5

There's No Such Thing As A "Photographic Memory"

In movies (usually Matt Damon ones), having a photographic memory means you can take mental "snapshots" of anything you see and then recall that image down to the smallest detail. Jason Bourne can glance at a map and then navigate foreign streets perfectly, while the titular character in Good Will Hunting is able to recall the exact page something is on in order to humiliate a douchebag in a college bar (which is far more badass than being a secret agent).

Miramax
"And if you look at page 69 of the Kama Sutra, you'll find the pose I did with your ma."

The level of detail is so uncanny that it allows the main character in Psych to regularly fool people into thinking he has magic powers ... but this is totally a real thing, right? Nope, not really. In decades and decades of studies and research, scientists have only been able to find one person with anything resembling Hollywood's idea of a "photographic memory," and it was in less than ideal circumstances (she married the scientist who found her and he stopped studying her, presumably because he was tired of losing every argument).

Now, there is something called eidetic memory, but it's not the same thing -- eidetic images only last for several minutes at most, and can sometimes be destroyed just by blinking. It isn't really a photograph so much as it is a chemically unstable Polaroid. On top that, they're not really that accurate. The Bourne movies apparently omitted all the scenes of Damon stopping his chases to ask for directions.

Universal Pictures
"Still better than Apple Maps."

4

The Untraceable, Fast-Acting, Unbeatable Poison Isn't A Thing

Another favorite tool of the cinematic spymaster is the ultra-poison. You know the one: The kind that acts instantly, has no antidote (and thus never fails), and never shows up in autopsies, like some kind of chemical ninja. This trope is so tired that you can pick up one of many Agatha Christie books from roughly a half century ago and find her characters mocking it, including two separate times in one short-story collection.

via AgathaChristie.com
Above: Agatha Christie reacting to your mystery thriller idea.

Movies like You Only Live Twice and From Russia With Love feature characters being injected with poison and dying after a few seconds of choking and/or heavy breathing. Then there's the perfectly untraceable poison used in shows like Monk and Dexter. If we have poisons that perfect, why are murders committed in literally any other way?

In case you aren't familiar with this article's premise by now: That's not a thing that exists. First of all, poisoning isn't an exact tactic: Different people respond to different substances ... well, differently. One of the reasons people survive poisoning attempts is that there's no universal dosage that works on everyone; it's not like the killer can get you to try different things and adjust accordingly, like he's your psychiatrist. Another reason is that we actually have lots of antidotes for poisons -- here's one for freaking cyanide.

Cyanokit
James Bond's entire medicine kit is just six of these and twelve gonorrhea shots.

3

"Smart" Drugs Don't Actually Make You Smarter

You've probably seen ads on random websites for "The Real-Life Limitless Drug Only Available in [Your State] That Boosts Brainpower!" or something very much like that. "Limitless," of course, refers to Limitless, the Bradley Cooper movie about a man who takes a nootropic drug which unlocks the full potential of his brain, allowing him to play the stock market with perfect accuracy and actually finish a book (holy shit!), among other feats. Then there is Lucy, which takes the concept of brain-enhancing drugs, adds Scarlett Johansson, and turbocharges them both until she is basically a wizard.

via CollegeTrendsDaily.com
"Side effects: Extreme cerebral herpes."

We've already talked about how the "you only use 10 percent of your brain" tidbit is one of those things scientists describe as "not true," so that's a big clue that this is silly. Setting that aside, though, we come to the point that that's actually not even how nootropic drugs work. College students and wide-eyed Silicon Valley stereotypes with messianic delusions who take these pills may feel smarter, but that's likely because the drugs make you less tired and less bored. That's not nothing, but it's also not Limitless. Hell, it's not even The Hangover.

Warner Bros.
Hate to break this to you, but getting blackout drunk doesn't have this effect either.

