After jilted director Kevin McClory won his suit to make an independent Bond movie, he sat on his hands for twenty years before deciding to do anything with it. However, it's pretty hard to make a Bond movie when all you're allowed to work with is an aging Sean Connery and the half-written script that inspired Thunderball, so the movie sort of feels like a 13-year-old boy trying to explain the plot of Thunderball to someone who has just awoken from a 60-year coma and has no idea who James Bond is. Franchise regular characters like Blofeld, M, Q, and Moneypenny are all played by new actors, the iconic score and introduction are gone, and Connery acts like he's just killing time until he can sneak into the alley for a smoke. It's as if Connery's hosting an episode of SNL with only one really long sketch, a feeling that only intensifies when Mr. Bean shows up as a comedic relief bureaucrat who talks like he's constantly trying to swallow his own tongue.

MGM
His character is Nigel Small-Fawcett. Get it? Small Faucet? He has a small dick!

Also, while typically Bond is a cold, quippy killer, this Bond takes down a thug with a sample of his own urine. Granted, when you have as many STDs as 007 it's a wonder your pee doesn't melt right through the container.

MGM

MGM
Originally he burned the bad guy's eyes by making him read the script for A View To A Kill.

Then someone tries to murder Bond with weightlifting equipment ...

MGM

... Bond gets attacked by a radio controlled shark ...

MGM

... he gives Kim Basinger a "massage" by flailing her arms around ...

MGM

... and he impresses the villain by beating him at an electro-shock video game the villain himself made.

MGM

MGM

MGM
"The name's Bond, xXx420SmokeWeedEveryDay69 Bond."

At one point the evil henchwoman, Fatima Blush, corners Bond but, instead of killing him, forces him to write and sign a statement saying that she gave him the best sex of his life. Fortunately, this gives Bond the opportunity to kill the egomaniacal nymphomaniac by using a pen that's secretly a gun.

MGM
"And also write that I was the best part of the all henchman performance of The Pirates Of Penzance!"

Oh yeah, and Bond escapes a fortress by riding a goddamn horse off of it.

MGM

MGM
"James Bond will return in Animal Cruelty Trial"

They accomplished that amazing special effect by, uh, not giving a fuck and just using a real horse. That scene was cut from the British release due to animal welfare concerns, and also to avoid dozens of smartass critics calling the movie Never Say Neigh Again. If it's any consolation, the movie was also cruel to its human actors, as noted maniac Steven Seagal broke Connery's wrist while training him in aikido. Never Say Never Again is either the worst Bond movie ever made or the best attempt to destroy the reputation of a movie franchise out of sheer spite. An impressive feat either way.

Unfortunately, it was all a trick by an evil puppeteer confusingly named Puppetino (indeed, his parents selected his career path for him by giving him that name), and Pinocchio is turned back into a puppet. Where's Geppetto in all this?

New World Pictures
That's exactly what Child Services wants to know too.

The Good Fairy shows up and tells Pinocchio that it's his fault because he took his freedom for granted, which seems harsh considering he's a goddamned child who has been a real boy for like one damn year. Anyway, after dealing with the puppet-shaming fairy, Pinocchio later finds himself in a place called the Neon Cabaret, where children are partying and drinking a mysterious green liquid that makes them hallucinate. Yup, the only way they thought to upstage Pleasure Island was having Pinocchio tripping on absinthe at a rave. Not a lot of late nights in that writers' room.

New World Pictures

New World Pictures

New World Pictures
Or sober ones.

This somehow eventually leads to Pinocchio doing battle with the Emperor Of The Night, who's voiced by James Earl Jones and looks like a four-armed vampire with force powers.

New World Pictures
Still a better follow-up than The Phantom Menace.

Pinocchio uses the power of love to make the Emperor fucking explode ...

... and as a reward the Good Fairy makes him a real boy again and -- because it should be obvious by now that she's just winging it -- turns his lady puppet friend into a human too, because by defeating an arcane evil and saving a bunch of lives he probably learned a lesson about freedom or life or whatever. The narrative kind of loses the thread, but maybe it's a metaphor for puberty or something.

Disney sued Filmation, but Filmation successfully argued that the character was public domain, and also the movie flopped so hard that even cold-hearted Disney lawyers probably felt a little sorry for them. The movie is objectively terrible, with one film critic deriding it as a "wooden effort" before high-fiving himself so hard that he broke his hands and never wrote another word.

If you guessed that Baron Dr. Frankenstein starts slaughtering the crew for body parts, then you too have what it takes to write a terrible Frankenstein cash-in. The doctor wants his new monster to carry on his family line, but it instead turns on him and they're both killed in a blast of radioactive steam, because '50s horror movies featured radiation like contemporary movies feature MacBooks. And so Dr. Frankenstein learns of the folly of cobbling something together that should be dead, again, and also discovers the downside of trying to get rich quick through a sketchy movie deal. Two lessons wasted on crappy movie makers, who quickly recycled this radioactive Frankenstein's monster to fight a Godzilla knockoff.

