6 Disturbing Questions About Sex In The Disney Universe
Unless you're part of the fan art community, chances are you don't really think about the implications of Disney characters having sex. Sure, Max from Goof Troop is definite proof that Goofy once stumbled through a series of slapstick events that ended with his erect penis being thrust into a vagina, but way more disturbing is the thought that Ariel has no idea what human sex is, or that Tarzan is almost definitely banging some gorillas.
Pinocchio Is Going To Think Erections Are Signs of Dishonesty
When Pinocchio gets transformed into a "real boy," he's still essentially his old self, only now made out of flesh and bone, like a tiny Westworld robot whose prior roles included "slave" and "donkey." And of course, when he was a puppet, Pinocchio's nose grew whenever he told a lie, clearly meant to shame him into always being honest. At this point in the story, every member of the audience presumably asks themselves the same question:
"What will happen when he gets an erection for the first time?"
When the most well-adjusted person in your family is the cat, it's time to rethink things.
This phenomenon is confusing enough for boys who've grown up with that anatomy their whole lives. But if you have Pinocchio's understanding of the universe, there's only one conclusion to draw: His lengthening penis is revealing a lie on his part ("But it happens even when I don't speak ... maybe just thinking a lie is enough?"), or some other equally dishonorable behavior his own body is trying to shame him out of.
So, imagine what he will feel when he sees that special girl (or guy -- Pinocchio's sexuality is never explored) for the first time and gets hard. He'll automatically assume he's gone wrong somehow -- are the mere urges a sin, even if not acted upon? Whatever it is, he dare not tell anyone! Society would surely shun him forever.
Which is pretty much how real puberty works, come to think about it ...
After months or years of this, he'll become repressed and bitter, growing to hate his fleshy body that sometimes throws out the sin indicator for no good reason. He'll wake up some mornings and wonder what shameful thing he must have done or thought in his sleep. Lifelong bitterness and self-loathing seem like the best case scenario, with the alternatives being self-castration or a career as a serial killer.
The Beast Probably Didn't Go Through Puberty
In Disney's Beauty and the Beast, a beautiful enchantress disguises herself as an ugly crone and seeks shelter in the castle of a young, spoiled prince. After being told to fuck off, the enchantress curses the prince to look like a hideous beast until the day someone loves him despite his monstrous appearance. So, it's a story about how we shouldn't judge people on their looks, while also making it clear that it's generally better to be good-looking. This is something that most of us already knew.
Also, ugly people are deceitful.
To make things more complicated, the Beast has to make someone fall in love with him before his 21st birthday, which is right about when we're introduced to Belle ... 10 years after the curse was cast, according to the movie. This means that the prince became the Beast when he was barely 11 years old (confirmed in the direct-to-video film Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas, where the pre-transformation prince is clearly portrayed as a tween). This has huge implications for the Beast and Belle's future sex life, and none of them are good.
For instance, the child prince was turned into an adult Beast, and then when the curse was broken, he transformed into a grown man. With the information we're given, this means he completely skipped puberty -- or at least the human version of it. The Beast never got to slowly adjust to his changing body and budding sexuality, and he probably knows nothing about sex unless he had it explained to him by a talking crockpot or something. Christ, he probably thinks he got Belle pregnant after they held hands for the first time.
"And you probably transferred Gaston's DNA to me after you guys fought, which is why our son has a giant cleft chin!"
The other possibility is that the prince went through these massive biological changes while in his monstrous form, which means he matured with a completely different physiological structure (a structure that included grotesquely clawed hands that would make the inevitable years of pubescent masturbation a kaleidoscope of horrors). So either he went through giant man-dog puberty or he didn't go through it at all, and neither possibility adds up to a romantic wedding night for Belle.
"How the hell do you know how to walk?"
Snow White Never Had A Healthy Relationship With A Man (And Never Will)
Snow White is the quintessential Disney princess: She's kind, she's beautiful, and she totally had her life ruined before even hitting puberty. After her father selfishly dies on her, she's left in the care of her insane stepmother, a vain sorceress who eventually decides to kill Snow White for being too beautiful. She orders the loyal Huntsman to take Snow White into the woods and cut out her heart.
The Huntsman was played by Danny McBride.
However, at the last minute, the Huntsman (with his knife in hand) decides that he can't murder an innocent teenage girl and lets Snow White go. Later, she finds the house of the seven dwarves, who let the orphaned almost murder victim stay with them in exchange for being their house servant.
In summation, so far every man in Snow White's life has "abandoned" her or tried to murder her, or would only help her if she became their servant. This girl now undoubtedly has an extremely skewed view of men everywhere (or, in that universe, an accurate view), not to mention nonexistent self-esteem. That's the precise reason why she falls in love with the anonymous prince at the end of the movie.
"She's not resisting! Under our law, that counts as consent!"
When you think about it, it makes total sense that Snow White didn't visibly freak out about a total stranger kissing her while she was comatose. She's learned firsthand how violent men can be, she doesn't want to get stabbed. Also, clearly she has something the prince wants, and the only male kindness she's ever experienced was from a group of miners who let her stay in their house because she could cook and clean for them.
Finally, she's probably afraid of the prince leaving if she voices any objection, because she lost her father (the only other kind man in her life). So she latches onto the first seemingly non-horrible man she meets, because she thinks that's what love is. Snow White is doomed to an unhappy marriage (is there any hint they're compatible at all?) wherein she'll never be able to refuse her husband (who, remember, essentially sexually assaulted her) because she's afraid he will leave. She's less a Disney princess and more a character from a Martin Scorsese film.
