6 Real Examples Of Sex Ed Gone Disastrously Awry
While most of us learn about human sexuality from the lyrics of Salt-N-Pepa, it turns out that there's such a thing as "sex education." However, not every educator is up to the task. That means sometimes things get cocked right up, and not in an informative way, resulting in grotesque displays of naked pelvis smashing that do nothing but teach children that sex is to be feared and avoided, like that tiny mysterious door in grandmother's basement.
Warning: Though this article does contain themes of a sexual nature, most of it will prove difficult to masturbate to. Godspeed and good luck.
Horrible Giant Puppets Teach Kids About Child Birth
With the exception of your own children and the Look Who's Talking movies, no one should have to watch an actual birth. Sure, it's the miracle of life at work, but the experience itself is like watching an uncooked turkey crash through a hotel canopy. But kids should and do want to know where babies come from, and an Australian art project wants them to regret it. An outdoor puppet show called Everybody's Born, Everybody Cries, Everybody Shits And Everybody Dies showcases a live birth as re-enacted by gigantic creepy puppets. Imagine if Jim Henson collaborated with Lars Von Trier in adapting What To Expect When You're Expecting and you start to get the terrifying picture.
What to expect? Night terrors. Lots of night terrors.
The birth is kickstarted by a brick to the head, which is likely some kind of bold artistic statement and hopefully not a routine Australian procedure. Once the labor is over, the kids can actually go up and interact with the giant baby, forming the type of faint memory that will eventually produce behavior that baffles their court-mandated therapist.
Provided they don't just run into traffic right then and there.
The baby then feeds off of the giant, seemingly sentient, breast -- which also hoses the audience with projectile breast milk like a GWAR concert.
The show culminates in a glorious display of ... uh, we actually have no idea what the hell is happening here.
Beetlejuice On Ice?
Maybe the show's point is that we should all toughen up, because as harrowing as it can be, at least the real birthing process doesn't devolve into a nightmarish phantasmagoria, ready to stick to your psyche like traumatizing bubble gum.
A Video Game That Teaches You About STDs By Having You Invade A Vagina With Machine Guns
Unless you're one of those perverts who thinks that the repetitive insertion of odd shapes into other odd shapes in Tetris is some kind of allegory for intercourse, there aren't really any decent video games that teach you about sex. Hell, they even kept Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man in separate games just so there wouldn't be any pixelated funny business. That all changed with Privates, the rough and tumble shooter that lets you frag genitals in the name of sexual education.
Privates (yes, that is a pun) is a side-scrolling shooter in which you control a genital-based military squad. It's like the movie Aliens, but instead of fighting xenomorphs on a distant planet, you're hunting semen and STDs through a forest of pubes into the dark recesses of the vagina.
"Why didn't they just ride the eagles to get there?"
You play as tiny condom-hatted Marines who, presumably in a bid to give Catholics a heart attack, spend a lot of the game machine-gunning sperm to death.
"Achievement Unlocked: BLASPHEMY"
Despite all of the hallmarks of being a senselessly violent video game, it actually does seem to be shoehorning in some educational content -- unlike Wolfenstein 3D, which taught us no useful life skills about fighting mecha Hitler. As you can scan each enemy, the game tells you how to defeat it. For example, when you read that gonorrhea is bacterial, you need to specifically select your anti-bacterial gun. The goal is to inform kids about the different STDs out there and how to combat them -- though pharmacists may be a bit alarmed when teenagers start barging in asking for the antibiotic grenade launcher.
In the game's finale, you have to travel inside the womb like a Green Beret and plant a morning-after pill, here represented as a giant bomb.
If you're 12-year-old Stanley Kubrick this all makes perfect sense.
Which then explodes out of the woman's vagina as you make a dramatic escape.
And while using birth control as a weapon of mass-destruction might twitch some monocle muscles, the game did win a Children's BAFTA for Secondary Learning. Despite its accolades, however, the game's XBox release was cancelled due to its content -- because educational violence should only be allowed when teaching teenagers how to murder prostitutes in Grand Theft Auto.
