place.
And male sea turtles truly commit to their mates. They use specialized, sharpened sex claws on their front flippers to lock onto females, withstanding violent turtle cockblock attempts for up to 24 hours, all while never losing their erection.
Heroes? Perhaps that's too strong a word. Perhaps ...
Experts still aren't totally sure why the Andean flamingo decided to make its home in the South American Andes, an area so caustic with sodium that the main source of food is algae with a side of hot, salty nothing. We'd like to venture our own theory about that: The Andes are the only place the Andean flamingo can be fairly sure that nobody will see it dance.
You've seen the bizarre, crowded dance that flamingos do before, either on nature specials or (more likely) grainy GIFs on Reddit. It's actually a perfectly choreographed mating ritual which can last up to a month before they're all paired up.
They don't eat, or even rest while the ritual is happening -- which, again, can take an entire month. Yeah, it's goofy-looking, but it's pretty hardcore. It's like if somebody combined line-dancing with an epic Iron Man Marathon.
Here's everything you need to know about gray whales: They are critically endangered, they mainly hang out in the northern Pacific Ocean, and they are the politest animals on the entire planet. During gray whale mating season, two males will approach one female and courteously ask if she's already bought a ticket to bonetown, and if not, would she like to book one now? The female will choose one of the males by gently caressing him with her fins, and the rejected male will go on to become a Nazi on the internet.
Oh wait, no, that's just what humans do.
The rejected male gray whale will hang around and help the couple have sex, like a fucking gentleman.
The rejected male props the fucking couple up so that they don't float away or sink too deep to come up for air. This may last for up to an hour, during which the couple will have sex many, many times. Some scientists believe that this behavior is less about cooperation and more about whale sloppy seconds. And indeed, sometimes the second male tags in after his buddy finishes -- but only after getting an OK from the female, because again, whales are so much better at this than humans.
Every time you hug a cuddly sea turtle, think of all the kinky sex it's been having.
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Ivan Farkas
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