So why have the heroes of the original Star Wars been banished to strange planets / luxury Californian estates? Both Luke and Lucas tried to follow up their successes with another project and screwed up royally. Lucas made three craptacular movies, while Luke started a new Jedi Order but ended up teaching a new Space Hitler how to murder people with laser swords. Hard to say which is worse.

Lucas. It's Lucas.

So following this logic, the First Order represents the prequels, which totally makes sense, as they both really, really suck. For one thing, they're called "THE FIRST ORDER" -- you know, as in I, II, Revenge Of The Sith? They're also the only ones who reference the prequels, bringing up the clone armies you were hoping to forget about ...

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And while a lot of the movie utilizes good old-fashioned practical effects, the big bad guy is a CGI blob who easily could have been from the prequels:

LucasFilm At least the stupid name "Snoke," for sure.

In this allegory, Rey is J.J. Abrams, the reluctant protagonist. It's been well-documented that Abrams at first turned down the opportunity to make the movie. He had to be convinced to do it by producer Kathleen Kennedy. Similarly, Rey doesn't want to accept her powers, but needs to be convinced by a wise older woman.

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LucasFilm These "before and after" CGI shots are insane.

Rey's partner in the movie is Finn, a Stormtrooper who renounces the First Order. Abrams' partner? Lawrence Kasdan, who originally joined Lucas in co-writing The Empire Strikes Back and Return Of The Jedi. Seeing a limit to his loyalty, Kasdan ran away from the prequel scripts, stating, "I thought [Lucas] should take responsibility and make exactly the movie he wanted to make, and that's exactly what he did," which is a very nice way of saying "You're not taking me down with you."

LucasFilm "But a reminder: I had nothing to do with them. OK?"

And even though the prequels murdered a ton of the good will Star Wars had built up (you know, like killing Han Solo did), the protagonist ultimately forgives Luke (Lucas) for crapping all over his own legacy.

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Mashable In early drafts, Rey wagged her finger at Luke over drinks at Sizzler.

The movie tells the story of Newt Scamander, a floppy-haired wizard coming to America for the first time. Newt shows up with an ordinary suitcase that secretly houses a vast world full of exotic magical creatures. This is symbolic of Rowling's imaginative book full of magical creatures -- which, of course, she used to carry around in a suitcase.

Warner Bros. Which may or may not have been magical.

Newt's journey to America is a symbolic retelling of how Rowling herself first came to the states to hawk her book series, which was bought by an American publisher for a surprisingly high amount, and this is reflected in the movie by the fact that the first thing Newt does in America is head to the bank.

Warner Bros.

Warner Bros. Looking inconspicuous and not at all like he's about to rob the place.

Newt then meets an American wizard, who teaches him that Americans insist on different, dumbed-down expressions he needs to conform to -- for instance, they refer to "Muggles" as "No-Majs" -- as in, "no magic."

Warner Bros. "What's a 'wand'? Oh, you mean your glowy pointy stick?"

Similarly, Rowling had to have her first book translated into American English, most notably having to change the title and eponymous plot device from "Philosopher's Stone" to "Sorcerer's Stone," because U.S. publishers thought Americans need to be reminded of the type of book they're reading five words into the cover.

Bloomsbury, Scholastic "I dun need no Plato to tell me whut magic's all about."

But his overseas counterparts aren't the real American obstacle. Soon after arriving in the U.S., Newt encounters a group of rabidly anti-magic Christian fundamentalists who want to put a stop to American witchcraft.

Warner Bros. Dressed here in their most intimidating Downton Abbey cosplay.

Which should sound familiar.

BBC

The Lewiston Maine Sun Journal

Chick Publications Reminder that this is a book about children, elves, and broomstick sports.

One of the Christian kids is so repressed and unhappy that he literally transforms into a rampaging murder cloud -- an event which people initially blame on Newt and his wacky animals. That's Rowling flat-out stating that any problems with the youth of evangelicals are due to their own institutional bigotry, and not her stories about wizard schools and uninsurable sports.

For those who didn't see Yoga Hosers (which here means "everyone who didn't happen to accidentally walk by when they were filming"), allow us to enlighten you. The movie follows two teenage Canadian girls, who represent the early part of Smith's career. This is easy to spot because they're convenience store clerks.

Invincible Pictures Notice how they're not even supposed to be here today.

Furthering the personal connection, one of the girls is played by Smith's own daughter, and the other is played by his daughter's real-life friend, who happens to be Johnny Depp's daughter. Depp himself also makes an appearance in the movie, possibly because merely chaperoning your daughter to a film shoot doesn't get you any sweet residual checks. He did happen to pick a part that required him to be almost unrecognizable -- because Depp cares about his daughter, but he cares about his reputation more.

Invincible Pictures And Depp is never one to shy away when a silly costume is involved.

The girls end up stumbling upon a cryogenically frozen Canadian Nazi who built a clone army made of bratwurst. Why did he become a Nazi? Well, he used to be an "artist," but was turned to evil by critics and their "negatively hurtful" comments.

