In 2009, an oil company worker in Illinois claimed he had found a dead mouse in his can of Mountain Dew. After spending the appropriate amount of time vomiting, he contacted Pepsi to inform them of their rodent problem. The company, instead of informing the customer he had taken part in a trial run of their new mouse-enhanced flavor (like New Coke, only less disgusting), immediately sent down a representative to secure the crime scene. However, by the time one of their poor interns had schlepped all the way to Madison County, the incriminating evidence had already been destroyed, hopefully with a tasteful burial and the notification of the next-of-kin.
"Mrs. Mouse, your husband died doing what he loved: the Dew."
The Illinois man still sued the company for over $75,000 for rodent-based emotional trauma. But Pepsi was sure that this was an open-and-shut case -- not because even a dead mouse could smell this scam from a mile away, though. During the very brief trial, Pepsi paraded a bunch of "experts" who could scientifically disprove that a mouse carcass could have been floating around in the Dew, pointing out that the soft drink's contents are waaay too toxic for that. Instead, what the oil man should have found, according to one expert, was a "jelly-like substance," with all the mousy parts having been dissolved by the refreshing battery acid that is Mountain Dew, like some rodent rendition of the barrel scenes in Breaking Bad.
And you were only worried about your sperm count.
However, despite the insurmountable evidence in their favor, Pepsi settled out of court, its lawyer hastily stating that the matter "was settled for an undisclosed sum. It's a done deal, and both parties are on their way" as he probably sprinted away from the courtroom. Sounds like the company had to pay a "we mentioned jellied mice" tax to get the story out of the morning shows circulation as quickly as possible.
For more of his attempts at witticisms or his famous recipes for toilet wine, do follow Cedric on Twitter.
Let's keep the lawsuits rolling in 5 Baffling Dick Moves That Won Actual Lawsuits and 6 Famous 'Frivolous Lawsuit' Stories That Are Total B.S..
Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out Why No Cop Show On TV Is Accurate (Yes, Even 'The Wire'), and other videos you won't see on the site!
Follow us on Facebook, and we'll follow you everywhere.