The Koch Brothers Were Born From A Crucible Filled With Nazi Feces! No, Really!
The Koch brothers, Charles and David, have been manipulating the world of politics for a very, very long time. Their last name is actually pronounced "Coke," but don't let that dissuade you from thinking that the pair are a couple of dicks. There's a lot of money in being evil, and so, so much of that money comes from the Koch brothers.
MSNBC"Say what you will, but at least Ernst Blofeld was a self-made man. James Bond was just a government parasite."
Chuck and Davie, who have almost certainly never gone by those names, made their fortune the old-fashioned way: through oil, chemicals, and dead parents. And, like any self-respecting corporate antagonist, they now pour their considerable worth into fighting against science and rational thought. They fund studies and politicians that deny the existence of global warming, and they give generously to the cause of keeping people from giving generously to the poor. The point is, they're villains from a Captain Planet cartoon made flesh. But what made them like this?
It all started with the grittiest possible reboot of Mary Poppins. Now, whenever you discuss politics, the word "Nazi" gets thrown around a lot. It's usually unfair, but in this case it's unavoidable -- because David and Charles Koch were raised by a literal Nazi nanny. She had emigrated from Germany, where she was very pro-Hitler, and loved to tell fairy tales about naughty children getting tortured. Have you ever seen a congressman on TV arguing to destroy environmental protection and minimum wage and thought, "Jesus, who is funding this madman? Were they raised by Nazis? Were they psychologically tortured every day as a child?"
Koch Family"Do they have a curiously thorough knowledge of Argentina and murky parentage?"
Yes. Strangely enough, exactly that.
The Koch children were subjected to some truly draconian toilet training: They were expected to poop at the exact same time each morning, or they would suffer castor oil and enema treatments. So yes, it's easy to be upset at the billionaires trying to burn the world down around them right now, but try to be understanding. They had Nazis forcing poop out of them when they were children.
Their nanny returned to Germany in 1940, almost certainly with bags of their feces to give to Hitler's scientists in order to create some kind of money golem. This seems like it would be good news for the children she terrorized, but it meant spending more time with their father. Fred Koch was a big believer in social Darwinism, which meant encouraging the boys to beat the shit out of each other to toughen them up. No matter what boys did in the Koch house, shit was expected to come out of them.
Koch FamilyMasturbation was a nightmarish endeavor.