Tarzan Will Probably Fuck A Few Gorillas
Disney's Tarzan is a story about finding your place in the world when you don't seem to fit in anywhere. Tarzan is human, but he has been raised by a loving gorilla mother named Kala since he was an infant. However, Kala's mate, Kerchak, has never accepted Tarzan as one of their own, causing the human to always try to prove his worth to his adoptive father.
"No, you can't quit school to be in a band!"
So even when Jane arrives and tries to bring Tarzan to the human world, he's hesitant, because deep down he feels like a gorilla. That's why there's a real chance he might fuck a few of them. Assuming he hasn't already, in which case he might fuck a whole bunch of them.
Including this one.
You see, silverback gorilla packs always have alphas who are known for mating with all the females in the group. Kerchak, who is clearly a silverback, used to be the group's alpha, but by the end of the movie he has passed that title to Tarzan.
Consider the fact that Tarzan was made leader by the dying Kerchak after years of trying to win him over. He will probably feel a massive sense of obligation to honor his wish and be the best alpha there ever was (wouldn't you?). Well, being a gorilla alpha means introducing your baby hammer to every female in the group. So when Jane decides to stay in the jungle with Tarzan, it's entirely possible she's putting up with a carousel of gorilla poundage set to a soundtrack by Phil Collins.
"Why is Christian Bale here?"
Ariel Likely Has No Concept Of Human Sex
Imagine meeting an attractive stranger that wants to have sex with you. However, their version of "sex" means driving to separate Waffle Houses and eating so many hash browns that you throw up in a mop bucket. You might find yourself wondering, in utter confusion, what the hell any of this has to do with sex.
This is exactly how Ariel from The Little Mermaid is going to feel on her wedding night.
Worse yet, she won't have any hash browns to comfort her.
Being 16 and all, Ariel probably has some idea about sex. Fish sex, to be precise. And the thing about fish sex is that it doesn't take two to tango. In most cases, the female fish simply releases her eggs and goes off to conduct the rest of her fish business for the day, while the male comes over and ejaculates over the eggs to fertilize them.
That means the first time Prince Eric proposes sex, Ariel will understandably squat on the bed and attempt to release a bountiful clutch of eggs for her husband to garnish with his royal seed at his leisure. Hopefully before she poops herself or bursts a blood vessel from the strain, Eric will explain the human version of the birds and the bees to her -- a process that to her will seem indescribably alien and, let's say, invasive.
"And you're sure that this ... 'butt stuff' ... is necessary to have a baby?"
Remember, Ariel has never even seen a human penis (unless she brought a drowned, naked sailor to Scuttle to add to her collection) and will most likely look at it like she does at legs: a novelty of dry land. It will be a long time before she's able to look at human genitalia in a sexual context (if she's ever able to at all -- could you force yourself to get turned on by fish genitals?) and thus won't have that much interest in sex ... even if she can overcome her initial abject terror.
The Animated Kingdom From Enchanted Is About To Get Weird
Imagine a single person showed up in society and reinvented sex. Not just adding a couple of toys and positions, but revealing that what we know of sex is only about 5 percent of the possible experience. That person would be worshiped, killed, or both.
That brings us to Enchanted, a story about an animated Disney princess named Giselle from "Andalasia" being transported to modern-day, live-action New York.
Which apparently shrinks your eyes by like 50 percent.
She is from a universe as it would be imagined by a child (or a child-friendly corporation) -- one in which soft kisses are as wild as romance gets. Couples get married and then children appear -- if they have sex at all (versus some cartoon stork bullshit), it's certainly not a big deal, considering no one mentions it. It's all about smitten gentlemen and dates on horseback, not animal lust.
Alternatively, you can watch this much more realistic depiction.
So, as tends to happen in fish-out-of-water stories, shenanigans ensue. At the end of the film, Giselle falls in love with real-person Robert and stays in live-action New York, while Robert's former flesh-and-blood fiancee, Nancy, falls in love with the formerly animated Prince Edward and goes back to the magical land of Andalasia. The credits roll, everyone is happy, and Andalasia is about to be thrown into utter social turmoil.
You see, Nancy is a modern American woman now living in an innocent fantasyland that's ruled by the laws of Disney movies, where locking eyes with someone is foreplay and kissing is the Andalasian version of an orgasm. Just by virtue of being a normal human being, Nancy is going to destroy all that the first time she and Prince Edward have anything other than missionary sex for anything other than the purpose of having children. We're going to go out on a limb and say that blowjobs do not exist in Disney fairy tale kingdoms. Well, they do now! Along with a whole lot more.
One thing that will not exist: birth control.
Word is going to get out. This is not the kind of thing a man keeps secret. Hell, even if he tried, at any given time they're surrounded by a herd of intelligent squirrels, deer, and birds. The first time she and Prince Edward get the tiniest bit adventurous in the bedroom, some talking, masturbating rabbit is going to see it through an open window and lose its goddamned mind. If they don't explode in a cloud of glitter and pixie dust, they're going to run and tell everyone they can about the confusingly erotic wrestling match they just witnessed.
Pretty soon everyone in the kingdom is going to be crushing ass the same way modern, sexually liberated people do, and Andalasia will be expunged from the realm of Disney. Either that, or Prince Edward will be so terrified and confused by their first night together that he'll have Nancy burned at the stake as a witch (a practice that we already know exists in the Disney universe).
Which is the premise of our new children's book, If You Give a Prince a Hummer, out in stores this spring!
For more observations that'll ruin your childhood, check out Disney Movies That Ignore Their Hero's Horrific Crimes and 9 Disney Fan Drawings That Will Murder Your Joy.
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