3

A Study Shows That Hurricanes Named After Women Kill More People Because We Don't Respect Women

According to a 2016 study, covered in outlets like The Washington Post and CNN, more people die in hurricanes with female names than male ones. The reason? Good old-fashioned misogyny. See, hurricanes obviously don't have genders -- or at least we assume they don't, because it's hard to check under their skirts. Meteorologists give hurricanes human names for reasons that boil down to tradition and convenience.

NRL Monterey Marine Meteorology Division/ NOAA
Or sometimes revenge against childhood bullies.

2

Lawmakers Drink Raw Milk To Celebrate The Legalization Of Raw Milk And All Get Sick

Some people, called doctors, say that raw milk can carry harmful bacteria, which is the entire reason we pasteurize it to begin with. Others say that the pasteurization process destroys beneficial nutrients and that prohibiting the choice to consume raw milk is a stark example of government overreach. In 2016, lawmakers in West Virginia voted on a bill to allow state residents to drink a salmonella milkshake if they really wanted to. It passed, and to celebrate their victory, they toasted with some nice, cool glasses of unpasteurized cow juice. Hilariously, they all got sick.

But actually ...

We're not going to weigh in on the whole milk versus freedom argument here because, most importantly, we don't care. At all. However, in this particular case, the evidence suggests that the lawmakers did not get sick by drinking raw milk. They just got the flu.

WSAZ
Who wants to bet they didn't believe in getting vaccinations?

1

A Pair Was Banned From An All-You-Can-Eat Restaurant For Eating All They Could

In 2012, George Dalmon and Andy Miles finished a long hard day of being British by visiting an all-you-can-eat restaurant in Brighton, England. After plowing through several plates of food each, the manager kicked them out and told them that they were both banned for life because they ate too much food and were driving him out of business. Later, the two would pose for the sympathetic media in front of the restaurant, doing their best to look like they were starving.

Connors Brighton
"Oh man, sooo hungry. This where the stomach is, right?"

And yes, this was the exact plot of an early Simpsons episode. The Simpsons did it first. And that makes it the exact plot of a South Park episode. Because we can only process things via cartoons.

But actually ...

Dalmon and Miles weren't really thrown out for eating too much. They were thrown out for being a couple of assholes. Apparently, the two had been regular customers of the restaurant, coming multiple times a month for upwards of two years, and every time they came through the door, the staff would have to brace themselves for a bad time.

BBC
"I thought it included other people's food."

The fact that they challenged themselves to Hoover up as much physical matter as they possibly could after paying the cover charge was a factor, but not half as much as the way they conducted themselves. Dalmon and Miles would constantly act disorderly and push in front of other patrons in order to get to the food first, actively preventing other paying customers from eating, and generally creating an unfriendly environment for anyone else who was there to sit down to a nice meal.

Eventually, after a string of complaints, the gentlemen were finally escorted from the establishment, after which they complained to the media about their first-world problems. And we, like a bunch of suckers, ate it up.

Jordan Breeding is a part-time writer, full-time lover, and all-the-time guitarist. Check out his band at http://www.skywardband.com or on Spotify here.

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