Also, while typically Bond is a cold, quippy killer, this Bond takes down a thug with a sample of his own urine. Granted, when you have as many STDs as 007 it's a wonder your pee doesn't melt right through the container.

MGM

MGM
Originally he burned the bad guy's eyes by making him read the script for A View To A Kill.

Then someone tries to murder Bond with weightlifting equipment ...

MGM

... Bond gets attacked by a radio controlled shark ...

MGM

... he gives Kim Basinger a "massage" by flailing her arms around ...

MGM

... and he impresses the villain by beating him at an electro-shock video game the villain himself made.

MGM

MGM

MGM
"The name's Bond, xXx420SmokeWeedEveryDay69 Bond."

At one point the evil henchwoman, Fatima Blush, corners Bond but, instead of killing him, forces him to write and sign a statement saying that she gave him the best sex of his life. Fortunately, this gives Bond the opportunity to kill the egomaniacal nymphomaniac by using a pen that's secretly a gun.

MGM
"And also write that I was the best part of the all henchman performance of The Pirates Of Penzance!"

Oh yeah, and Bond escapes a fortress by riding a goddamn horse off of it.

MGM

MGM
"James Bond will return in Animal Cruelty Trial"

They accomplished that amazing special effect by, uh, not giving a fuck and just using a real horse. That scene was cut from the British release due to animal welfare concerns, and also to avoid dozens of smartass critics calling the movie Never Say Neigh Again. If it's any consolation, the movie was also cruel to its human actors, as noted maniac Steven Seagal broke Connery's wrist while training him in aikido. Never Say Never Again is either the worst Bond movie ever made or the best attempt to destroy the reputation of a movie franchise out of sheer spite. An impressive feat either way.

Unfortunately, it was all a trick by an evil puppeteer confusingly named Puppetino (indeed, his parents selected his career path for him by giving him that name), and Pinocchio is turned back into a puppet. Where's Geppetto in all this?

New World Pictures
That's exactly what Child Services wants to know too.

The Good Fairy shows up and tells Pinocchio that it's his fault because he took his freedom for granted, which seems harsh considering he's a goddamned child who has been a real boy for like one damn year. Anyway, after dealing with the puppet-shaming fairy, Pinocchio later finds himself in a place called the Neon Cabaret, where children are partying and drinking a mysterious green liquid that makes them hallucinate. Yup, the only way they thought to upstage Pleasure Island was having Pinocchio tripping on absinthe at a rave. Not a lot of late nights in that writers' room.

New World Pictures

New World Pictures

New World Pictures
Or sober ones.

This somehow eventually leads to Pinocchio doing battle with the Emperor Of The Night, who's voiced by James Earl Jones and looks like a four-armed vampire with force powers.

New World Pictures
Still a better follow-up than The Phantom Menace.

Pinocchio uses the power of love to make the Emperor fucking explode ...

... and as a reward the Good Fairy makes him a real boy again and -- because it should be obvious by now that she's just winging it -- turns his lady puppet friend into a human too, because by defeating an arcane evil and saving a bunch of lives he probably learned a lesson about freedom or life or whatever. The narrative kind of loses the thread, but maybe it's a metaphor for puberty or something.

Disney sued Filmation, but Filmation successfully argued that the character was public domain, and also the movie flopped so hard that even cold-hearted Disney lawyers probably felt a little sorry for them. The movie is objectively terrible, with one film critic deriding it as a "wooden effort" before high-fiving himself so hard that he broke his hands and never wrote another word.

If you guessed that Baron Dr. Frankenstein starts slaughtering the crew for body parts, then you too have what it takes to write a terrible Frankenstein cash-in. The doctor wants his new monster to carry on his family line, but it instead turns on him and they're both killed in a blast of radioactive steam, because '50s horror movies featured radiation like contemporary movies feature MacBooks. And so Dr. Frankenstein learns of the folly of cobbling something together that should be dead, again, and also discovers the downside of trying to get rich quick through a sketchy movie deal. Two lessons wasted on crappy movie makers, who quickly recycled this radioactive Frankenstein's monster to fight a Godzilla knockoff.

