For those of you who aren't old enough to remember a pre-smartphone world, carrying tiny computers in our pockets and on our wrists has saved humanity from the burden of walking around with physical maps, phone books, and human secretaries. Which is terrible news for unemployed, tiny secretaries, but great news for everyone who struggles with reading maps or learning phone numbers.
The problem is that once we realized our phones were great for smartening up, we assumed everything else would work better with computers in them. We were wrong.
A Robot Solely For Cleaning Your Grill
Don't you hate busting out the grill to cook some delicious Fourth of July steak, only to have to clean off the grill when you're done? What's that? You don't hate cleaning your grill, because running a metal brush over it for 30 seconds is really easy? Well then say hello and then immediately say goodbye to the Grillbot Automatic Grill Cleaner.
A Roomba doomed to walk on hot coals its whole miserable life like a tragic Greek myth.
Instead of shelling out $6 for a manual scraper and spending less than a minute cleaning your grill, you could drop up to $100 on this robot, charge it for four hours, and then let it go to town on your grill for 10 to 30 minutes or until the grate has been completely reduced to barbed wire.
But still, you never have to clean your grill again! You just have to clean the robot instead by disassembling it and putting the brushes in the dishwasher! Or, more likely, you forget about the robot and leave it to its business, dooming it to a fiery death the next time you go to preheat the grill. On the bright side, at least you were dumb enough to drop a hundred dollars on a device that makes an easy task longer and more difficult. You'll always have that.
A Blanket With Built-In Speakers
Summer is that one time of year where you can head out to your local park, roll out a blanket, lie down, and appreciate the beauty of the great outdoors, at least until you remember that video games are way better. There's only one thing that could possibly improve this 30-minute period: blasting some sick beats directly on either side of your head.
Annoy all mother nature: Now just $200!