A Really Old Irish Woman Teaches Young Girls About Sex
Normally, the closest thing the Catholic Church might come to showing a sex education video would be playing The Passion Of The Christ on a loop until every kid feels too guilty to masturbate. But through the magical garbage heap of content that is YouTube, we can all bear witness to an actual Irish Catholic sex ed video from the 1980s. It's a bit like the video from The Ring, in that they both offer roughly the same level of insight into human sexuality.
Sex Education For Girls is a brief guide to the complicated mess that is female adolescent sexuality. This topic is introduced to us by our host, sweet Angela, whose gentle Irish brogue and flowery dresses will lull us into a false sense of security. And if there were any doubts about her medical qualifications, surely the assortment of terrifying dolls scattered around her office should put you at ease.
"Everything is based on love," she muses, "and the person who loves us most of all is God." But since it's not possible to crush ass with the divine, Angela invites us to pray to God to help us "understand it all."
Despite the doll's eyes over her shoulder showing you that there is no God.
Even if you're a believer, this has to be pretty goddamn awkward. It's bad enough talking about sex with your parents, let alone praying to Jesus to help you figure out how boning works. Of course, we learn that the first (and mandatory) step of sexual intercourse is having a wedding, as evidenced by this cartoon of Conan O'Brien marrying Cathy of the comic strip which bears her name.
"Til 'AACK!' do us part."
Now that the formalities are out of the way, it's time to get to the nether regions. Not unlike a Britney Spears concert, there are a surprising number of costume changes, but once Angela finds the appropriate floral blouse to talk about dicks, she teaches girls what a penis is. Sort of.
"This thingymabob is connected to the whosits that stores the baby stuff."
But besides talking in depth about foreplay (the wedding), you might think that this Irish Catholic video about female sexual education will never stop beating around the bush -- which, again, you should never do, ladies. Then, finally, as we reach the crescendo and Handel's Harpsichord Suite In D Minor starts swelling, Angela, sweet, devout Angela, finally shows us the physical act of love in all its glorious, divine beauty ...
... and unwittingly creates an entire generation of Irish lasses unsure of where exactly on the vagina the wristwatch is supposed to go.
1970s Medical Professors Illustrate An Anatomy Textbook With Pinup Models
We understand that studying to become a doctor is crazy difficult. There's almost endless classes, countless hours of studying and repeatedly breaking and mending your hands until your handwriting becomes illegible. That's why several esteemed academics tried to find a way to make learning about the body exciting. Real exciting.
You're about to witness the ultimate example of not judging a book by its cover.
Instead of pepping up lessons with a quick cadaver tic-tac-toe, back in the '70s, a team of Duke University professors decided their textbook The Anatomical Basis Of Medical Practice should be more like Playboy -- maybe because they thought that's what their students were secretly hiding inside of their textbooks anyway.
Assuming that med students were sick of looking at the uggos that normally populate their textbooks, these profs sexed their pages up with nude models in provocative poses in the hopes that students would get so good at finding the appendix they could do it with one hand.
That's one way to keep students glued to their textbooks.
Accompanying these purely academic images are a collection of weird asides in the text in which the authors defend their boner-inducing approach to education:
Perhaps we should have included photographs of garden-variety, American males and females who have let their physiques go to pot. Instead, we used female models as model females. The student will see the ordinary specimen every day. Only on rare occasions will the attractive, well-turned specimen appear before him for consultation. He should be prepared for this pleasant shock.
The authors did kindly include fit male bodies for the "growing ranks of female medics," though those all seemed to be cropped above the torso because these books were written by sexually repressed men, to whom one errant glimpse of a penis is a death sentence. Outrage quickly dogged the sultry publication, with newspapers reporting that the book was making a "mockery out of the whole medical profession" and the "feminist uproar can be heard in the nation's medical schools across the land." The textbook-cum-porno mag was hurriedly disappeared from bookshelves, though we'd like to think some of these resurfaced under the beds of several enterprising med students.
A Casually Racist '80s Cartoon Struggles To Explain Puberty And Sex
Kids will pay attention to anything that's animated, so it's only natural that sex ed cartoons would start popping up like unwanted boners. And the biggest boner of all must be 1987's alarmingly titled What's Happening To Me?
