It's true that a bunch of the people who drank raw milk after the vote wound up hospitalized with stomach-churning digestive problems, but an investigation by the Department of Health and Human Resources (DHHR) suggests that their sickness was coincidental, because a bunch of people who didn't drink the milk also got sick. The more plausible explanation is that a whole bunch of people were crammed into one room while a bug was going around. Some of the victims testified that they were already coming down with something before they sipped the bovine hemlock. In fact, the real story is that the person who brought the raw milk to the hearing must have done so illegally, by definition, because it was only made legal mere seconds before it was being handed out. We can only imagine that if the vote had gone the other way, some intern would have had to quietly pour a couple of gallons of illegal milk into some government toilets.
Or give up politics all together to become some dairy-bootlegging Al Capone.
A Pair Was Banned From An All-You-Can-Eat Restaurant For Eating All They Could
In 2012, George Dalmon and Andy Miles finished a long hard day of being British by visiting an all-you-can-eat restaurant in Brighton, England. After plowing through several plates of food each, the manager kicked them out and told them that they were both banned for life because they ate too much food and were driving him out of business. Later, the two would pose for the sympathetic media in front of the restaurant, doing their best to look like they were starving.
"Oh man, sooo hungry. This where the stomach is, right?"
And yes, this was the exact plot of an early Simpsons episode. The Simpsons did it first. And that makes it the exact plot of a South Park episode. Because we can only process things via cartoons.
But actually ...
Dalmon and Miles weren't really thrown out for eating too much. They were thrown out for being a couple of assholes. Apparently, the two had been regular customers of the restaurant, coming multiple times a month for upwards of two years, and every time they came through the door, the staff would have to brace themselves for a bad time.
"I thought it included other people's food."
The fact that they challenged themselves to Hoover up as much physical matter as they possibly could after paying the cover charge was a factor, but not half as much as the way they conducted themselves. Dalmon and Miles would constantly act disorderly and push in front of other patrons in order to get to the food first, actively preventing other paying customers from eating, and generally creating an unfriendly environment for anyone else who was there to sit down to a nice meal.
Eventually, after a string of complaints, the gentlemen were finally escorted from the establishment, after which they complained to the media about their first-world problems. And we, like a bunch of suckers, ate it up.
Jordan Breeding is a part-time writer, full-time lover, and all-the-time guitarist. Check out his band at http://www.skywardband.com or on Spotify here.
For more news that's anything but, check out Man Vapes Semen: 5 B.S. News Stories That Went Viral and 5 B.S. News Stories That Fooled Your Friends.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out The 4 Stupidest Things The News Apparently Cares About, and other videos you won't see on the site!
Follow us on Facebook, and we'll follow you everywhere.