Invincible Pictures

Invincible Pictures Art school failure is the third-leading cause of Nazis, behind familial indoctrination and small penises.

His plan is to kill all of his critics with his new creation, a giant stupid meat monster, which of course represents his awful buddy cop movie Cop Out, starring Bruce Willis.

Invincible Pictures See? Bald, just like Bruce.

OK, so that last one really makes it sound like we're making this shit up as we go along -- except that it was Smith himself who made that analysis. After Yoga Hosers came out, the director took to Twitter to fire back at the critics who criticized the movie, explaining how it was supposed to be his apology to them over how they hated his previous work so goddamned much. Which would be easier to swallow if not for the fact that one of the good guys in the movie says that critics are "not real people." Which either exposes Smith's hatred for critics or his plan to start a "Leonard Maltin is a robot" truther movement.

At least all of this is slightly more subtle than the ending of Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back, in which Smith uses his own character to beat the shit out of snarky internet commenters.

Both the Grinch and Geisel had trusty canine companions. And most tellingly, the Grinch lives on a remote mountain, looming over Whoville, while Geisel worked out of a tower in his mountain home like the world's most whimsical supervillain.

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Masterson Productions Most of his strange creations could probably be blamed on altitude sickness.

Geisel's distaste for the Holiday season went as far back as the '20s, when he wrote an op-ed on the commercialization of Christmas called "Santy Claus be Hanged," which was a controversial opinion to have at the time.

If all that wasn't enough, Geisel's license plate read "GRINCH," and he even later admitted that his inspiration for the character came from his own grimacing reflection in the bathroom mirror the day after Christmas. Of course, that's how most of us look when we're sitting in the bathroom after Christmas.

For instance, the donut joint Wayne and Garth hang out at is Stan Mikita's, named after the Chicago Blackhawks player. While that establishment is entirely fictional, anyone who's ever been to Canada knows that a donut chain named after the Toronto Maple Leafs' Tim Horton infests the country like rats in Hamelin.

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Stu pendousmat at English WikipediaWhich is why Horton's face can be found on the Canadian flag.

And as for The Gasworks, the club where the bouncer is Meatloaf and the headliner is the goddamn Relic Hunter? That was a real heavy metal bar in Toronto in the '80s.

Paramount Pictures

Gasworks There were two Tim Hortons located inside.

It's not just the little details, either. The plot of Wayne's World parallels Myers own origin story. In the movie, Wayne does a public access show. In reality, Myers used to do his Wayne character on local Canadian TV.

CBC Television Garth received a much-needed makeover for SNL.

In the movie, Wayne sells out to a corporate sleazebag and ends up losing control of his show. Myers essentially sold all his characters to SNL, and then had to struggle for a long time to get Wayne back on the air. Even then, he had to settle for debuting Wayne as the very last sketch of the night -- the latest possible time slot, exactly like the one given to Wayne in the movie. Eventually, things worked out for both Wayne and Myers. Of course, had Myers possessed Wayne's "mega happy ending" superpower, he would have only made The Love Guru when monkeys had flown out of his butt.

Burton's early career seems not unlike Jack Skellington's. As a student at CalArts, Burton was lauded for his weird-ass cartoons. He described his class as a "collection of outcasts," which sounds kind of like Halloweentown, but probably with more nude expressionist art.

Walt Disney No thank you.

In the movie, Jack goes through a Don-Draper-like midlife crisis and ends up eschewing his twisted ways in the wholesome pursuit of making Christmas. This mirrors Burton, who went from majoring in skin-crawling doodles to going to work for Disney, the copyright-holders on wholesomeness.

Walt Disney Contrary to popular belief, Burton himself was never made of clay.

Eventually, Burton worked his way up to directing his own Disney movie, Frankenweenie -- but his attempt to make a Disney family flick centered around a small boy reanimating his dead dog, made even creepier and less kid-friendly by the fact that it was shot in black and white.

Walt Disney And Shelley Duvall didn't help matters, either.

Jack Skellington's attempt to make children happy at Christmas similarly fails because his gifts are too goddamn horrifying.

Walt Disney

Walt Disney Yet somehow not as terrifying as Hatchimals.

Of course, Burton was fired from Disney for making a movie that was "too scary for children," and Frankenweenie was shelved. Likewise, Jack's Christmas is put to an end when the powers that be shoot down his sleigh and the big man himself (here, Santa Claus) tells him to fuck off.

Walt Disney

Walt DisneyWhich is silly. We know Disney uses trained assassins, not rockets.

Eventually, though, Santa makes peace with Jack -- which is pretty much what happened with Disney, who crazily enough made this movie with Burton, and eventually even produced an animated remake of Frankenweenie. That's like being fired for jerking off at work, then getting hired back as Vice President in Charge of Masturbatory Studies. It just shows that eventually, people will come around to your way of thinking.

Not about the masturbating-at-work thing, though. You really need to stop that.