Toho Co., Ltd.
So honey, now, take me into your loving arms, Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars, Place your head on my beating heart, I'm thinking out loud, Maybe we found love right where we are

That's from Japan's Frankenstein Conquers The World in which, spoiler alert, he does not conquer the world. He does, however, get made gigantic by radiation. The Japanese fear him, but the gentle giant redeems himself by defeating a rampaging monster. Then he gets swallowed up by an earthquake. It's like King Kong crossed with Akira crossed with the dream journal of an idiot child. Two of his clones then fight in the sequel, by which point the moral of the story had evolved to "Wow, look at how much money we can make from total nonsense! Hubris rules!"

Toho Co., Ltd.
"Yeah!"

After La Casa 2: Mi Casa Es Mal Casa (actual title, so strap in), Italian filmmakers just ran with the name and pumped out unconnected low-budget horror movies that had about as much to do with Evil Dead as, well, Army Of Darkness did. Most notable is La Casa 4, released in America as Witchery, because America will not be outshone in the dumb movie naming department. It stars none other than David Hasselhoff and Linda Blair in their acclaimed roles as "actor who isn't famous enough yet" and "actress whose career took a brutal downturn," respectively.

Filmirage

Blair and the Hoff are guests at a hotel, which is like a big cabin, that's besieged by an evil witch, because this was a simpler time before Yelp reviews.

Filmirage

Filmirage
"Not enough towels in the bathroom, possible demon issues, good breakfast options. 3 1/2 out of 5."

Blair, to the surprise of no one, gets possessed.

Filmirage

And Hasselhoff gets, uh, crucified.

Filmirage
Both in the movie and by critics.

To give you a sense of the film's quality, the NSFW trailer biggest selling point is a rape dream that cuts back to the victim writhing on a bed topless like she's in a Whitesnake music video. Not that the movie's without its brilliant twists and turns, like the seemingly random shot of a seagull ... who later turns up dead.

The vampire is embraced by the weirdly easy-going tribe, and he helps them scare off their evil rivals and do chores. The hero forms a bond with the corpse, and eventually manages to return it to its rightful owners. But first, the grateful vampire helps them win a decisive battle against the bad guys by using his mystical powers to channel the spirit of Bruce Lee.

Win's Movie Productions Ltd.
The gods must be high.

Hey, so we have, like, eight thousand questions about this plot, and unfortunately none of them are answered in later installments of the The Gods Must Be Crazy Cinematic Universe. But what's even stranger is that the star of all of the films was the same hunter-gatherer from the original movie. He was chosen for the first movie because he made it feel authentic, probably because he had never seen a settlement larger than his village of huts, and a decade later he was flown to Hong Kong to help them make a wacky slapstick comedy about a vampire. Honestly, that story sounds like a much better movie than the one they made him film.

Its teaser trailer portrays it as an investigation into the events of decades ago, with O'Dea introducing scenes then shown through flashbacks. Because nothing creates that edge-of-seat suspense more than knowing in advance that the protagonist got out just fine.

The graveyard scene where Barbra is introduced is recreated ...

Virgo Squared Pictures

... and the next day she's picked up by some rednecks who got turned down as stand-ins for The Walking Dead.

Virgo Squared Pictures

Virgo Squared Pictures

There's also a scene where some legitimately impressive effects and makeup are ruined by the fact that two characters who are supposed to be living in the '60s are driving a car with very modern window stickers.

If it seems like there's very little of import to say about this movie, it's not because it's that bad (it is), but because there's not enough of it yet. Their IndieGoGo campaign made only 2 percent of their 35,000 dollar target, which they seemed to have spent on the trailer, but you do have to admire their dedication to a story they love in the face of complete public indifference. And, if nothing else, it offers a preview into a future where modern blockbusters have fallen out of copyright and some random dude will be making Die Hard 8: What If Ellis Survived And Started Fighting Crime? starring an aged Hart Bochner.