6 Famous Theme Songs With Secret (Horrifying) Lyrics

The James Bond theme song fits perfectly into the myth of 007. The score bursts through the door uninvited, rattling off its bass like a machine gun before ramping up into an explosion of horns. Damn, it makes us want to karate chop a henchman just thinking about it. Which makes it even more surprising that the tune was never written to be a Bond song at all, but started life as a ditty about a man whose sneezes destroy lives.

The theme music originated as a song titled "Bad Sign, Good Sign," taken from the musical based on the novel A House For Mr. Biswas. Back then, the now-iconic piece came with lyrics, which tell the story of a man, a cursed man, who ... sneezes a lot and his dad fell in a lake because of it? Hardly spy material, whoever he is. Not that there's a lot of proof in the song, but the court of public opinion does find the defendant guilty as hell.

So how does a song about a man's lethally runny nose end up as the sound that 007 probably plays in his head when he's banging whichever sexy spy is trying to kill him that week? A few years after the musical, its composer, Monty Norman, was hired to score Dr. No. Still in love with the melody, he offered up his silly song about a cursed man who can't catch a break to open the movie. Bond veteran and genius musician John Barry agreed, but then added the helpful note to make it orchestral, probably thinking it would be distracting if Bond was chasing a bad guy over Tunisian rooftops while some guy was singing about his dead dad.

Related: The Real Problem With The James Bond Franchise

On the surface, "At Least It Was Here" by The 88 seems like a song about second chances and hope. It also offers a stern warning about standing still and not realizing your full potential. With lines like "We could be old and cold and dead on the scene," the message is clear that, like sharks and indie pop songwriters, people should keep moving forward. Or kill themselves. It does talk a lot about ropes.

From this bummer of an angle, it fits even better in the crazy world of Community -- which, despite being about goofy Beetlejuice references and how awesome Donald Glover is, features a bunch of characters who're afraid that they're not good enough to exist in the real world. That kind of depressive defiance really gels with lines like "I'm tired of the wait and sees" and "I'm tired of that part of me." The dread of moving on and leaving the past behind is a major theme in creator Dan Harmon's work. After all, this is the guy who has also penned a show about a Marty McFly knockoff who literally lets himself die to have a better life and a movie about an old man who's trapped in a house possessed by his dead wife.

Related: 40 Facts About 70s Songs

The lonely lady continues her sad story, lamenting the realization that her lover captain's trek will never end, carrying him from one fantastical location to another. All she asks is that he thinks of her once in awhile, pinefully singing, "While he wanders his starry sea, Remember, remember me".

Related: The Secret Recipe For Making A 'Star Trek' Movie Work

A simple game of falling blocks and rising frustrations, Tetris might be the last place you'd expect to find a cautionary tale about sex and commerce, but that's absolutely what this song is about.

"Korobushka," also known as "Korobeiniki" or "The Peddlers," is a folk song based on a 19th-Century Russian poem. Over the course of the song, we are introduced to two Russian merchants. One's looking to peddle his wares, while the other's looking to stock her stall, if you catch our drift. The two take turns haggling and snuggling, until both parties are satisfied with their transactions.

The song version of this story ends with the man promising to marry the woman, then running back to his village to brag about his good fortune.

But the fun doesn't stop there. The poem the song was based on continues with the couple stumbling across a thief who robs and kills them both, because that's how all Russian love stories used to end. Unfortunately, just like the game, when you reach the end, the song can do nothing but loop back into an endless circle of promise, frustration and disappointment. Unlike the game, this can't be helped by finally getting that long I-shaped block.

Related: 9 Best Video Game Pump Up Songs

Even people who've never managed to sit through an entire episode of Full House can probably at least hum the theme song. Full House was truly a show for everyone, from people who loved its milquetoast jokes, to fans of resolving every problem with chronic hugging, to everyone else who simply sat through the title sequence on a weekly basis to catch a glimpse of the glory that is John Stamos's hair.

All right, everybody sing along now:

And we're gonna stop right there, because those aren't the song's lyrics. They're lines rewritten for the television edit of the song. The full version, written by Jesse Frederik, does contain those first two familiar lines, but then veers immediately into a dark depression.

It's easy to see why the producers of the most carefree TV show about a young widower ever made would want to leave out the part of the song where the protagonist starts pondering the value of their existence and wondering how in the hell their life has gotten to where it is. It continues:

This person's definitely feeling some resentment over never having achieved their goals. And because this song was specifically written for Full House, we have to wonder who the subject was meant to be. Could it be Uncle Jesse himself dreaming of the spotlight? Not likely. Jesse has jammed with the Beach Boys, so Katsopolis is living the dream. Could it have been Danny Tanner lamenting the death of his wife and the fact that his children are awful? Closer, but he was always so levelheaded and heartwarming. It's hard to imagine whispery voices rattling around ol' Papa Tanner's head. But then who fits this description -- that of a sad, aging man, probably living in the basement, performing the same bit over and over, becoming continually more bitter as the realization that his career is a big joke slowly sinks in, along with how his only legacy will be some dumb animal who has taken over his voice?

Related: 5 Crazy Trump White House Stories No One's Talking About

Being financially destitute: the cornerstone of every barfly's story. That warrants the occasional drink.

OK, so you're living with Damien from the Omen in total darkness. Maybe order a double.

Unlucky in love means lucky in liver damage. Still, you got that family in the end, so let's raise a glass to number four.

Wow. OK. That's a lot to unpack, especially in the '80s. These are clearly problems dumb Woody Harrelson can't solve. Maybe spend that booze money on some marriage counselling?

We're not sure what's worse: finding out your psychiatrist left you at your most vulnerable to go gallivanting about in Denmark, or that you've been telling your most intimate secrets to an asshole who would just abandon you without even giving you a referral.

The song thankfully ends there. For all its doom and gloom, these forgotten lyrics answer one of the most important questions ever asked in a TV theme song: "Wouldn't you like to get away?" Yes, the financially destitute mother of a sociopath who got left at the altar thrice and whose "fourth time's the charm" husband was outed as transgender after her support system fled to another continent would absolutely like to get away. Now how's about you stop singing and start pouring the lady 17 fingers of absinthe into a highball glass?

Carolyn never tweets disturbing song lyrics on Twitter.

Also check out 7 TV Shows That Were Way Darker Than You Ever Realized and 6 TV Shows That Completely Lost Their Shit.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out 10 Easter Eggs You Never Noticed In Your Favorite Shows, and other videos you won't see on the site!

Also, follow us on Facebook, and we'll fight your childhood bully for you.