5 Amazing Relics (Discovered In The Dumbest Way Possible)

In spite of being as careful as... well, as careful as a bunch of dudes at a bachelor party, the group unearthed a large portion of the skull without damaging it. When they realized what it was, they had a quick discussion, voted 4-3 against turning it into a bong, and instead notified local authorities. Paleontologists arrived on the scene and discovered that the skull is nearly 100 percent complete and may in fact be the most complete mastodon skull ever discovered.

Once scientists have unearthed the half-ton skull, it will be transported to the New Mexico Museum of Natural History and Science for eventual display, but only after staff have had an opportunity to clean the specimen, despite repeated, unsolicited reassurances from the guys that they totally didn't whiz on it.

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Inside were five different newspapers, 23 different coins, ranging as far back as 1652, a copper medal with George Washington's face on it, and a silver plate commemorating Samuel Adams and the groundbreaking of the State House on the 20th anniversary of freedom, July 4th, 1796. Historians believe the plate to be the work none other than Paul Revere, who was a master metalsmith when he wasn't riding around town counting lanterns and yelling at all hours of the night.

But the discovery of the time capsule shouldn't have been a big surprise -- it had actually been dug up once before. Historians found records indicating that the capsule had been discovered once before in 1855. Whomever had found it then made a note of its location, added a few coins, reburied it, and then promptly forgot it existed again. We couldn't even remember our note to remember a time capsule buried by Paul goddamn Revere, ain't nobody going to remember that you buried Season 2 of True Detective.

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The villa dates back to around 200 A.D., the height of Rome's reign in Britain, a short period of time when they managed to mutilate the language into the chaotic monstrosity it is today and impart a certain fondness of taking over other, better places to live. The villa is believed to have belonged to a pretty important dude, possibly even the emperor himself, judging from the numerous bones of hunted animals, the fact that the villa is estimated to be three expensive stories tall, and the "extremely high-status pottery" (which we assume is the kind that has pictures of people fucking on it).

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Asicona dialed 1-800-INDIANA and got a researcher to come check it out. A historian quickly determined that the paintings were authentic and others were invited to come examine the artworks, which were in pretty good shape considering they had not been specially preserved in any way.

Unfortunately, exposing the old-ass paintings to the elements has resulted in them quickly fading, leaving researchers very little time to study them. For his part, Asicona has done his best to preserve them, turning his humble abode into a makeshift museum. He's moved all the furniture out of the kitchen, put his stove outside, and keeps all the local kids from rubbing their grubby hands all over it. "The house is very humid and some of the colors have been fading ... but we do what we can without any funding," Asicona said with the resigned tone of a man who just wanted to repaint his goddamn kitchen.

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A man by the name of Clifford Coulthard was driving around the Outback surveying gorges when he had to take a piss. He pulled the car over, walked up to an embankment to take a leak in a nearby stream (is there anything more divine than peeing into running water?), and discovered a rock shelter with a blackened roof, indicating that somebody had once lit a fire there, as well as some rock art. Even more fortuitous was the fact that Cliff was actually riding around with a friggin' archaeologist who immediately recognized it as an ancient human settlement.

And when we say ancient, we mean really goddamn old, as in the oldest human settlement ever discovered in Australia, pre-dating the next oldest site by 10,000 years. Investigation of the shelter and surrounding area led to discovery of weapons, tools, and animal bones. One curious aspect of Australian wildlife is that there's only one animal that routinely grows bigger than 200 pounds -- the saltwater crocodile -- and for years scientists have wondered why bigger animals aren't around today. Bones found at the site indicate that, at one point, there were bigger animals, but humans, as they are wont to do, killed all the big animals that couldn't fuck them up, leaving crocs as the continent's largest surviving animal (and forcing smaller creatures to improvise more creative methods of defense/revenge).

When he's not sending Christmas cards to archaeologists, Chris writes stupid stuff on Twitter.

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