2

Catharsis Isn't A Magic Way To Relieve Aggression (In Other Words, The Purge Would Fail)

The Purge has almost instantly become part of our pop culture landscape, thanks to the universal nature of its premise (about a world where instead of Flag Day or something, we have a holiday where all crime is legal). The idea that we all have hidden reservoirs of aggression and antisocial impulses waiting to be let out is compelling. After all, who among us hasn't thought of committing a series of daring bank heists while completely in the nude just to feel alive?

Universal Pictures
They'd call us "The Teabag Bandits" (editorially mandated movie screencap unrelated).

The notion that we have violent tendencies lurking inside us and that we can "cool off" once we have expressed them is called catharsis theory, and it's everywhere from The Purge to tortured justifications for supporting high school football. How many times were we told, as children, to punch pillows to let off some steam? Basically, by letting out our inner Joe Pesci every once in a while, we prevent ourselves from being all Pesci, all the time.

The one problem with this theory is that once researchers started testing it, they realized that the exact opposite was true. As we have mentioned once or twice, unleashing your anger to "blow off steam" actually leaves you angrier. In fact, the better you feel after venting, the angrier you are, because you've just spent all that time wallowing in it. And that's why you know basically no one who turns into a raging asshole only once a year and has perfect control of his emotions the rest of the time.

Universal Pictures
Believe it or not, this guy is most likely a dick in his regular life, too.

1

Brainwashing Is A Cold War-Era Myth

"Brainwashing" can mean a lot of things these days, so let's be clear: We're not talking about propaganda, manipulation, indoctrinating children, or buying Apple products. By brainwashing, we mean actively converting someone's mind against their will to hold beliefs or act in ways which are contrary to their starting principles, essentially overwriting their personality. You see it in films such as The Manchurian Candidate, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, and Captain America: Civil War, because we definitely needed two whole films centered around Cap's sidekick going evil.

Marvel Studios

Marvel Studios
At this point, the restraints technically count as his superhero costume.

Brainwashing first entered American consciousness as we began to be concerned about communism. Why would American POWs collaborate with the enemy and make false confessions? The Reds must have some secret technique capable of forcibly converting them! It was horrifying and inhuman ... and naturally, the CIA decided to get in on this action with the MKUltra mind control project (and its lesser known, sex-obsessed cousin). When the Unification Church became a thing in America, parents believed their children joined because they were brainwashed, and paid lots of money to have them be "deprogrammed." This hysteria eventually subsided, but the idea of brainwashing stuck around -- it's still a common trope in everything from comics to games to cartoons to pro wrestling.

BBC

CBS Television Distribution

shstrng/Wiki Commons
Examples in increasing order of ridiculousness.

Sure, it is possible to persuade some people to do something through extreme peer pressure and such, but somehow we don't think the CIA was worried about Americans being told that all the cool kids were trying communism. The truth is that brainwashing as we understand it doesn't exist. Like most endeavors that involve buying a shitload of drugs, the CIA ended up declaring MKUltra a failure -- the very head of the project eventually declared it useless. It turns out that all those Commie-captured POWs we were worried about were just the victims of traditional techniques, and, once free, stayed "converted" for about as long as the McRib's annual appearance in America.

The American Psychological Association later reached the same conclusion about the Unification Church and other such movements: they aren't capable of brainwashing people, which probably explains why there's not many of them. Coercing them, maybe, but that's different. The church's persuasive powers were about on the level of multilevel marketing or dancing street gangs.

United Artists
"We're a-singing and a-dancing and a-prancing because of PEER PRESSURE!"

Nimby Smith has some scripts available, including a mystery with no untraceable poisons, if any fancy Hollywood agents are interested. And even if they aren't yet. Just in case, some contact information: nimby dot writer at gmail dot com.

Since there's no magic pill for improving your mind, try some fun brain exercise games instead, featuring Despicable Me!

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Also check out 5 Ways Movies Say You Can Die (That Science Says Are Wrong) and 5 'Scientific' Movies That Actively Hate Science.

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