6 WTF Scenes That 100% Happened Off-Screen In Big Movies

6

Kong: Skull Island -- King Kong Definitely Eats His Own Crap

In making Kong: Skull Island, the filmmakers had to take a few liberties when it came to gorilla facts such as size, aggression, and love of kidnapping petite blondes. If we assume that everything else stays the same, however, you can indulge yourself in the knowledge that this cinematic icon likes to spend his off time excitedly chowing down his own mega-turds.

Yeah, it turns out that's a thing gorillas do all the goddamn time.

Warner Bros. Pictures Let's just say this is definitely not the grossest thing that's been in his mouth.

Let's do some math -- poop math. In Skull Island, Kong is 100 feet tall. Given that the maximum average height and weight of a male gorilla is 6.6 feet and 550 pounds, that gives Kong a weight of 8,250 pounds. The biggest gorillas also consume 8,000 calories a day, so scaling that figure gives us a daily caloric intake of 120,000, taken mostly from fruit and plants (notoriously difficult foodstuffs to digest). The end result of all this, and you'll have to pardon the expression, is a shitload of waste ... which he'll then need to gobble up immediately after, in order to get a do-over on any nutrients that he missed the first time. We've probably said it before, but Mother Nature is a freak.

Warner Bros. Pictures The sequel will be called 2 Kongs 1 Cup.

And while we're at it: Who the fuck is cleaning up after the dragons in Game Of Thrones? If they're anything like Komodo dragons -- and they totally are, because a) those are the largest species of lizard in the world, and b) we just said so -- those fire-breathing monsters would consume about 80 percent of their body weight in a single sitting. In terms of backend output, scale that up according to how much those dragons weigh (there's no official figure, but this guy estimated it at 5,700 pounds.) and times the figure by three, and voila! You've found out what the worst job in Westeros is: Chief Poop Scooper to the Mother of Dragons.

Daenerys' poop here." width="350" height="193" class="lazy" data-src="https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/9/9/3/614993_v2.jpg" />HBOWe're not even counting Daenerys' poop here.

5

Westworld -- Someone Has To Test Out And Maintain The Sexbots

HBO's Westworld is about a western-themed robot land that also touts itself as the best theme park in the universe, and it's not hard to agree. Visitors can explore miles and miles of terrain without encountering a single screaming child, drink as much as they like, and murder strangers with wild abandon. Oh, and screw whomever they like, whenever they like, and in wherever it can fit. We'd compare it to a sex-filled Disneyland, but a) that's normal Disneyland, and b) they don't let you get to third base with the Hall of Presidents.

HBO There are no humans allowed in the after-hours prezbot orgies.

But, let's think this through. Westworld is a theme park, which means that everything is optimized for the enjoyment of their guests. And we mean everything. If people are paying new car money to have sex with robots, it has to be the best goddamn ride of their lives. And how do they ensure that? By hiring people to try out the prototypes, duh. If you think tasting free cheese samples at the supermarket is the height of free shit, wait until someone offers you the chance to test out how Sexy Farmhand Model #2587 handles. All you have to do is hang onto something, fill out a questionnaire afterwards, and ignore anyone who asks why you're walking like that.

4

X-Men 2 -- The Team Triumphantly Returned To A Trashed, Corpse-Strewn Mansion

In X-Men 2: Screw You Bryan Singer, We're Never Calling It X2, the main villain and his special forces team assault the X-Mansion and get their shit wrecked by Wolverine.

20th Century Fox That guy on the left shat himself with such strength that the force propelled him off the ground.

It's a supremely badass moment, but have you ever stopped to think about what happened to all those corpses? Once the bad guys are defeated for good, the X-Men had to come back to their cozy mansion for some celebratory beers and brooding -- only to find it brimming with dead bodies, most of which have been lying there for several days. That is, if we can even call them "bodies" at this point. When we interviewed a crime-scene cleaner, they made sure to point out that people are basically skin condoms filled with grease and liquefied fat. Once you stop breathing, all those fluids start seeping out like a final "fuck you" to the world.

20th Century Fox This, more or less.

3

Gattaca -- Parents Have To Decide The Size Of Their Child's Junk

In the cult classic Gattaca, Jude Law and Uma Thurman are perfect beings created through genetic manipulation. In this world, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much, they bring their parenting licenses to the nearest superhospital and sign up for BYOB (Build Your Own Baby). Your standard uberbaby comes with a staggeringly high IQ, the eyes of a falcon, the teeth of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, absolutely no cancer risks, and the rest of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

Jesse Grant/Getty Images for Disney Spoiler alert: Your uberbaby is Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

2

The Truman Show -- The Outside World Must Be An Existential Nightmare

The Truman Show is set in a far-out alternate reality where humans are capable of watching Jim Carrey for more than two hours at a time. In fact, aside from a small group of protestors, everyone in this world loves the titular 24-hour reality TV show. People get together in bars to watch Truman floss his teeth or take a crap like it's the World Series.

Paramount Pictures "C'mon, baby. I got $50 riding on ten corn pieces."

1

Spider-Man -- Spidey Had To Carry Norman Osborn's Nude Corpse Back Home

You can be forgiven for not knowing the plot of the original Spider-Man film, considering that's the cinematic equivalent of remembering the birth of the universe. Spider-Man sees Spider-Man learn to Spider-Man and understand that great power comes with great responsibility, but not a great sense of anatomy, as the film ends with Norman Osborn (aka the Green Goblin) getting bisected by his own glider.

Columbia Pictures Ooof, right in the "pumpkin bombs."

Spider-Man returns Norman's body to his home out of pity, only to be discovered by Harry Osborn and have vengeance sworn against him. Obviously, Harry doesn't know his dad was the Green Goblin, because Spider-Man delivered the corpse wrapped in nothing but a sheet. Which begs the question: Where did the body armor go? It's not next to Norman's body, so we can assume that Spider-Man removed it at the scene or on a nearby rooftop. He then swung the remaining distance holding the naked body of one of the world's most famous industrialists, his Peen Goblin flapping in the breeze like an erotic windsock.

Columbia Pictures "I had to web certain parts down ... It almost turned into parasailing."