5 Underreported Jerk Moves By Famous Historical Figures

Patton also thought trenches were for sissies. When another general showed George some new, innovative narrow trenches -- to protect men from aerial strikes -- Patton showed his contempt by whipping it out and ordering an airstrike of his own. After zipping up, he quipped, "There -- now try to use it" and left. We're guessing without washing his hands.

Winston Churchill also got in on the urination celebration. He really wanted to pee all over Hitler's precious Siegfried Line, and you can decide for yourself what that says about the man. Churchill was classy enough to not let anyone take pictures, but a witness did describe the scene: "I shall never forget the childish grin of intense satisfaction that spread all over his face as he looked down at the critical moment." Churchill keeps on giving, doesn't he? "The critical moment" is our new favorite euphemism.

Funny thing: As it turned out, Columbus had totally noticed something land-like the night before with his superior, continent-discovering eyes. He neglected to tell anyone, because he didn't want to get them riled up. So Columbus kept the money to himself, along with Traina's rightful place in history as the first European colonizer to lay eyes on North America.

Peter was a little on the hypocritical side when it came to affairs, and had Willem beheaded on a trumped-up charged of embezzlement. To make sure Catherine got the message, Peter had Willem's head pickled (communication didn't seem to be their strong suit). By some accounts, Peter forced Catherine to keep the head in her room, because it's always Halloween in Russia. Catherine would hang on to the "conversation starter" well past Peter's death. A friend of Catherine's would later find Willem's head, along with the head of another woman (because this was apparently something Peter was into), and give them both a proper burial. Well, not proper (they were severed heads in jars), but they were at least allowed to decompose.

H-hooray?

The incident occurred in 1786, when Adams was serving as U.S. ambassador to England, and Jefferson was tagging along just because they were best buds. When they saw the chair, they broke off a chunk to take home, which Adams wrote in his diary was "according to custom." How many people could uphold that custom before Shakespeare's thinkin' chair was a splintery mass? Like ... 15?

Adams and Jefferson would later become bitter political rivals, with Jefferson wrestling the presidency away from his old pal in 1800. They would spend many years as enemies, taking turns disrupting one another's ambitions, before reconciling late in life and dying on the very same Fourth of July. That sort of dramatic storyline forces us to wonder if they spent the rest of their lives having their fates controlled by some sort of vengeful Shakespeare spirit.

A Shakespirit, if you will.

But that would be ridiculous, right? Oh look, Adams wrote in his diary about a curse he found on Shakespeare's grave. One about removing things from their rightful place.

Huh.

Love Cracked? Want exclusive content? Prefer an ad-free experience? We've got you covered. Sign up for our Subscription Service for all that and more.

Also check out 5 Historical Figures You're Picturing Almost Exactly Wrong and 8 Famous People That History Got Almost Exactly Wrong.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out 5 Famous Historical Figures Who Were Total Perverts, and watch other videos you won't see on the site!

Follow our new Pictofacts Facebook page, and we'll follow you everywhere.

Hey, Cracked Podcast fans: Join Alex Schmidt, David Christopher Bell, Brett Raider, and our favorite comedians Hallie Cantor, Greg Edwards, and Danielle Radford on Saturday, October 14 for a serious(ly funny) discussion about little-known monsters that would be fun and hilarious as movie monsters. Get your tickets here.