5 B.S. ‘Ironic’ News Stories The Public Swallowed Whole

There's "anti-climactic," and then there's "a bit damp, honestly."

Also, the Vue Exeter is a major cinema, which means that there were half a dozen movies showing at the same time as Noah, all of which had to be delayed. All things considered, a more accurate headline would be something like "Minor Moisture Problem In Concession Stand Slightly Delays Opening Of Cinema On Same Weekend As One Of Several Films Playing At Said Cinema Involves Wetness As A Major Plot Point." But that's too many characters.

But this widely reported study noted that female hurricanes, like Hurricane Katrina, tend to kill way more people than male hurricanes, like Hurricane Earl. The idea was that we don't think a female hurricane can hurt us, so we're more inclined to stand our ground against Hurricane Annabelle than we would against Hurricane Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

But actually ...

When National Geographic delved a little deeper into the investigation, they found a few flaws. First of all, the study analyzed hurricane deaths starting from 1950, but until 1979, all hurricanes were given female names. So female hurricanes had an almost 30-year head start on male ones when it came to death toll. On top of that, earlier hurricanes had a higher death toll than later ones, because we're better at dealing with them now. And here's the kicker: When Slate science writer Eric Holthaus looked into the same data and removed 2012's devastating Hurricane Sandy (which was listed by the researchers as a "female" hurricane without apology to Sandy Koufax, Sandy Saddler, Sandy Berger, or Sandy Nelson), the results became much less conclusive. Basically, when you correct for outliers, it turns out that hurricanes are crazy and destructive and it doesn't really matter what you name them. You could call one Hurricane Fluffy McButternuts and it would still kill you.

It's true that a bunch of the people who drank raw milk after the vote wound up hospitalized with stomach-churning digestive problems, but an investigation by the Department of Health and Human Resources (DHHR) suggests that their sickness was coincidental, because a bunch of people who didn't drink the milk also got sick. The more plausible explanation is that a whole bunch of people were crammed into one room while a bug was going around. Some of the victims testified that they were already coming down with something before they sipped the bovine hemlock. In fact, the real story is that the person who brought the raw milk to the hearing must have done so illegally, by definition, because it was only made legal mere seconds before it was being handed out. We can only imagine that if the vote had gone the other way, some intern would have had to quietly pour a couple of gallons of illegal milk into some government toilets.

And yes, this was the exact plot of an early Simpsons episode. The Simpsons did it first. And that makes it the exact plot of a South Park episode. Because we can only process things via cartoons.

But actually ...

Dalmon and Miles weren't really thrown out for eating too much. They were thrown out for being a couple of assholes. Apparently, the two had been regular customers of the restaurant, coming multiple times a month for upwards of two years, and every time they came through the door, the staff would have to brace themselves for a bad time.

The fact that they challenged themselves to Hoover up as much physical matter as they possibly could after paying the cover charge was a factor, but not half as much as the way they conducted themselves. Dalmon and Miles would constantly act disorderly and push in front of other patrons in order to get to the food first, actively preventing other paying customers from eating, and generally creating an unfriendly environment for anyone else who was there to sit down to a nice meal.

Eventually, after a string of complaints, the gentlemen were finally escorted from the establishment, after which they complained to the media about their first-world problems. And we, like a bunch of suckers, ate it up.

Jordan Breeding is a part-time writer, full-time lover, and all-the-time guitarist. Check out his band at http://www.skywardband.com or on Spotify here.

For more news that's anything but, check out Man Vapes Semen: 5 B.S. News Stories That Went Viral and 5 B.S. News Stories That Fooled Your Friends.

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