While it hits a lot of informative notes, What's Happening To Me? falls victim to its own hubris. It tries to combine a Saturday Morning Cartoon vibe with a very frank discussion about hormones, sexuality, and peer pressure -- and doesn't quite manage to juggle those two balls. The show starts off attempting to demonstrate how kids grow at different rates once they hit puberty, but only succeeds in showing that black kids get super tall in order to complete their genetic disposition to playing basketball:
Puberty itself is represented as a giant, psychedelic pinball machine seeming powered by nightmares and adolescent anxiety.
If you're 12-year -old Stanley Kubrick this all also makes perfect sense.
Not that there's anything scary about adolescence! It's just a fun and exciting ride where we discover our own growth. Our penises will get bigger, pubic hair will sprout out, and our voices will break, a process beautifully illustrated by this incredibly racist stereotype of an Asian child:
"Now, the Chinaboy has grown into a Chinaman."
At first, this video is like getting the birds and the bees talk from your racist 1970s uncle. However, halfway through its runtime, What's Happening To Me? regains its composure long enough to focus on what's really important: warning everyone how creepy teenage boys can get.
But adolescence isn't all about leering at teenage cheerleaders in tight sweaters. The sudden influx of hormones can be a curse as much as a blessing, so kudos to the show for teaching young boys that people laughing at your dick is one of life's inevitable trials.
You better believe there's a *booooing* song effect.
Things start to get a bit more scientific when we're introduced to the concept of semen, which are here represented by a bunch of cartoon heads who rush to and pile up at the tip of the scrotum like there's a Black Friday sale happening in a nearby vagina.
Turning it to White Friday.
But before things get too informative, the movie shifts back to wackiness by portraying the act of sex as a tuxedo-clad sperm doing the tango with an egg. At the climax of the dance, they explode into a torrent of white goo which transforms into a baby -- except for the sperm's top hat, which according to science, floats around in the uterus in case the woman gives birth during a fancy dress party.
Don't look at us, baby. We're just as confused as you are.
At least this video settles the ethical debate of when life begins -- not at conception, but the moment when googly eyes start to form.
Witness the miracle.
A Children's Book Teaches Sex And Child Birth With Bizarrely Graphic Illustrations
Rather than just leave kids to puzzle together an idea of sex from sitcom double entendres, a lot of parents actually seek to inform their children by using a vast selection of educational books on the subject. However, not all sex ed books are helpful, and some should be fired into space. Such as 1975's How A Baby Is Made, written by Danish psychotherapist Per Holm Knudsen and illustrated by an alien who'd only heard about humanity second-hand. The book's actual content gets a lot of the details right, but pairs them with some bizarrely childlike artwork, which doesn't do much to make sex seem like it isn't a shameful deed that nobody should discuss. We meet the soon-to-be mother and her partner, who look like the exact same person wearing different Lego helmets.
You could cut the sexual tension with a knife.
Either out of sexual attraction, or because the illustrator had x-ray vision and was never taught the complexities of Earth customs, the two get naked on the very next page.
Or their clothes ran away from shame.
And despite the fact that the characters look like the product of a kindergarten art class, they straight-up do it. And you see everything -- tongue kissing, hardcore penetration, and even the man's dangerously low sperm count from wearing all those tight '70s jeans ...
Nine months later, they head to the world's smallest hospital in their free love-mobile ...
Unwilling to pull any punches, the book actually shows its prepubescent readers the baby's head crowning. You could commend the publishers for their bravery were it not for the fact that the baby looks like an onion doing a Porky Pig pose.
"This is how a life begins ... and our world ends."
This might be the only baby book that makes kids feel self-conscious about how lackluster their own birth was, because who among us can say they dazzled the room with jazz hands in their first moments of life?
Think Nana and Pop-Pop's loving 60-year monogamous relationship is quaint and old-fashioned? First off, sorry for that disturbing image, but we've got some news for you: the monogamous sexual relationship is actually brand new relative to how long humans have been around. Secondly, it's about to get worse from here: monkey sex. On this month's live podcast, Jack O'Brien and the Cracked staff welcome Dr. Christopher Ryan, podcaster and author of 'Sex at Dawn', onto the show for a lively Valentine's Day discussion about love, sex, why our genitals are where they are, and why we're more like chimps and bonobos than you think. Tickets go on sale soon!
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