Wallace's next race for governor had him shouting "segregation now, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever!" He held a stand-in at the University of Alabama to protest black students being allowed in. He called Martin Luther King Jr. a communist, and supported suppression of civil rights protests. Maybe he turned evil because of his loss, or maybe he was pretending to hate black people so that evil people would vote for him, or -- and this is going out on a limb here -- maybe he was a shithead racist the whole time and just lying about it. Any way you cut it, the results were the same: He made the world a much worse place for a lot of people.
George's story has a bit of a happy ending, though, if you consider a racist shithead failing in several Presidential runs and then getting shot in the spine, "happy." This led to him renouncing his racist ways and, while running as a pro-equality candidate, he became governor again. And he won with, get this: huge support from black voters. And then America learned its lesson and never voted for a racist ever again. So long as you don't check any election results from that point on until the end of time.
Joseph Stalin Killed Millions of People Over a Girl
When it comes to body counts, few people match Joseph Stalin. He killed so many people it's hard to contemplate the depth of his dreadfulness. We'll try by saying he's like the Star Wars prequels, only if disappointment was murdering political prisoners. The world will never forget your crimes, George Lucas and Joseph Stalin. And speaking of, we need to come clean: This whole entry is a Star Wars analogy.
Just like how Darth Vader once went by Annie Skywalker, Joseph Stalin was also born with a much lamer name. He was called Ioseb Besarionis dze Jughashvili, a violent clash of letters he shortened to "Koba." Both he and Anakin had their hearts set on joining a holy order -- Annie the Jedi Academy, and Koba the Orthodox seminary. They were both rebellious youths, and they both clashed with authority. Young Koba was such a rebel, in fact, that the priests kicked him out of the seminary when he was 21.
It was around that time he met Ekaterina Svanidze, and fell in love. Koba called her "Kato," because nothing in Russia makes sense, and it never has. Again just like Anakin Skywalker, lovestruck Stalin spouted the most cringeworthy romantic words. Stalin said of Kato, "This creature softened my heart of stone." Good move, calling her a "creature," buddy! Stalin's sweet talk sounds like lyrics written by the bass player of an all-dad rock band. He killed more people than almost anyone who ever walked the Earth, but Joseph Stalin's dick game was the real atrocity.
Russian Federal Archives"You can either be shot or listen to Comrade Stalin's poetry. Well?"
"Hang on, I'm thinking."
Back to the Star Wars analogy: Remember how the death of Anakin's girlfriend made him evil, but it was all mindless, overdone drama? That's what happened to Stalin. A year into their marriage, Kato died in his arms. Some described her as "having lost the will to live," and that's possible, since Joseph Stalin truly, truly sucked -- but "typhus" would be a more accurate cause of death. At her funeral, Stalin basically declared war against all of mankind in a very George Lucas-like monologue, wherein he said, "She died, and with her died my last warm feelings for humanity!"
It was a line so stilted it should have led to history's first eulogy boos, but instead Koba made good on his promise! That nobody wanted! He changed his name to Joseph Stalin, and caused unspeakable devastation from that point onward. And perhaps most tragic of all, George Lucas, during his inadvertent adaptation of this story seven decades later, would invent Jar Jar Binks. So there you go: Three degrees of separation from Stalin to Jar Jar. That's a surefire win in our new drinking game, "Connect All The Worst Things Together, And Then Just Drink."
U.S. ArmyNo matter who wins, you lose.
Stephan infrequently tweets over at @StephanRoget, where he's mostly chuffed he didn't need to use an underscore or anything. You can read his latest articles here.
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