5

Allied Leaders Spitefully Pissed On Things All The Time

The Allies win! Planes soar overhead, the citizens hold ticker-tape parades, people kiss in the street, and beneath it all is the sweet, tangy smell of victory urine. Yes, some of history's greatest leaders went ahead and pissed all over their defeated opponents -- a tactic that most of the animal kingdom would call "a bit gauche."

General George Patton, the Tom Brady of generals, couldn't resist adding his stream to the Rhine River as his troops rolled across Germany. The Rhine is a powerful nationalist symbol in Germany, so of course Patton thought emptying his bladder into it was a great way to facilitate their peaceful surrender.

via AlexandersMilitary.com

4

Columbus Was Somehow An Even Bigger Jerk Than You Thought

On their lengthy trip to a continent that may or may not have existed for all they knew, Christopher Columbus and his crew got a bit tired of looking at nothing but waves and the occasional mermaid. He incentivized his men to stay alert by offering a big cash reward to the first crewman to spot land. On October 12th, 1492, Rodrigo de Triana spotted land. He thought he hit the jackpot, discovering the free world and earning a sweet bonus. Triana told Columbus of his discovery, no doubt expecting him to make it rain, which was significantly more painful in the days of gold coins.

Christian Ruben

3

Eisenhower Came Up With The Worst Pranks

Dwight D. Eisenhower was a big roads guy -- he oversaw the creation of the Interstate Highway System during his presidency. But his love of asphalt started earlier in life. As a young rascal in the army, Ike got the job of assessing America's road system by roadtripping across the country with some Army buddies. As far as military assignments go, that's hard to beat. Ike and his friend Sereno Brett immediately took this assignment for granted, and set out to prank their way across America. They did things big back in the day; not content to merely moon passersby or draw dicks on their sleeping friends, they set out to convince their buddies that they were about to be murdered.

Eisenhower and Brett told high tales of Indian massacres in Wyoming, then staged an attack the minute they arrived in the state. They put a guard on duty for the camp, then went out into the woods, started emitting war whoops, and inched ever closer, pressing the poor guy into taking action. He grabbed his shotgun and secured his perimeter, as he should have. As the noises grew closer and more frequent, he fired off his gun ... which Ike had loaded with blanks, so everyone had a good laugh at his expense. Wow, OK, we thought that was going to end waaay differently. This one's actually pretty cute ... for a fake massacre.

2

Peter The Great Put His Wife's Boyfriend's Head In A Jar

History regards Peter the Great as one of Russia's, well ... greatest leaders, along with his wife, Catherine (also super Great). But everything was not great. One of the things Peter the Great was, uh, good at: banging mistresses. Anna Mons was Peter's favorite side girl, and as such, her family members netted some important jobs working with the royal family. Anna's brother Willem became Catherine's secretary, and if you've watched enough porn, you know exactly where this is going: Willem started banging Catherine.

Jean-Marc Nattier

1

John Adams And Thomas Jefferson Vandalized Shakespeare's Chair

The accessibility of Shakespeare's legacy has led to some shameful theft and vandalism over the years. In one incident, two men snuck away while touring the revered playwright's home and chipped off a piece of his chair to keep as a souvenir. The mad lads chiseled away at literary history, vandalizing the very chair that Shakespeare maybe wrote Romeo And Juliet in, and certainly, certainly farted in.

Those men? American Founding Fathers John Adams and Thomas Jefferson (the Mario and Luigi of president).

Thomas Jefferson Foundation