Keeping up with the news is like going to the mall on December 20. It's frantic, you can never find what you're looking for, and there's always someone screaming. No reasonable person can be expected to keep up with every headline while maintaining their sanity, so we have taken it upon ourselves to quickly summarize the most important and/or ridiculous news stories from the last week (or so).
It's hard out there for millionaire purveyors of garbage pizza.
Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.