Toho Co., Ltd.
So honey, now, take me into your loving arms, Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars, Place your head on my beating heart, I'm thinking out loud, Maybe we found love right where we are

That's from Japan's Frankenstein Conquers The World in which, spoiler alert, he does not conquer the world. He does, however, get made gigantic by radiation. The Japanese fear him, but the gentle giant redeems himself by defeating a rampaging monster. Then he gets swallowed up by an earthquake. It's like King Kong crossed with Akira crossed with the dream journal of an idiot child. Two of his clones then fight in the sequel, by which point the moral of the story had evolved to "Wow, look at how much money we can make from total nonsense! Hubris rules!"

Toho Co., Ltd.
"Yeah!"

Blair and the Hoff are guests at a hotel, which is like a big cabin, that's besieged by an evil witch, because this was a simpler time before Yelp reviews.

Filmirage

Filmirage
"Not enough towels in the bathroom, possible demon issues, good breakfast options. 3 1/2 out of 5."

Blair, to the surprise of no one, gets possessed.

Filmirage

And Hasselhoff gets, uh, crucified.

Filmirage
Both in the movie and by critics.

To give you a sense of the film's quality, the NSFW trailer biggest selling point is a rape dream that cuts back to the victim writhing on a bed topless like she's in a Whitesnake music video. Not that the movie's without its brilliant twists and turns, like the seemingly random shot of a seagull ... who later turns up dead.

The story, such as it is, kicks off when an ancient Chinese corpse is bought at auction by a descendant who wants to give his ancestor a proper burial instead of him being displayed in some rich dude's house next to a Hank Aaron rookie card. The remains are put on a plane to be shipped home, but fall out and land in the midst of the same tribe that encountered the Coke bottle, and who at this point are probably getting pretty sick of divine gifts. So it's basically a remake, except instead of a pop bottle it's an ancient, reanimated, hopping Chinese vampire. Same twist as Die Hard 3.

Win's Movie Productions Ltd.
Jeremy Irons would even go on to play him in the Tony-winning musical adaptation.

The vampire is embraced by the weirdly easy-going tribe, and he helps them scare off their evil rivals and do chores. The hero forms a bond with the corpse, and eventually manages to return it to its rightful owners. But first, the grateful vampire helps them win a decisive battle against the bad guys by using his mystical powers to channel the spirit of Bruce Lee.

Win's Movie Productions Ltd.
The gods must be high.

Hey, so we have, like, eight thousand questions about this plot, and unfortunately none of them are answered in later installments of the The Gods Must Be Crazy Cinematic Universe. But what's even stranger is that the star of all of the films was the same hunter-gatherer from the original movie. He was chosen for the first movie because he made it feel authentic, probably because he had never seen a settlement larger than his village of huts, and a decade later he was flown to Hong Kong to help them make a wacky slapstick comedy about a vampire. Honestly, that story sounds like a much better movie than the one they made him film.

But the creators of Night Of The Living Dead: Genesis posit "What if the character played by the actress we happen to know survived?" And so Genesis features a 71-year-old Judith O'Dea, who looks just thrilled to be there.

Virgo Squared Pictures
Eat shit, Daniel Day-Lewis, she's been method-acting reluctantly talking about zombies for 50 years.

Its teaser trailer portrays it as an investigation into the events of decades ago, with O'Dea introducing scenes then shown through flashbacks. Because nothing creates that edge-of-seat suspense more than knowing in advance that the protagonist got out just fine.

The graveyard scene where Barbra is introduced is recreated ...

Virgo Squared Pictures

... and the next day she's picked up by some rednecks who got turned down as stand-ins for The Walking Dead.

Virgo Squared Pictures

Virgo Squared Pictures

There's also a scene where some legitimately impressive effects and makeup are ruined by the fact that two characters who are supposed to be living in the '60s are driving a car with very modern window stickers.

If it seems like there's very little of import to say about this movie, it's not because it's that bad (it is), but because there's not enough of it yet. Their IndieGoGo campaign made only 2 percent of their 35,000 dollar target, which they seemed to have spent on the trailer, but you do have to admire their dedication to a story they love in the face of complete public indifference. And, if nothing else, it offers a preview into a future where modern blockbusters have fallen out of copyright and some random dude will be making Die Hard 8: What If Ellis Survived And Started Fighting Crime? starring an aged Hart Bochner.

A critic braver than us who managed to sit through the entire movie noted that, while Repo Man is light-hearted and optimistic, Repo Chick is a bitter, hateful mirror image, which we guess is what you'd expect from someone whose career imploded. There's also something that vaguely resembles commentary on the mortgage crisis!

Industrial Entertainment
The subtle commentary in this shot is almost Kubrickian. Almost.

The whole affair is kind of sad, like watching an aging boxer struggling to describe his biggest prize fight, if the boxer then also got threatened with a copyright infringement suit. Universal Studios slapped Cox with a cease-and-desist, while Cox argued that Repo Men, the Jude Law action movie you almost certainly hadn't heard of, was made solely to distract the public from Repo Chick, a movie you definitely hadn't heard of. But Cox was able to fight the power, get the cease-and-desist dropped, and make his movie in possibly the only case of the underdog beating the big suits that's somehow even more depressing than if his dream had just been crushed in court.

Mark is on Twitter and has a book that's secretly just an unofficial remake of Hamlet.

Also check out 5 Insane Sequels That Almost Changed Movie History and 5 Sequels That Ruined The Original Movie's Point.

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