8 Actual Movie Posters That Are Hilarious Disasters
The business of making movies demands perfection. Even a turd like Fant4stic Four had a group of devoted professionals backstage making sure that the lighting and sound perfectly captured every second of unwatchable terribleness. So it's always baffling when, after all that effort, studios just pay the rubber-cement-huffing intern to whip up a poster in five minutes. How else do you explain ...
All Of The Hands Are Terrifying In This Logan Poster
Unless they're born at full-size like Andre The Giant, kids tend to be rather tiny. But the Logan poster overstates this fact by blessing X-23 with creepshow Slenderman digits and Wolverine with titanic salami fingers festooned upon a baseball-mitt-sized palm:
Maybe Logan's carrying a separate set of severed fingers he just cut off someone else?
That poster is a bit like the X-Men continuity in general: It seems to make sense at a quick glance, but it might trigger an aneurysm if you start thinking too hard about it. Here, someone from Reddit made it a bit clearer:
Her mutant power is tickling your eardrum while you sleep.
Civil War ... The Dance-Off!
Judging from these posters, the first draft of Civil War saw the Avengers gang split into two rival squads competing for the Sesquentennial Stark International Pop-And-Lock Championships. Black Panther and Vision are the obvious MVPs, whereas Falcon showed up crazy hungover:
Bucky was supposed to dab, but that arm is heavy as hell.
Those You Got Served-esque poses up top are exceptionally goofy-- until you consider the geometry of madness that is the poster's lower half. Why is everybody standing so close together on an empty airfield? Are they sitting on the ground? Is the ground quicksand? Have Ant-Man's powers gone haywire and turned everyone into toddler-sized versions of themselves? (Aw rats, we got so cheeky we now sincerely want to watch that movie.)
Assassin's Creed Is Infinite Michael Fassbenders
"OK, so our Assassin's Creed movie sucks, but Michael Fassbender is in it. What do we put on the poster?"
"Simple: just fill it with a goddamn million Michael Fassbenders jumping and pouncing and flouncing about like they're auditioning for Cirque du Soleil during a five-alarm fire. Oh, and then we Georgia O'Keeffe that shit. It's an art movie, right?"
"Uh, it cost $125 million."
"Do it anyway."
"This Christmas, your destiny is 'shrooms!"
Seriously, the designer just put Michael Fassbender everywhere they could, the unfortunate side-effect of which is to make him look like he's erupting from another character's crotch like a Michael Fassbaby.
That, or he got hit with a gamma bomb.
The rest of the poster is just his Fass-hands and Fass-feet. To the people that dig Michael Fassbender, this must be the closest to porn after that NC-17 movie he did -- to all the rest, however, it's the visual equivalent of saying "Michael Fassbender" over and over and Michael and Fassbender again until it loses all Michael and you begin to Fass what a Bender even Bender is Bender Fass Michael.
Bender Bender Michael Michael? Fass.
Martin Freeman Is Oh-No Baggins In The Desolation Of Smaug
We've mentioned once or twice or three times that Peter Jackson may have overdone it with the CGI in his The Hobbit trilogy. Since Jackson wasn't his own first choice to direct these movies, he had little time to prep production, leaving CGI to fill out the details that were overlooked/no one could give a shit about enough to fix. Like, for instance, Martin Freeman's face:
They took this photo just as they told him The Hobbit would be three movies and not one.
In addition to being forced to wear his grandmother's finest frock, Martin Freeman's hellish waxwork countenance was apparently digitally altered by someone with no reference materials, artistic ability, eyes, or a human soul.
"We must travel from the Shire, through the Uncanny Valley, to Lonely Mountain."
Behold The Fear That Is Jessica Alba's Torso
In December 1980, John Lennon and Yoko Ono posed for the front cover of Rolling Stone. The photo -- of Yoko laying on a bed whilst a totally naked John clung to her hip like a baby monkey -- became a powerful symbol of the couple's love after his assassination mere hours later.
And in 2007, this pose was recreated for the poster for Good Luck Chuck. A naked Dane Cook's knee obscured the fact that Jessica Alba is a one-armed tubemeat giant whose small intestines do not coil for reasons utterly unbeknownst to human anatomy. It's great to see a Hollywood film bravely shed the yoke of oppressive physiology standards.
The predator remains supine, so that she can coil around her quarry and choke him to death.
The Hunger Games Suck At Kerning
Way back in 2015, the marketing machine for Mockingjay: Part 2 was in full swing, so the official social media accounts for the film ran this image telling fans it was only "100 days until" the premiere. Instead, due to a bizarre miscalculation in typesetting, they ended up saying "10 [Big Ol' Expletive] Il Days," which sounds more like the name of a Lil Wayne album.
Not to be confused with the famed boner pill, Hard 10 Days.
Obviously, this wholesome movie about child murder wanted nothing to do with that type of language, and the promo was quickly canned. But let's be realistic, folks -- in a dystopia, everybody's going to be swearing their butts off.
Nic Cage Has A Penis Finger In Bangkok Dangerous
Here's a poster for a Nic Cage movie nobody gave a shit about. Drink it in for a second:
Somehow, this movie predates Nic Cage's problems with the IRS.
Here, take a closer look, and that's all we're going to say about that:
More than 1,307 people would've seen this movie if it was called Dick Finger, Private Dick.
That Episode Of Saved By The Bell Where Bruce Willis Is A Tumor Growing Out Of Zack Morris's Arm
Whenever a movie poster features two rival stars, they'll usually position them so that they're back-to-back or facing off against each other. It's an easy shorthand for "Wow, this movie stars human beings with opposing goals!" But the 2016 Bruce Willis/Mark-Paul Gosselaar drama Precious Cargo bucked convention with this brave slice of body horror:
And now, 5 percent of you have a new kink that's no longer dormant.
Admittedly, we haven't seen this 0-percent-on-Rotten-Tomatoes extravaganza, but we're assuming that Screech zaps Zack with his untested Screech-O Ray so that Zack can beat Slater at the Muscle Contest, but instead the radiation causes the droopy, oncogenetic visage of John McClane to grow out of Zack's elbow. (Zack wins, as Slater can't stop barfing at the sight of him.)
Also, all of his arm's lines are X-rated repartees directed at an underage Kelly Kapowski.
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